Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[NinjaCow64]

Impersonating a badly written fascist policeman, I find the nearest quantum physicist to open up a portal to my reality. If they don't obey me then threaten them with getting sent to a spooky communist concentration camp.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I send out city military to help secure the roads.

3 (4): What little local militia the city does have is quickly beaten back by the bandits... all the way to the city limits.
ROLL TO DODGE!
6 (7): Armed gangs are robbing the slums!

As i continue to do the jitterbug, the guards begin to appreciate the art that is my dancing and allow me to pass after giving me a first aid kit.

4 (6): They make a game out of directing your dance moves, minus the part where they care if they hit you. -10 hitpoints.

Heed the voices and march on in the direction of the hamlet; march till I reach the coast if possible.

12 (13): You reach the eastern seaboard.

With my new powers I come to NATO's aid

3: An elite Black Arms squadron blocks your path.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (10): You take 4 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
4: Your sneks are scattered and disoriented.
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (5): Momiji suffers 15 damage from a vicious onslaught.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14: The hentaibeast manages to entrap two of the soldiers.

Great. Now, all we need to do is focus, once more. Find literature on quantum physics and discover how to defy the power of the CubeCannon, because, this is getting slightly annoying.

6: It's a hospital, not a science lab.

Now that I'm back in Africa, I make my way to the library, looking for stashes of ammo along the way.

3: You spend several hours wandering aimlessly across the plains. Once the adrenaline wears off you're left tired, hungry, and parched: your attack and defence rolls are penalized -1 each, and your strength will deplete every 3 turns from fatigue.

Since I am bound, I fail to make a patriotic, "moving" speech to the Lesser Hentaibeast.

EDIT: Happy 19th, Omega!

1 (1): You spout off a cavalcade of slurs against its mother (do these things even have parents?) that, deaf ears aside, does somehow manage to antagonize it enough that it ignores Ana to squeeze the life out of you for 22 damage.

Since it's my birthday, I ask pretty pwease if NATO just left Nambia :3

11 (13): In retrospect this whole campaign has been a giant non sequitur, and they really don't want to have to deal with the Black Arms as long as there's Third-Worlders local expertise to handle them instead. You could probably sue for peace now.

Impersonating a badly written fascist policeman, I find the nearest quantum physicist to open up a portal to my reality. If they don't obey me then threaten them with getting sent to a spooky communist concentration camp.

8: It's only like the early Sixties. Quantum physics is still mostly theoretical at this point.

Ana uses the hentaibeast's singular focus to catch it unawares.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20: With kung fu you didn't even know she had, she manages to deliver a paralyzing 38 damage that frees Dhoomstriker from the beast's smothering embrace.

CubeCannon swaps hoplitejoe and Ailedhoo!

 

[gay_Aleks]

Fine. Then I go on to the nearest university, find a book on Chaos/Game Theory, and if that doesn't work, find a church and pray.

 

[hoplitejoe]

I keep dancing.

 

[Ailedhoo]

A secret base I am now? By the Elder Gods this is a quest on their part they hand to I! I see guards... ROAR TO SCARE THESE PETTY MAY FLIES!

 

[CivCube]

I get into combat mode and go to town!

 

[GenMarshall]

Full of determination, I make my way to Dhoomstriker's mannor.

 

[Omega124]

[peace suing intensifies]

 

[SouthernKing]

I use k-pop to defeat the Black Arms

 

[NinjaCow64]

No science in this stupid universe eh? Well I search for a magician to do the same thing.

 

[Dhoomstriker]

"Oh, you poor, dear. You don't know who your mother is," I say with compassion, as I return the hug as warmly and as soul-healing lovingly as possible.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Fine. Then I go on to the nearest university, find a book on Chaos/Game Theory, and if that doesn't work, find a church and pray.

11 (12): Picking your way through the battle's aftermath, you arrive at a mostly-unharmed library.

I keep dancing.

2 (4): You slip 'n slide on spent casings and dead bodies, scuffing yourself for 9 damage.

A secret base I am now? By the Elder Gods this is a quest on their part they hand to I! I see guards... ROAR TO SCARE THESE PETTY MAY FLIES!

1: "Demon detected! EXTERMINATE WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!!"
ROLL TO DODGE!
6 (8): The guards resume fire for 13 damage.

I get into combat mode and go to town!

1 (4): The bandits see your approach and aim to take you down, heralding your arrival with 14 damage's worth of bullets. Maybe you should've brought some friends.

Full of determination, I make my way to Dhoomstriker's mannor.

15 (14): After further hours of aimless wandering you come upon a town and, hearing what sounds like alien foreplay, stagger into the local library.

[peace suing intensifies]

4 (6): Desperate to come out of this mess with something to show the home countries, NATO places the blame in your hands, demanding the revocation of the 'fempire', $167 in restitution, and a ⅓ cut to your salary to be invested in "international aid" in exchange for complete withdrawal.

I use k-pop to defeat the Black Arms

19: Harnessing the entire rebel army for an impromptu music video, you overload the chaotic psyche of the dark troopers; anyone that doesn't flee back to M:TC has their head explode—though for some reason you get to keep that hentaibeast.

No science in this stupid universe eh? Well I search for a magician to do the same thing.

8: Fantastical as the timeline might be, it's not that loose with the rules.

"Oh, you poor, dear. You don't know who your mother is," I say with compassion, as I return the hug as warmly and as soul-healing lovingly as possible.

6: It may not understand the reason behind your actions, but physical intimacy is something it understands, and reciprocates... the only way it knows how, through rigorous molestation.
ROLL TO DODGE!
16: Having got a feel (literally and figuratively) for its movements, you manage to dodge its attacks while systematically entangling its limbs. By the time you're done, the hentaibeast looks like an obscene decorative bow; it'll have a hard time voilating you now!

[COLOR="RoyalBlue]CubeCannon swaps Dhoomstriker and Tolni![/COLOR]

 

[gay_Aleks]

Excellent. Begin perusing the science section to discover the secrets of quantum mechanics, canons, quantum entanglement and so-on.

 

[Omega124]

.....I bake the UN apology lasagna instead.

 

[NinjaCow64]

Then I realise that this dimension is timelocked! Meaning that no matter how long I spend here, only a couple of turns will have past in the real world! I then dedicate the next however many years into studying quantum mechanics, using my futuristic knowledge to accelerate scientific growth until I can find a way home!

 

[Ailedhoo]

So they do not fear me? In that case I will charge at and launch myself at one of the guards, strike them with my crowbar as I bring one of them to the ground.

IN SLAYING THESE GUARDS I WILL SACRIFICE THEM TO THE ELDER GODS!

 

[CivCube]

I call for back-up, front-down, and side-arms.

 

[hoplitejoe]

I keep dancing.

 

[Dhoomstriker]

Enlisting the help of Frank and Sam, I perform medical triage on the six fallen lions and Terrance888 and bring them back to the vicinity of the bacta tank, hoping for a miracle.

 

[GenMarshall]

I make my way down to the library's armoury, where I load up on ammo supplies.