Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[Thorvald of Lym]

There is only one way I can heal myself...

Go on a tea break and drink a cup of tea; hopefully the snakes will take their tea break too.

2: Turns out the colonialist's insistence on bizarre ritual provides the indigenous resistance the perfect chance to strike for emancipation! The snakes bite you to death.

You could not do it. You could not kill them all.

While up in orbit I perform a tantric ceremony with mantra chanting and an elaborate ritual to attune myself closer to the universe and improve all of my abilities. (Musical performance bonus applies)

15: No it doesn't, but you gain a +1 bonus to all rolls anyway.

Frank and I drive down to Cape Canaveral, Florida to acquire a Victory Star Destroyer.

18: The idea that a FRENCH tank is on AMERICAN soil so confounds the Trumpniks that you drive straight into the spaceport and make off with a downscaled copy of the Ultimate Spaceship, conveying several stat boosts while you're aboard.

I send a new team of investigators to Norway over this terrible luck I've been having >:c

5: You have no phone to make that call. You begin to suspect that maybe you've entered a Karmic depression as you suffer a -1 penalty to all rolls.

I continue my revolution.

8 (7): You won't be able to keep clobbering them much longer if you want enough spin to fling those bombs.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14 (17): Still, you've got enough mojo to beat the 49th for 18 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (11): Your constantly-shifting position confounds the 33rd's attempt to get a lock.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (10): The 52nd peppers you with automatic fire for 12 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (9): You're caught in the 17th's HE blast for 18 damage. Another mechanized division arrives.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (1): An opening salvo delivers 26 damage, throwing you off-balance and scuttling the launch prep. The other units reorganize for maximum effectiveness; you are now tactically encircled, penalizing all combat actions by -4.

The Eternal Kingdom renews its assault on India to buffer the salient.
ROLL TO DODGE!
18 (11): The Kashmir question is forever settled as Monarchist forces conquer the region. Meanwhile, Ted Cruz launches a daring manoeuvre into the Bahamas.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (15): The northwestern islands fall, granting the EKNC a +2 flanking bonus against Florida proper!

CubeCannon swaps the Hyena and the Circle of the Pitchmen!

​

 

[Ailedhoo]

Journey to the Beyond, seeking out a potential guide to help me on my path to seek out a demonic prince so they could provide the means for me to return to Earth to carry out my mission.

 

[Omega124]

I send the calls for investigators with smoke signals. Gotta be a lot of oil around by crashing into the place

 

[JohannaK]

Since CivG's ship was built by my company, I activate its backdoor remote control software and crashland it in EKNC Mongolia.

 

[GenMarshall]

I block off any backdoor remote control software access of my ship with an aid of a skillful white-hat hacker named Kusanagi. To prevent JoanK from hijacking it.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I send the calls for investigators with smoke signals. Gotta be a lot of oil around by crashing into the place

8 (7): Thinking convection is for chumps, you get dangerously close to the billowing inferno, receiving minor burns worth 4 damage, only to realize you're too far north for anyone in Namibia to even see it.

Since CivG's ship was built by my company, I activate its backdoor remote control software and crashland it in EKNC Mongolia.

6 (7): Monarchist agents intercept the signal to hack into your own ship's controls!
ROLL TO DODGE!
4 (5): They infect the computer routines for -20% optimization, provoking an error cascade that will continue to erode system functions each turn!

I block off any backdoor remote control software access of my ship with an aid of a skillful white-hat hacker named Kusanagi. To prevent JoanK from hijacking it.

7: You're already in orbit, and Joan hadn't seen fit to include teleportation beams in the original schematic.

The monarchist divisions take turns assaulting CivCube.
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (14): He holds his ground against the 49th, retaliating for 14 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (1): Concentrated fire by the 33rd knocks out his RPK and TriBerretta while dealing 33 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (8): The 52nd scuffs him up for 13 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
18 (15): He manages to close with the 17th, literally beating one of the tanks for 17 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (11): Entangled as he is with the 17th, the 80th can't get a lock. The last of Chiang's reinforcements finally arrive.
ROLL TO DODGE!
15 (11): CivCube only barely outmanoeuvres the elite 4th Royal Guards Division.

