Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[GenMarshall]

As an expert in firearms, I am able to identify the most useful guns from fallen soldiers and I acquire them for the fight.

 

[gay_Aleks]

I'm actually in America.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

In the back of the prison van, I start to pray to RNGSatan to get me out of this mess because clearly RNGJesus hates me.

7: You get a busy signal.

Ok screw this. With my fire emblem sword, I embark on a rl fire emblem quest where I travel around the country and beat armies way more numerically advanced than mine with no casualties, due to the power of friendship and reloading saves.

8 (10): You'll have to escape from these wretched bombs first.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (11): You take shelter from the strike.

Together with the sneks we summon an army of youkai to aid our cause

1: You unwittingly relocate the portal to Mobius: Total Chaos, and a Black Arms armada storms out.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (4): A Lesser Hentaibeast violates you for 14 humiliating damage, tying you up for a -2 penalty to mobility.
ROLL TO DODGE!
14 (18): Omega124 effortlessly cuts down the chaotic brute while safely storing 6 Chaos Energy for future use.

Scan the Golbi desert using my Horace radar in finer detail

7 (8): It suddenly dawns on you that the "Golbi Desert" doesn't actually exist.

I convince Dhoomstriker's friends at the hospital to help patch me up.

3: Just as you're approaching the main entryway, an errant bullet hits you in the back and you slam against the concrete ground.

I ask my scientists to research something useful.

5 (6): They accidentally create a non-tensile spring that can walk down like one step before it keels over sideways. They call it: the Slonky.

Spoiler :

Ana: Dhoomstriker, you're no Skwink. You really need to think bigger picture.
Rebel Green Group Leader: She's right. If we're going to work together, we need to get sent to more spots than just to that skirmish.
Rebel Red Group Leader: In fact, you should be sending us in groups to strategic locations throughout 'MERICUH.
Ana: I still want to be by Samuel North's side, so that I can convince him to pick up the fight and to ensure that Skwink's efforts were not in vain.

Using my engineering ability and the academic knowledge gained from studying the specifications, I earn the loyalty of Ana and the Rebels by hooking up the pile of teleporter batteries that the Master had been dutifully stacking behind the teleporter in my absence (and before he disappeared, himself) and by telling Ana and the Rebels exactly how many turns it will take before Ana and I can safely head through the teleporter to the current battlefield in AMERICA and before the Rebel Groups can safely head through the teleporter to key strategic locations throughout AMERICA.

Telling the GM how to run his own NPCs? There's a word for situations like this; it's called
HAAAAAAAAAAAX!!!
ROLL TO DODGE!
4: A CRT monitor to the face takes out 17 hitpoints and one point each off your Engineering and Medicine modifiers.

Yell for help.

9: Having landed face-down, you scream into the dirt.

As an expert in firearms, I am able to identify the most useful guns from fallen soldiers and I acquire them for the fight.

10 (9): If you wanna go looting corpses without getting torn apart, you're gonna need to break that suppression.

I'm actually in America.

5 (6): Your mind clearly can't cope with this absurd situation, and you lose 1 SAN as you slip into protective delusion.

Attlee continues to grapple with the captain as the lions revise their tactics.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1 (1): The armour brings its guns to bear close-range; three lions are cut down and the rest retreat to the hospital while the captain slices 21 hitpoints out of Attlee.

CubeCannon swaps Ailedhoo and Frank Drebbin!

 

[Omega124]

I never mind the bombs and press on anyways.

 

[CivCube]

I sell the Slonky to ironic hipsters!

 

[NinjaCow64]

I wait in the van until I start getting rolls that aren't complete trash.

 

[hoplitejoe]

I search the Gobi Desert in greater detail with my radar for Horace.

 

[Dhoomstriker]

With Attlee locked in near-mortal-combat and support disappearing on all sides, in between swipes, he enters his Mind Palace, which is as vast a knowledge storehouse as the library, where he researches the means to single-pawedly take on the enemy forces with nothing but his claws and his guile.

