[RD] Ask a Schizoaffective.

[caketastydelish]

Yeah, either they are incredibly disorganized (which I already know) to have me work the day after I quit plus I never signed up for overtime or they were simply trying to intimidate me to go to work today, and that's pathetic.

They were giving away a bunch of prizes, I forget the exact formula but something like every hour of overtime this (superbowl) weekend gives you two raffle tickets to win the prizes, and they were doing that as an incentive because they were desperate to get people to come to work during overtime because no one wanted to sign up for it.

Although that's not my problem, and even if I HADN'T quit this job, I don't appreciate them trying to intimidate me to go to work on a day that isn't my schedule. I distinctly remember them saying if you're going to work this weekend you need to tell them so they know, plus they add you to the list to win those prizes. I never signed that list.

 

[caketastydelish]

A lot of negative things happened all at once, plus I forgot to take my anti-depressant meds so I'm not in good shape.

Besides the frustrations that already happened with my job I am absolutely stunned that Seattle lost the superbowl, although I won't go into details because that's not the main purpose of this thread, the point is that's just one more thing to stress me out and upset me.

Many other things though. I went to my (ex) work today and they are trying to not pay me at all for an entire day that I actually did show up to work, those people are so crooked thank God I quit.

Microsoft is also being crooked because I paid for Microsoft office 365 university edition and they are saying I canceled my subscription even though I never did, so now they're trying to get me to buy again what I already paid for and I don't know what to do. I need microsoft office because I need microsoft word and all that stuff for my classes, and I'm not going to buy it over and over so they can say I "canceled my subscription" again and I have to keep buying it every few months. This was supposed to last for several years. I've been on the phone for hours and nothing was accomplished.

Besides that my Xbox which was returned to me is acting crazy even though they said they repaired it so I have to send it for another repair.

Although since Microsoft owns the hawks plus office/xbox, maybe they are the source of my frustrations.

On a more serious note I feel like my life is wasting in front of me and I don't know what to do. I want to have another job but my parents lashed at me for trying to apply somewhere else. They think I cannot handle part time work plus part time college but I think I can. I'm really not working for the money, there's no time to enjoy things money can buy if you're working/studying all the time anyway. I just want to work for the satisfaction of being able to tell myself that I have a job. I'm afraid I'll be 30 and still no job other than that one time thing. Also girls. I don't know how to talk to them and that's also an issue.

 

[caketastydelish]

As of me writing this I've been trying to sleep for the past two hours but can't because of insomnia. And I know EXACTLY what issue is triggering this.

I'm lonely as hell, and feel my life isn't advancing. One particular girl just a few years younger than me (I'm 23 and she's 21) got married back in November. There was no romance between us and she lived literally over 1000 miles away, we were only internet friends. But GOOD internet friends. We talked a lot and had a lot in common, and we talked about our personal lives/ personal problems and supported each other. Now that she's married she has stopped responding to me entirely, and I guess she doesn't want her husband to feel jealous even though since I am over 1000 miles away and there was no romance between us to begin with there is no threat.

But I truly feel like a loser with no one now to share my ups and downs of life with, no one to connect with like that. Although if there's any good out of it, at least she taught me the lesson of the kind of people (especially women) to seek out in the future. Obviously no other person is going to be a carbon copy of her but on the other hand there should be a fair few number of people that are sort of like her which is surely good enough.

Her characteristics:

1) A genuinely nice person (although who wouldn't seek out that)
2) She loved reading books and writing
3) Despite being American like me she had a fascination with all things British, from TV shows like Dr. Who to literature to the slang they used, etc.
4) She is very creative
5) Like me, she also goes through cycles of depression although as far as I know she isn't diagnosed with anything

edit: Also a neuropsychologist evaluated me 6 months ago or so and he said based on his interview with me as well as how I performed on his tests that talking to friends/connecting with more people in general would be very beneficial to me. So I know this isn't just me BSing this stuff up in my head, there is science to back it up. It's really hard to find people like me in this small town because a lot of my interests like that are obscure (at least for in this redneck town) and there aren't many places to go.

edit: I sent her a message acknowledging she won't talk because she's married and this is my final goodbye and I didn't expect a reply- but she did reply, saying the only reason she wasn't talking to me is because she's been busy packing boxes into her new house and a bunch of other day to day chores so she hasn't had time to talk to any of her online friends and has nothing to do with her being married.

