Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[GenMarshall]

While the enemies are distracted, I don a fallen soldier's uniform, infiltrate their ranks, and perform a surprise attack with my AK-47 that decimates the enemies.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I negotiate a peace agreement with NATO

18: In typical enemy-of-my-enemy fallacy, the West endorses your upstart movement as the 'legitimate' Namibian government and starts shovelling covert arms to your group. You personally acquire a FAMAS, a kevlar vest, and a Mastiff PPV to shuttle your command squad.

I get a microphone, and redo the speech, making sure to denounce SK

19 (20): Your eleventh-hour galvanization rallies the army and remaining loyalist citizens for total war against both NATO and the Snek unpersons.

Okay. So, it's time to go the Speech route. Tell the stupid, fat (I mean, they are, aren't they?) customs guard that I'm one of the diplomatic aides of some diplomatic big-wig in Zambia. And if they don't let me through, RIGHT NOW, they're going to have troooouble

19 (20): Despite your incredibly pale complexion the bluff actually works! You're given a government limo and a Secret Service escort to shield you against the Mexican ne'er-do-wells.

We set off to the Gobi desert

8 (10): They don't actually know where the base is, so you'll probably have to do this yourself.

Allow the potential medics to see to my wounds.

7: Hey man, they're just villagers. Besides, you don't even speak the language.

As I die I sacrifice my soul to our lord and savior RNGesus so that Civgeneral and Dhoomstriker have better luck.

7: You chicken out at the last second and flee for the bacta tank.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (8): You trip on a rock and scuff yourself for 3 damage.

I realise what I've been doing wrong this whole time! This is an opposite dimension, so the opposite of what I tries to do happens! So my next action is to get caputred by those badly-written fascist policemen!

9: On second thought, walking straight into a hail of bullets probably isn't that wise a move.

Since I am a Medic III Tank, I easily and confidently heal the entire party, all the while shrugging off enemy fire, thereby giving the party the morale boost needed to succeed.

5 (8): Great idea, but that Terrance is running away, you can't even see CivGeneral, and LOOK OUT THEY'RE SHOOTING AT YOU
ROLL TO DODGE!
12: Applying slick moves you didn't even know you had, you duck and weave through the fire.

Welp. I'll build a big ol' bank, then.

14 (15): City council approves construction of a local-area banking firm that through strategic investments will net $6 for the municipal budget each turn.

While the enemies are distracted, I don a fallen soldier's uniform, infiltrate their ranks, and perform a surprise attack with my AK-47 that decimates the enemies.

11 (12): You've already lost the element of surprise, but you do manage to pull attention away from Dhoomstriker et al. with six rounds.

As the lions continue the fight, Attlee focuses on the captain.
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (4): The combatants lock into close-quarters battle, but Attlee is quickly overpowered, suffering 19 damage.

CubeCannon swaps Dhoomstriker and Samuel North!

 

[Omega124]

Maxim Guns for days. I give a Maxim Gun to every loyalist for super comrade megan funtimes.

 

[Terrance888]

I hide near the baca tanka d convince Samuel North that the "damnedyankees" are asking for a fight.

 

[hoplitejoe]

i scan for signals in the Golbi desert using my science

 

[NinjaCow64]

Yes! It's working! I formally surrender to the Fascist Police!

 

[Dhoomstriker]

As an Educated Gentleman, I study the teleporter's engineering specifications to help me to fix the teleporter's problem, and only if I am successful do the Rebels, Ana, and I appear in AMERICA, surrounding the Army Captain.

Spoiler :

Yes, I know that I don't control the Rebels or Ana, but the Rebels are loyal to Samuel North, while Ana has always had a soft spot for Samuel North, despite Skwink's current for-show grievance with Samuel North, so they are all only too happy to come to Samuel North's aid. We all know that deep down, Skwink and Samuel North care deeply for each other.

 

[Ailedhoo]

Begin to journey to the hamlet.

 

[CivCube]

I send out a caravan to a neighbor for extra gold per turn.