The Eternal Kingdom doubles down on Pakistan, hungry for a nuclear perk.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (8): But the Pakistanis hold the line. Meanwhile, Ted Cruz launches a fresh assault on Florida.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17 (11): The state falls, and with it, the Kennedy Space Center. The EKNC has gained force projection into orbit!

CivCube is declared AWOL.
CubeCannon swaps the Bluecapes and Namibian Rebels!

​

 

[JohannaK]

I put my tech team to work on restoring all systems.

 

[CivCube]

I chuck a bomb at 'em.

 

[Omega124]

I something successfully

 

[Ailedhoo]

Plead to the dark authorities to return to the mortal realm as a last chance to honour their name.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I put my tech team to work on restoring all systems.

12 (13): You get routines back up to 90%.

I chuck a bomb at 'em.

4 (3): You may be immune to radiation, but not the initial blast. Your throw comes up short and you take 27 damage, disabling all advanced systems for the next 4 turns due to EMP interference. At least your opponents will take 13 damage for the next six turns from the fallout. The fanatical divisions continue their attack.
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (18): The shock of close-quarters nukes takes a toll on the 49th's morale, enabling you to deal 18 damage as it struggles to hold together.
ROLL TO DODGE!
19 (17): The 33rd loses its mobility bonus, its IFVs being knocked out by the shockwave. You seize on the advantage to engage its helpless foot soldiers for 17 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (1): While you're busy with the other units, the 52nd attacks your exposed flank for 18 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (4): Taking to higher ground, the 17th assaults with impunity, knocking out your QuadK along with 12 hitpoints.
ROLL TO DODGE!
18 (16): The 80th is likewise compromised by the EMP, and you bloody it for 18 damage.
ROLL TO DODGE!
10 (6): The 4th delivers expert suppressive fire worth 16 damage.
You sure are glad the other players are backing you up, or this incredible tanking would've been a total waste.

I something successfully

10 (9): You'll have to be a bit more specific than that.

The EKNC turns its attention back on Afghanistan.
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (7): Turns out fighting guerillas in rural mountains is a pretty hard undertaking. Afghanistan musters +1 Defence. Cruz tries for another landing in Cuba.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (7): This one doesn't take, either.

CivGeneral is declared AWOL.
CubeCannon swaps the Lesser Hentaibeast and the Construction Worker!

 

[GenMarshall]

I set course for Iceland.

(Damn it, 10 minutes late!! . This is the last time I sleep all day )

 

[JohannaK]

I fire mass drivers on the divisions assaulting CivCube.

 

[CivCube]

I pick up a tank and commence smashing!

 

[Omega124]

I will myself to America

 

[NinjaCow64]

I resubscribe to the thread to see how this crazy story ends!

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I set course for Iceland.

6: Goddammit, you're orbiting in the other direction!

I fire mass drivers on the divisions assaulting CivCube.

20 (20): You deliver a precise and devastating barrage that smashes the units' morale, inflicting 30 damage to the 49th, 41 damage to the 33rd, 45 damage to the 52nd, 57 damage to the 17th, 45 damage to the 80th, and 54 damage to the 4th, provoking a wholesale rout that'll buy CivCube time to retreat to friendly territory. (CivCube gains a +3 bonus to exfiltrating occupied Mongolia until next turn.)

I pick up a tank and commence smashing!

8 (10): Unfortunately (fortunately?) they've all fled the battlefield.

I will myself to America

6 (5): You lose 1 SAN as you struggle to bend the laws of reality.

I resubscribe to the thread to see how this crazy story ends!

3: OH NO! You have been Dhoomstricken! Repost in 0.739518428 seconds or you will be banned for metagaming!!!1

The EKNC redirects its gluttony for nuclear capability back on India.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (13): Monarchist forces march into Himachal Pradesh. Meanwhile, Cruz forgoes a territorial invasion to strike at the USS Space Odyssey directly!
ROLL TO DODGE!
18 (13): Surface fire buffers the ship's shields for -9% effectiveness.

CubeCannon swaps mythmonster2 and the Hyena!

​

 

[JohannaK]

I return fire.

 

[Omega124]

Iask thor pretty please to just move me to America because I know this isn't fun for both of us

 

[CivCube]

CubeCannon! Swap that nearby rock with George!