Moving On

[Lexicus]

I guess I'm sort of in the minority here in that I still have relationships that I formed as a young child with people outside my family. I'm quite close with my immediate family, two younger siblings and mom and dad plus cats, pretty close with my extended family (as in we don't really talk or see each other regularly but pretty much always down to talk or see them if we're in the same state or whatever). I still have friends that I made in kindergarten (age 5) and before. I only keep in touch with a few of those people, but I can go to, say, a New Years party in my hometown and see the people from high school that I haven't seen in years and we'll get along fine.

Most of the friends I know in college I don't see and probably will never see again, since our paths never really cross. I have about 4 friends that I made in college that I still would say I'm close with. Two of those are "best friend" tier and I see them whenever I can, and we all go on vacation somewhere once a year.

Most of the people that are no longer in my life, I just grew apart from. There was no decision on either end (not on my end, anyway, I guess I dunno about their end) to cut anyone off. One exception was a kid I grew up with on swim team, so we were very close friends until the first year of college. He had a lot of problems, a family history of mental illness, and I think he probably qualified as a sociopath. Anyway, I was one of the only people he had a lasting relationship with, we were friends from roughly age 10 to age 18-19, until my first year of college he went to Russia for a few months and came back an almost totally different person. In retrospect his personality was pretty unstable all the time so it was probably just the three-month gap that made things between us very different. Being one of his best friends was weird, he was somewhat abusive, he would emotionally manipulate and gaslight people including me. On the whole I think it strengthened my social skills because you always had to be "on your toes" in interactions with him, plus he was really dynamic and introduced me to lots of new situations and new people.

One problem I've been having lately is that one person in my friend group keeps cutting other people in my friend group out of his life, which makes it more and more difficult to maintain a proper "friend group" instead of having a bunch of individual friends

 

[TheMeInTeam]

I've only cut two people off ever.

• One thought we were surely going to get married a few weeks into the relationship, while we were both < 20 years old. I didn't see it that way. When this issue persisted even after we broke up I didn't have much choice (I am blessed with enough pattern recognition to have only experienced this once).
• The other was a more complicated end to a friendship, not hostile but what I judged to be best based on surrounding situation. I still have some doubt about my conduct leading up to doing this, and doing it, but it's much too long ago to worry about it too much. I think I'd be different from the start if I did this part again though.

I do have a few sustained friendships > 10 years, very few, no family breaks aside from that people far away with not many common interests usually only get stories from my parents/vice versa. Everything else is more of a simple "ran out of regular reasons/interests to contact each other" type outcome.

Interestingly, I've never been cut off. Observing my actions in different environments, I tend to get along pretty well with most people but rarely get close to anybody. That seems to be the default outcome of acting on my preferences. I was a strong team member on strong teams in grad school (routinely top grades), but only occasionally went to social events, often helped people randomly in group study area when I got bored, and would occasionally take up slack from other members (rarely needed, these were strong teams). My career interactions are similar, as was my conduct even back in high school.

I prefer to do things on my own terms whenever I'm not working/doing necessities, and will avoid hassle if I can help it. I suppose that isn't conducive to forming a bond strong enough for other people to consider it useful or meaningful to cut off, nor would it take any effort to avoid me if not wanting to interact.

 

[Kyriakos]

I don't meet anyone who i knew from school (or uni, but that is hardly surprising, since uni was in another country ).
Don't see the point either; i don't know them and we have next to nothing in common.
Moreover, i dislike most of them, so it wouldn't work in the first place.

 

[timtofly]

What are these friends everyone is talking about. My parents did a pretty good job of doing all the cutting (we moved a lot). I have tried to reconnect with people in my past, but I guess I am the one everyone cuts out of their life.

 

[hobbsyoyo]

What are these friends everyone is talking about. My parents did a pretty good job of doing all the cutting (we moved a lot). I have tried to reconnect with people in my past, but I guess I am the one everyone cuts out of their life.

I was an army brat so I know that feel. There were a few friends I tried to hold onto cross-country but the reconnections did not go well when we eventually met up. I actually had one good friend move in with me during high school after he dropped out. He came across the country and I hooked him up with a place stay, a job and even a graphics card for his computer. He quickly quit the job I got for him and then ghosted me. He moved back across the country and when I tried to contact him he just cut me off. That also sucked for me as I considered him my best friend.

