Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[gay_Aleks]

Okay. Now. We just need to concentrate. All we gotta do is find a safe passage out of here. Calmly. If we move quickly and without hesitance, nothing wrong will happen.

Wait, why am I speaking in "we"?

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Look for any port or peer; there must be at least a fishing dock for me to hitch a ride on.

4 (5): Your persistence in clinging to delusional fantasy does nothing to change the circumstances of your physical environment, though it does eat away at your mental stability. -1 SAN.

Well in that case I remember that elective course that I took at Dodge College, "Escaping from Handcuffs 101", and use my skills from that to get out of them.

16: "I CAN... BREAK THESE... CUFFS!
EEEEEAAAAAAAGGHH..."
You now have a pair of shiny, if largely useless, handcuff bracelets, and a +2 bonus to escape artistry.

I forgot I was wearing handcuffs. My staff and I cut them off.

12 (13): You are now fit to rule with both hands.

I get the clerk to take me to the facility's location.

14 (15): The clerk takes you to the outskirts and points you in the general direction; continuing on yourself, you eventually make out the silhouette of a man-made complex.

"I love accordion music!" I shout out, as I use my medical knowledge of various types of anatomy to erogenously return the hug, while I encourage the Lesser Hentaibeast to play its accordion by simultaneously breaking into a vocal rendition of R.E.M.'s You Are [My] Everything.

2 (1): Its anatomy does not appear to properly account for high-fidelity sound, though it does respond to your stimulation and returns the favour for 18 unsettling damage and +20 lust.

I hire blackwater.

12: You hire Blackwater for -$60/turn.

I spread my power with the power of K-pop

7: Communications are a right mess and you're probably not gonna convince a band to play live in the middle of a war zone.

Okay. Now. We just need to concentrate. All we gotta do is find a safe passage out of here. Calmly. If we move quickly and without hesitance, nothing wrong will happen.

Wait, why am I speaking in "we"?

4: Just when you think you've got a clear break, a grenade lands ahead of you.
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (7): You evade the brunt of the blast, but are still raked by shrapnel for 7 damage.

Ana tries to free Dhoomstriker from the hentaibeast.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (6): A tentacle manages to wrap around the trigger and shoot her for 7 damage.

The battle outside the hospital continues apace.
ROLL TO DODGE!
10: CivGeneral is nicked for 2 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7: North takes 7 damage as he retreats to cover.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1: Battered, bloody, and down one more, the lions break ranks and flee.

Meanwhile, Attlee and the Captain continue to scrap.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16 (20): Attlee mauls him for 19 damage.

CivGeneral is declared AWOL.
CubeCannon swaps Hyena and the Army Captain!

 

[Omega124]

I sic blackwater on the NATO forces and watch with feminine glee

 

[Ailedhoo]

Embrace the madness and begin praying to Cthulhu for safe passage to the hamlet.

 

[CivCube]

I have the scientists do a diagnostic scan on me. Perhaps there's something about being a cyborg that I didn't know before.

 

[GenMarshall]

I take the time to strategically headshot a row of soldiers to create a pathway for Sam so that we can both make it to the relative safety of the bacta tank.

 

[hoplitejoe]

I walk straight into the complex without any problems and find Horace.

 

[NinjaCow64]

Escape artistry eh? I remember that escaping paralell dimensions is just like getting out of a straightjacket. So with a few manic arm movements I pop back to where I started.

 

[Dhoomstriker]

Using a logical argument about satisfying the Lesser Hentaibeast, I ask desperately beg Ana to rip off her top and give it to me (there appears to be a lust factor involved there, too ), which, along with some duct tape and a nail to hold it into place, I engineer into a makeshift tentacle sling that I use to permanently secure two of the Lesser Hentaibeast's tentacles to itself, thereby giving it a self-satisfying, ever-present hug effect.

