Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[GenMarshall]

Using my infiltration ability and the teleporter, I appear right behind the US president and perform a sneak attack with my firearm, taking him down in one fell swoop.

 

[Terrance888]

I practice until I am proficient int he use of the snakeflail without epicflailing myself.

 

[hoplitejoe]

To avoid capture i find a wizard who will turn my into a real rhino.

 

[Darth Caesar]

I heal

 

[landlubber]

I turn my general into a werehyena.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I fire my sonic attack at the Hellcat.

14 (15): "I'M NOT DONE YET!" Your authoritative voice resonates in the Hellcat's sensitive sensitive ears for 26 damage.

I pick a fight with a fellow prisoner.

11: You grab his arms and start pummeling him in the face, shouting "Quit hitting yourself!"

I apply Russia for EU membership.

3: Oooh, bad move on both fronts. Russia is nowhere near compliant with the Copenhagen criteria, the war-time economy doesn't guarantee it can meet commitments, and the government ain't too eager to hand sovereignty over to the West. Your pay is halved so that you might reflect on where your loyalties lie.

Using my sound economic academia-based credentials (+1) and my statesmanship (+2), I reason to the Chinese that the USA is never going to repay their debts so the only way to get the money owed is by force and that the USA's recent terrorism in the name of "bringing about freedom" is just yet another Korea, Vietnam, Taiwan, etc.

4 (7): The CCP dismisses you and your 'revolution' as terrorist ramblings.

Using my infiltration ability and the teleporter, I appear right behind the US president and perform a sneak attack with my firearm, taking him down in one fell swoop.

3 (7): About 66 turns too late. Let's just say the government has... changed... over this time, and now expects people like you.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1: An electroshock directly to your spine saps 34 hitpoints and induces total paralysis for 3 turns.

I practice until I am proficient int he use of the snakeflail without epicflailing myself.

17: You gain a +2 bonus to rolls with your new weapon. As an added bonus, you figure out how to hook 'em with fangs, inducing poisoning.

To avoid capture i find a wizard who will turn my into a real rhino.

10 (11): You recall mention of Horace, Master of Bmfpqrtz from previous games, although where he is you do not know.

I heal

16: You, uh, plug the hole with your fist. Seems to work for now, though you might wanna seek professional attention.

I turn my general into a werehyena.

14: "Um... alright then." >DING< NEW COMPANION!

EnglishCrusader and Abaddon suffer 20 damage for inactivity.

 

[Verarde]

I get as close to the Hellcat's ears as I can and use my sonic attack.

 

[Red_Spy]

I offer Finland a chance to become a part of Russia.

 

[Dhoomstriker]

Using my knowledge of medicine (+3) and my statesmanship (+2), I personally heal wounded US soldiers and thereby become the Great Mediator who successfully negotiates the US' capitulation to Mexico.

 

[Skwink]

I take a step back, chuckle and flip my hair a bit, looking very cool.

 

[hoplitejoe]

I go on a quest with my my wife and some other rhinos to find Horace, Master of Bmfpqrtz!

 

[Darth Caesar]

I find a doctor

 

[GenMarshall]

I sneak to a hiding spot where no one can find me.

 

[landlubber]

I ask him what to do now.

 

[Boundless]

I subsume Abaddon.

(His body is consumed, and I gain all of his powers)

 

[Terrance888]

I smack Boundless with my SnailFlail

 

[MoreEpicThanYou]

I summon the time machine from Back to the Future.

 

[christos200]

Can i join?

If yes:

action: I steal 4 nukes from USA.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Live, damn you!! LIVE, I SAY!!

I get as close to the Hellcat's ears as I can and use my sonic attack.

1 (2): "HI, BILLY-" *glomp*
The beast swallows you whole, its digestive juices inflicting 24 damage per turn.

I offer Finland a chance to become a part of Russia.

16: They will endeavour to a more closer integration, but not annexation.

Using my knowledge of medicine (+3) and my statesmanship (+2), I personally heal wounded US soldiers and thereby become the Great Mediator who successfully negotiates the US' capitulation to Mexico.

2 (7): You teleport onto the battlefield and run straight into the line of fire.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8: Shrapnel cuts you for 10 damage.

I take a step back, chuckle and flip my hair a bit, looking very cool.

4: He then takes his turn.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20: He's so dazzled by your dashing good looks that he falls to his knees in reverence.

I go on a quest with my my wife and some other rhinos to find Horace, Master of Bmfpqrtz!

2 (3): You run straight into Coalition forces.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (9): Your tough hide absorbs 4 damage.

I find a doctor

2: It's awfully hard to talk with a fist in your mouth.

I sneak to a hiding spot where no one can find me.

Kinda hard to do when you're paralyzed.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8: Security cuffs you and drags you unceremoniously out of the building.

I ask him what to do now.

13: "OK, uh, well, first of all, you should probably play to your strengths. Kinda hard to fire a gun without fingers, you know? You'd probably be better off orchestrating night-time ambushes, you know, guerrilla-style. And for God's sake avoid the tanks."

I subsume Abaddon.

(His body is consumed, and I gain all of his powers)

7: You seem to be too dead for that.

I smack Boundless with my SnailFlail

7 (9): Kinda a waste of time when she's already dead.

I summon the time machine from Back to the Future.

13: You find a DeLorean, at least.

Can i join?

Missed it by that much.

 

[Red_Spy]

I study on how to be more diplomatic.