 

[SouthernKing]

Every soldier in the snek legions will be personally given a magical girl staff to counter the maxim guns

 

[gay_Aleks]

Begin investigation on the shadowy cabal that clearly runs the entire USA - the Enclave. Spelled with an "E".

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Maxim Guns for days. I give a Maxim Gun to every loyalist for super comrade megan funtimes.

2: You have no Maxims in your inventory. Also, NATO puts boots on the ground.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7: Royal Marines establish a secure beachhead on the coast.

I hide near the baca tanka d convince Samuel North that the "damnedyankees" are asking for a fight.

9: You hide near the tank, but now he's out of earshot.

i scan for signals in the Golbi desert using my science

3 (4): Expending 12 informs you via your handy Horace radar that Horace is somewhere in the Gobi Desert.

Yes! It's working! I formally surrender to the Fascist Police!

16: Throwing aside your lasergun you approach with hands over head. They beat you up as a pecaution for 11 damage, clap you in handcuffs, and throw you into the back of a prisoner van.

As an Educated Gentleman, I study the teleporter's engineering specifications to help me to fix the teleporter's problem, and only if I am successful do the Rebels, Ana, and I appear in AMERICA, surrounding the Army Captain.

6 (8): The power supply is depleted.

Begin to journey to the hamlet.

3: You don't look both ways before crossing the dusty road and are struck by a jeep for 13 damage, tearing open your wounds for -4 hp/turn.

I send out a caravan to a neighbor for extra gold per turn.

9 (10): Insurgent groups menace the route.

Every soldier in the snek legions will be personally given a magical girl staff to counter the maxim guns

8: You hand out non-existent magic wands to counter the non-existent Maxim threat.

Begin investigation on the shadowy cabal that clearly runs the entire USA - the Enclave. Spelled with an "E".

20 (20): Doing a quick online search for "Enclave conspiracy" reveals the current war—from Skwink's Presidential assassination, to Dhoomstriker's follow-up insurgency against the substitute government, even the NATO hand-tying over hoplitejoe and Africa—is all part of a meticulous web to delegitimate civilian government and turn the United States into a military dictatorship and then Take Over the World™! ...They really need to use secure networks for internal memos.

With Dhoomstriker having spontaneously vanished, the army can better focus on the other combatants.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11 (10): The lions are still locked in stalemate.
ROLL TO DODGE!
5 (6): CivGeneral empties his magazine to ill effect as covering fire shaves off 9 hitpoints.

CivGeneral is declared AWOL.
CubeCannon swaps Tolni and Kinich-Ahau!

 

[NinjaCow64]

In the back of the prison van, I start to pray to RNGSatan to get me out of this mess because clearly RNGJesus hates me.

 

[Omega124]

Ok screw this. With my fire emblem sword, I embark on a rl fire emblem quest where I travel around the country and beat armies way more numerically advanced than mine with no casualties, due to the power of friendship and reloading saves.

 

[SouthernKing]

Together with the sneks we summon an army of youkai to aid our cause

 

[hoplitejoe]

Scan the Golbi desert using my Horace radar in finer detail

 

[Terrance888]

I convince Dhoomstriker's friends at the hospital to help patch me up.

 

[CivCube]

I ask my scientists to research something useful.

 

[Dhoomstriker]

Spoiler :

Ana: Dhoomstriker, you're no Skwink. You really need to think bigger picture.
Rebel Green Group Leader: She's right. If we're going to work together, we need to get sent to more spots than just to that skirmish.
Rebel Red Group Leader: In fact, you should be sending us in groups to strategic locations throughout 'MERICUH.
Ana: I still want to be by Samuel North's side, so that I can convince him to pick up the fight and to ensure that Skwink's efforts were not in vain.

Using my engineering ability and the academic knowledge gained from studying the specifications, I earn the loyalty of Ana and the Rebels by hooking up the pile of teleporter batteries that the Master had been dutifully stacking behind the teleporter in my absence (and before he disappeared, himself) and by telling Ana and the Rebels exactly how many turns it will take before Ana and I can safely head through the teleporter to the current battlefield in AMERICA and before the Rebel Groups can safely head through the teleporter to key strategic locations throughout AMERICA.

 

[Ailedhoo]

Yell for help.