I actually completely forgot about him until he sent me a friend request on Facebook a few days ago. But hey he did me a favor and reminded me that I need to get around to delete my facebook. request denied

 

[Mechanicalsalvation]

Interesting topic but I suppose most of us have time to vaste on this site for a reason.
I have never been much of a "social animal", my "social skills" are quite abysmal and I am both puzzled by it and enjoy it bit too. I did cut out people out of my life on many instances. Its almost like drinking water to me. Its bizzare but it also involves detachment which is capacity/quality I am very fond of. I suppose I was cut out too but barely noticed it since with me it is like the saying goes when the boss says: "You are fired!" - "You cant fire me!" - "How so?" - "Becouse I quit!"

 

[hobbsyoyo]

Interesting topic but I suppose most of us have time to vaste on this site for a reason.

I really don't think site usage reflects on poster's social skills. There are plenty of people who waste an inordinate amount of time on Facebook or The Verge or whatever and that doesn't necessarily mean they are anti-social. This is just another form of entertainment, not a lifestyle choice.

 

[Mechanicalsalvation]

I really don't think site usage reflects on poster's social skills. There are plenty of people who waste an inordinate amount of time on Facebook or The Verge or whatever and that doesn't necessarily mean they are anti-social. This is just another form of entertainment, not a lifestyle choice.

Certainly there are number of reasons one prefers communication over social media but I would argue the percentage of anti-social people on sites like this are significantly higher.

EDIT: do you consider cutting out people out of your life predominantly an anti-social behaviour? Becouse thats what I think it is.

 

[Broken_Erika]

I'm not anti-social, i just don't like people, or socializing. Humans Suck!

 

[hobbsyoyo]

Certainly there are number of reasons one prefers communication over social media but I would argue the percentage of anti-social people on sites like this are significantly higher.

EDIT: do you consider cutting out people out of your life predominantly an anti-social behaviour? Becouse thats what I think it is.

Absolutely not. Why would it be considered anti-social? You should not always keep everyone in your life, to suggest otherwise is absurd.

And a thread on a specific topic hardly proves some trend.

 

[Broken_Erika]

There is a major difference between anti-social and avoidance-social....

 

[Kyriakos]

Avoidant-personality is one thing, but there is also schizoid (my own glorious personality type, aka personality of geniuses and important artists and modest people) which effectively means that the person has far more going in their imagination than anything they could do outside of it. That said, one simply has to work so as to keep living (unless you have an unending supply of money), and moreover one is also human, thus some social relations are needed to some degree.
But i always live between two worlds. I suppose (going also by what others i met say) virtually all people are aware of a split to some degree, but certainly the vast majority of people cannot and/or do not want to live in their imagination that much.
Moreover, some people actually are afraid of their own imagination, so virtually remain on the surface/extroverted to an unhealthy degree.

 

[Mechanicalsalvation]

I'm not anti-social, i just don't like people, or socializing. Humans Suck!

Absolutely not.

And a thread on a specific topic hardly proves some trend.

There is a major difference between anti-social and avoidance-social....

Lol. Thx for kinda proving my point...

 

[Narz]

I cut every single person out of my life in my late teens when I was at my lowest point in life, except one. He was an abusive, violent, dishonest *******, but I had known him for so long I stayed in touch. And he was the only person I knew at the time, so I felt like I had to. Finally, years later, a new and very close friend of mine told me I needed to cut him out. So I did. Just stopped answering texts, calls, emails, Facebook pokes, messages, everything and anything. One of the best decisions I ever made. His existence was hurting my quality of life. He still texts me on my birthday and it's sad but it is what it is. I never told him why I did what I did, which maybe I owed, but I couldn't bring myself to, and with all the physical and mental pain he had caused me over a really, really long time I felt like didn't need a justification or explanation outside of that.

The worst part wasn't him it was just that I had essentially nobody for a long time. I avoided all humans, self-destructed every network I had, spoke to nobody, hid in my room, and did all kinds of stupid stuff to my body. It's been very hard to rebuild over the last few years any social life when I had literally none. Just in January alone, I had 3 friends leave the area, essentially lost a partner (it's weird but yeah), and even an uncle jumped ship to Texas, and it shotgunned everything. One of the 3 friends went to Denver, deleted all her social media, and never responded to my last text. Two went to Seattle. I had someone break up with me once over Snapchat and unfriend me on Facebook and stop talking to me because they fell in love with someone else and I guess that was that.

On November 8th 2016 I lost a friend. He bragged about the results and dropped the n word and I told him he was an idiot and to f off and that was that. I wonder what he's up to often.

