
you know when you ride a bike, and you see a pole? And you're like, seven, eight? And you know the pole is tiny. But you're so afraid of hitting the pole, so you watch the pole to make sure you don't hit the pole. And then you hit the pole.
Stop watching the damn pole! Start watching where you want to be.
Sometimes I wouldn't mind hitting a Pole.
But I'm not sure where I want to be right now. About the only thing I can do is history, and that only because it's what I'm least bad at. I often have doubts about becoming a history professor, but what else can I do?
As for me being a bad person, consider: When someone starts coughing up a lung, I don't think, "That poor person. I hope they get better." I just wish they would shut up. It doesn't help that I've been getting more bitter and nasty over the past few months or years, and I'm pretty sure I'm a depressing person who's a drag on those I'm around.
Don't be so hard on yourself. After all, young Phrossack did create Current Phrossack.
I doubt that's a good thing. Current Phrossack is a very problematic guy.
Yes, this is a very important thing to remember.
My younger self is always aware that my older self will be watching, across time and space, with a disapproving glance. So, the former will try every moment to explain himself to the latter. For instance, sometimes in my diary, I speak directly to my presumed future self in self-deprecating terms, to indicate that I understand that he may find my current shenanigans amusing or embarassing and so onl
I'm kinda like that, except replace "future self" with "hairsplitting and bitter opponent." I'm constantly policing my thoughts, and sometimes even my words and actions, because I've internalized the voices of particularly critical and hairsplitting people I deal with, and I'm always worried that that internalized jerk will try to contradict, correct, criticize, or attack me. It is exhausting, and makes me defensive and irritable. It's been like this for years. It's like internalizing the voice of your nagging mother, only worse.
Plus, my closest friend and roommate is becoming even more obnoxiously eccentric, and I've found he's a scatterbrained, unsupportive, insensitive, arrogant jerk lacking in empathy or self-control. Whenever I explain something that's making my life difficult to him, his standard response, if he's paying attention, is to say that that sucks and that
he is so much happier and doesn't have that problem. We've been friends since we were six or so, but he's turning into someone I don't like.
This became readily apparent after I mentioned to him that I was turned down by someone who has meant a lot to me for a year and a half. She was very sweet about it, and I knew I had no chance, but still, she's one of a kind...