 

[SouthernKing]

Well then. I form a band of K-pop sneks

 

[gay_Aleks]

Pretend to be a hostage of the people inside the building shooting at the US Army. Shout that you're the aide of the Zambian ambassador and those people are terrorists wanting to ransom your family into forking over all that sweet $$$.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I sic blackwater on the NATO forces and watch with feminine glee

3: It turns out that PMCs are actually terrible when it comes to full-scale assaults against a First World national military. The NATO coalition presses forward to Windhoek, encircling your party, while Blackwater raises its fee to $100/turn to recoup its losses.

Embrace the madness and begin praying to Cthulhu for safe passage to the hamlet.

18 (17): The madness of the eldritch gods courses through you, twisting you into a servant of evil. You gain +2 to attack and defence, 45 hitpoints, and a +2 hp/turn regeneration rate at the cost of -2 SAN and -4 to social interactions with all but your own horrid kind.

I have the scientists do a diagnostic scan on me. Perhaps there's something about being a cyborg that I didn't know before.

9 (10): Expending 12 , they cant find anything in particular.

I take the time to strategically headshot a row of soldiers to create a pathway for Sam so that we can both make it to the relative safety of the bacta tank.

14 (16): Swapping to the All-American M16A2, 15 rounds a second, perfectly balanced, and only weighing five pounds, you grab Sam and haul yourself through the corridor back to the hospital plaza. Of course, now the army can return all its firepower to a single front.
ROLL TO DODGE!
19: Screaming "FFFFFFUUUUUUUU!!!!!!" and gunning like the A-Team, you empty three whole magazines but whip the soldiers into such a blind panic that they fall back to recover. The battle is over... for now.

I walk straight into the complex without any problems and find Horace.

5 (6): Sexy as your swagger is, the perimeter guards have a job to do.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (3): You do a bizarre rendition of the jitterbug as you're peppered with bullets for 17 damage and ongoing -5 hitpoints.

Escape artistry eh? I remember that escaping paralell dimensions is just like getting out of a straightjacket. So with a few manic arm movements I pop back to where I started.

6 (8): You ain't getting outta this easy, sunshine.

Using a logical argument about satisfying the Lesser Hentaibeast, I ask desperately beg Ana to rip off her top and give it to me (there appears to be a lust factor involved there, too ), which, along with some duct tape and a nail to hold it into place, I engineer into a makeshift tentacle sling that I use to permanently secure two of the Lesser Hentaibeast's tentacles to itself, thereby giving it a self-satisfying, ever-present hug effect.

11 (9): Theoretically sound as your plan is, it's a little hard to build anything with your wrists bound.

Well then. I form a band of K-pop sneks

11: You train your sneks to dance in sync while you and Momiji supply the vocals.

Pretend to be a hostage of the people inside the building shooting at the US Army. Shout that you're the aide of the Zambian ambassador and those people are terrorists wanting to ransom your family into forking over all that sweet $$$.

7 (9): Too late; the soldiers have already left.

More Black Arms forces storm out of the portal.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14: Using the power of his newly-formed K-pop band, SouthernKing sends a troop of dark soldiers back whence they came.

SamSniped didn't set his alarm.
CubeCannon swaps CivGeneral and Frank Drebbin!

 

[CivCube]

I send out city military to help secure the roads.

 

[hoplitejoe]

As i continue to do the jitterbug, the guards begin to appreciate the art that is my dancing and allow me to pass after giving me a first aid kit.

 

[Ailedhoo]

Heed the voices and march on in the direction of the hamlet; march till I reach the coast if possible.

 

[SouthernKing]

With my new powers I come to NATO's aid

 

[gay_Aleks]

Great. Now, all we need to do is focus, once more. Find literature on quantum physics and discover how to defy the power of the CubeCannon, because, this is getting slightly annoying.

 

[GenMarshall]

Now that I'm back in Africa, I make my way to the library, looking for stashes of ammo along the way.

 

[Dhoomstriker]

Since I am bound, I fail to make a patriotic, "moving" speech to the Lesser Hentaibeast.

EDIT: Happy 19th, Omega!

 

[Omega124]

Since it's my birthday, I ask pretty pwease if NATO just left Nambia :3