Most of my closest friends are ones I have met online, through blogging, art, video games, whatever. And a lot of people still hold that against me. And yeah, I can't teleport my frined in Miami to go see a movie with me in Michigan. Making real ones in a small town is hard. Things like Meetup.com and stuff are pretty sparse here. It requires lots of driving to get somewhere with more events, which is one reason I really, really want to move. And with a small social network it'd be a lot easier I guess to move than it might be for some. I've got a few friends in town at this point I'd consider fairly close, who I've hung out with fairly regularly, but it's a small circle and one of them is moving in September far away, and after January I'm already grasping for people as it is, trying to throw myself at social events and see if something sticks, but these things are often transient and temporary and the people in them come and go. I'm lucky there was a meetup at a bar near here a few weeks ago and I got one good relationship from it who I've seen multiple times, and the other people there were all pretty cool but nothing else has been scheduled or happened with the group since.

Basically nobody I was friends with at any point in my life through college exists in my life in any capacity any more. Most of them have moved. Three of my four last closest friends from late high school are hundreds or even thousands of miles away. I occasionally like their pictures on Facebook and once in a blue moon they ask me how life is.

Without the context of forced classrooms, and with a job where all my coworkers have 3, 4, 5 decades on me, it's been tough. I miss a lot of it. I've worked hard and gotten a lot better but in a setting without a ton of resources it can be hard. I'm going to a writing group that meets every Wednesday at a coffee shop in town. I was going to go last Wednesday, but it got canceled when the 5 regulars all couldn't make it. That's how these things often work.

Rough. I wish you the best. Where do you live now? Are you working?

I'm considering cutting out a borderline ex right now after she sent suicide threats at me. She was my best friend, even after we broke up, but after nine years of drama I don't think I can handle her anymore. I met up with her friends to formulate a plan of action, but beyond telling her sisters that she's legit crazy and can't wave it off as a personality quirk anymore, I don't think I'll be in touch with her much more.

I'd highly recommend to let her go. I made a baby with a BPD individual (after she lied about contraception) and was with her on and off for 10 years. It's not worth it and the damage you'll do to yourself and also your trust for future relationships is severe.

 

[Kozmos]

I'd highly recommend to let her go. I made a baby with a BPD individual (after she lied about contraception) and was with her on and off for 10 years. It's not worth it and the damage you'll do to yourself and also your trust for future relationships is severe.

I think I know what you mean. She was/is a very abusive person to all the people who were always there for her. I always doubted that because that's what I do, until the recent get together with some of her other friends and it was like a support group for all the people who were associated with her, just stories upon stories of abhorrent behaviour. It was kind of a relief. Like finding out you're not imagining things after all, she really is like that to all the people all the time. I'm doing my best to disentangle myself from her and all her affairs.

 

[innonimatu]

I've had people move on and lose touch, but that was in the pre-Internet days. Those who moved away more recently I have kept in touch with, even if not often. I guess I only invest in getting to know people who seem to be stable and available. Makes new friendships harder, but I like it that I've retained those links.

 

[GoodEnoughForMe]

Rough. I wish you the best. Where do you live now? Are you working?

Thanks. Same place I've always lived, and yeah I've been working almost continuously since age 16.

 

[Cutlass]

I keep meaning to get to this thread. But it's too painful. So I'll leave a meme.

I first saw this in reference to romantic interest. But it applies to friendship as well. If a 'friend' can't make the time to spend with you, or even to talk, then they really aren't interested in being your friend.

 

[Lemon Merchant]

I've drifted away from people over the course of my life, but the only people that I have intentionally cut out of my life are my entire family. My family is a collection of Catholic ultra zealots and they don't approve of my "lifestyle choice", if you can call it that. When I came out to my parents, mum said I should be burned at the stake, and my father punched me in the face. After that, my entire family started in on me about "getting away from sin" and how I was going to Hell for my "sinful behaviour". I had to cut loose, and they eventually disowned me anyway when they realized that there was no hope for me.

It helps that I don't live in Ireland anymore. I won't run into any of them accidentally. I don't mind being an orphan, but Christmas is a little depressing sometimes.

 

[GenMarshall]

I’ve been on the receiving end and believe me, it’s no picnic in the park. In the past four-five years. I’ve had two friends who, in my perspective, just dumped me like a sack of potatoes and even defriended me from Steam. The other friend said that I was a nice person but couldn’t stand my personality and calls me annoying (he als said that my artwork and comics were uninteresting and unfunny which sapped my creative juices and motivation to make any comics). These events only exerbated my depression and gave me more pessimistic about other people, knowing that I’ll be hurt if I open up. I’m still in the process of recovering from these two events.