 

[gay_Aleks]

While yelling something about a GECK and your village, punch the everloving hell out of the cops in the van.

 

[Ailedhoo]

Try to get up and then yell for help face upwards into the sky.

 

[GenMarshall]

I cannot seem to find the extra rounds of ammunition that I had stashed in the ammo belt under my shirt.

 

[SouthernKing]

I summon more youkai and invade neighbouring Poland

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I never mind the bombs and press on anyways.

12: Accompanied by your closest associates from the APP, you strike out east to confront the NATO landing yourself.

I sell the Slonky to ironic hipsters!

16 (17): Capitalizing on the bizarre, overvalued hipster niche, you begin mass-production of "hand-crafted" Slonkys that continue to sell despite literally no fathomable reason, splitting the revenue 1:3 between yourself and the city treasury. +$6/turn to you, and +$12/turn to municipal funds.

I wait in the van until I start getting rolls that aren't complete trash.

14: You get a good roll just in time to arrive at the station and be hauled out by the cops.

I search the Gobi Desert in greater detail with my radar for Horace.

11 (12): You pick up a faint signal about a hundred kilometres southeast of Dalandzadgad.

With Attlee locked in near-mortal-combat and support disappearing on all sides, in between swipes, he enters his Mind Palace, which is as vast a knowledge storehouse as the library, where he researches the means to single-pawedly take on the enemy forces with nothing but his claws and his guile.

17 (19): Through rigorous study of US Army doctrine, he determines that overspecialization and a crippling adherence to command hierarchy can be effectively exploited to hamper general combat effectiveness. Attlee gains a +3 bonus to combat against the United States Army. During this study, of course, he leaves himself critically vulnerable to attack.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8: The captain squeezes another 15 hitpoints out of him.

While yelling something about a GECK and your village, punch the everloving hell out of the cops in the van.

17 (18): You burst open the doors and leap out dramatically, rolling across the road before shouting to the high heavens. Everyone just stops and stares, but you're pretty sure the thrilling display just netted you a +1 bonus to intimidation.

Try to get up and then yell for help face upwards into the sky.

13: You pick yourself up off the ground.

I cannot seem to find the extra rounds of ammunition that I had stashed in the ammo belt under my shirt.

10 (9): You aren't wearing an ammo belt.

I summon more youkai and invade neighbouring Poland

5: Turns out the summoning ritual requires hand gestures.
ROLL TO DODGE!
18 (19): As a menacing tentacle makes for your face, you realize you're not completely defenceless and bite hard, slicing off the tentacle for 18 damage and inflicting ongoing 7 damage to the hentaibeast. Writhing in pain and confusion, it looses its grip enough for you to escape its embrace.

Kinich-Ahau missed the bus.
CubeCannon swaps Tolni and the Army Captain! (Lion Attlee follows the Army Captain!)

 

[gay_Aleks]

This is frustrating, your chara- wait, why am I speaking in second person? Screw this. Seek out literature or software or what-ever available on the topic of ion beams, their quantum nature, and how to disrupt them. This, in the end, is the future. Bold new era.

Also going back to Africa for no reason is bloody damn annoying, you th- again with the second person!

 

[hoplitejoe]

I travel to Dalandzadgad.

 

[NinjaCow64]

With my newfound good rolls I escape police custody.

 

[Ailedhoo]

Continue to the hamlet.

 

[Omega124]

I now start said fire emblem campaign, combining the powers of friendship and reloading to create a tiny yet invincible army :3

 

[Dhoomstriker]

As he exits his Mind Palace, Attlee pulls a Sherlock, by determining the exact order of blows to make on the Army Captain in order to relieve the Army Captain of the alien medallion, and then executes his attack with flawless precision.

 

[GenMarshall]

I try in vain to find anything of luck to shake off the negative effects on my rolls.