My sister visited again today. Her baby is still in Michigan.
She called the other grandmother from here to see if we could talk to the baby, but she did not pick up.
Then she called my mom's cousin, who goes to the same civil war reenactments with her and her husband and has become one of my sister's best friends.
She went on for a while about how it is really not right for him to let his mother take her baby away from her, and how from what she has seen it would be hard for anyone to put up with having someone as demanding as his mother visiting while adjusting to being a new mom.
My sister was crying about the DFCS visit and saying that she wishes she knew who called, and that they hadn't. Our cousin seemed to think that it must have been the mother-in-law who called, in order to have an excuse to take the baby.
When I got the phone away from mom (who has not heard how my brother-in-law spoke to my sister, and might not be able to handle that news) I explained that my guess for why DFCS visited was not because of my sister being unfit but because I had told some people at the institution how her husband had spoken to her and they seemed to agree it seemed abusive.
She instantly said that this did not surprise her at all. From their time together she said he always did seem a bit too uptight and controlling, and that she had been worried about emotional abuse since she saw how worried my sister had been about not getting the reenactment shirt she was knitting for his birthday done in time.
She also said that she felt like my sister's husband did not like her and was trying to get to to leave as soon as possible whenever she visited, because she thinks he could tell that she could see through his facade.
She wishes she had been available to stay with my sister full time, but her husband was having health problems that required her attention.
When I told her some of the things he said to her while visiting in the institution however she said she had not expected it to be that bad, and she grew more concerned when I brought up the allegations from ex-wife, the fact that her had picked out her wedding dress before proposing (or finalizing his divorce), and insisted on her closing her credit cards and bank accounts in exchange for his broken promise to pay off her student loans.
Our cousin agreed with me that my sister should have insisted on hearing his ex-wife's side of the story from her directly before agreeing to marry him, and insisted that my sister give her his ex-wife's contact information now so she can investigate further.
She said she is afraid that my sister seems to have married someone exactly like her second husband (she is on her third now), which is no good for anyone. This cousin said she put up with emotional abuse for longer than she should have but has grown tougher for it and will not tolerate it any more.
She insisted that my sister needs to tell everything to her therapist, and should not let her husband make her feel guilty for gossiping about their personal issues.
Rather than seeing a secular therapist she is planning to use a pastoral counselor recommended by someone at the church they have been attending. I hope this is an actual qualified licensed therapist, who won't make things worse like the counselor she saw a couple years ago through my parent's church was. (I do feel like their small moderate Methodist Church with a female pastor is a better place for her than the very Conservative Southern Baptist Church where we grew up. The sort of God my parents' pastor preaches is obviously an abusive husband figure Himself.)
She said he may be very polite, but clearly has zero empathy and needs therapy far more than she does.
My sister said that her husband does not want to take her to the therapist and does not believe he needs any sort of therapy himself. He still sees himself as the hero, and has often described himself as a White Knight who has rescued her from a terrible situation.
My sister was concerned that she forgot to set the alarm at their house and needed to get back home before her husband does so he would not find out and get angry at her for it. Our cousin said she should play along and not let him know there is anything unusual going on for a while, but should be focused on herself and preparing to step up and defend herself the next time he is in a bad mood. She said she needs to make it clear that she needs more time with her baby and with her mother, and that he is the selfish one not her.
I missed much of their conversation because I had to go in and keep my mom distracted, but I think talking to her helped.
As that phone call was winding down her mother in law called back, and we got a chance to talk to the baby for a while. (The baby of course does not talk yet, but did made some cooing noises we could hear.) The baby had gotten a lot bigger and seems to be doing well. The mother in law still plans to bring her back before too long, but did not give any details on a date yet.