On the other hand even though that is probably the truth, it could very well be that we won't talk anymore (at least not much) because now she has a full life. That's what I want. A full life. A job (that I can actually handle), followed by meaningful hobbies as well as friends to talk to and maybe even a girlfriend, followed by a wife some day. I know maybe I am talking in 'american dream' cliche or whatever and maybe all of this sounds cheesy but in all seriousness at least I have some direction I'm aiming for. I'm studying to get computer certifications to work as an IT and maybe I can design HTML sites to earn extra on the side income. All the while every other day or so I go to the gym and I also will continue my writing, because you never know one day I may get published.

So her lack of talking to me has kicked me in the ass, and in the short term that made me miserable but in the long term it is what I needed because now I see what my life will be if things don't change: I will be 30 years old and all my friends have their own families by then and I am by myself all alone in this world, bored lonely and miserable. I just hope I can catch up in time.

 

[caketastydelish]

Updating this. I have SEVERE social anxiety and I am honestly afraid to go outside in public at all. It's weird because I continue hustling for a job (nobody will hire me in this stupid town)... maybe they all know I feel uncomfortable. I do really bad in social situations.

I went to little ceasers to get myself my Saturday night Pizza tonight when a woman making the pizzas in the back looked at me and called me "crazy". I'm really tired of this and I hate these people and I have no idea how the hell they know. I wasn't talking to anyone there or even to myself, I wasn't pacing or doing anything weird.

I hate going out in public because everyone is so mean to me. I want a therapist but I have no money to afford one.

 

[plarq]

The ideation of "everything against me" is so paranoia schizophrenic, I'm afraid.--From unlicensed amateur psychologist. Hope you feel better.

 

[caketastydelish]

Maybe she wasn't talking about me but I think she was. It's so hard. I was genuinely bulled (literally the most bullied student period) in middle school and that's carried with me all this way. I feel most people see me as a 'manchild' and I'm really tired of it. They think I'm just being immature and a loser without a job without any understanding (or caring) of my situation.

I've applied god knows how many places and I'm turned down left and right, I usually don't even get an interview.

 

[Perfection]

Dude you're still so young. Don't worry so much about the whole thing. It'll come into place.

Focus on what you can do now which is to keep confronting your social anxiety and getting the help you need. After that a job will come and so will friends and women. You say you cant afford a therapist. Do you have health insurance?

 

[plarq]

Dude you're still so young. Don't worry so much about the whole thing. It'll come into place.

Focus on what you can do now which is to keep confronting your social anxiety and getting the help you need. After that a job will come and so will friends and women. You say you cant afford a therapist. Do you have health insurance?

I always found health insurers really don't like mental illness treatments. Lots of stuff about psychotherapy has higher copays or even completely uncovered. This is bare ass.

 

[Perfection]

Under the Affordable Care Act, mental health services are considered essential. With his lack of income he should be able to receive free treatment.

 

[caketastydelish]

I will look into that perfection. 3 great things for now:

1) I *finally* got another job (although the fact that it's taken this long to reach this point isn't due to lack of effort on my part). I'm not willing to say specifically where I work at this new job but let's just say I work at a store packing stuff because that much is the truth.

2) I'm finally getting around to catching up in coursework, I procrastinated long enough.

3) I can finally beat Madden 15 on the hardest difficulty setting.

The manager interviewing me thought I was very smart (I always give off that vibe). I don't start working until Friday or Saturday, so I'll use the meantime to catch up with coursework.

 

[Perfection]

Very glad to hear, hopefully your schedule will be a bit more regular.

Getting health insurance is very easy - just go here:
https://www.wahealthplanfinder.org

Fill out some info, you'll qualify for free or reduced premiums and presto.

 

[caketastydelish]

Thanks, although I actually live in Texas. I put Seattle as my location because that's where I wish I lived.

 

[Perfection]

Then you can go through the national website:

https://www.healthcare.gov/get-coverage/

 

[caketastydelish]

Thanks so much. I already took a quick look and will take more time when I'm totally caught up on coursework.

As a side note just to update this thread with (useful?) information, I think using the site "lumosity.com" has made me a better student and able to focus on my work better, after using the site for a few weeks I've been more dedicated to my studies. You may think "then why waste your time playing the games on the site". I don't play the games on the site more than 15-20 mins a day, according to them that's all you need and for me it has helped.

 

[caketastydelish]

My dad broke the news to the family that he's been diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer's and they have a life expectancy of 8 years from the time they've been diagnosed. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do and I'm really worried. Beyond that today was the "real" first day (training doesn't count) at my new job where I work in the produce section of a grocery store.

The job wasn't as bad as my old job but I still didn't like it. One particular boss got upset with me twice even though I'm new to the job and thus can't be expected to totally know what I'm doing. Beyond that a customer got mad at me for not knowing where the whole (not cut) celery was. I told her I didn't have any with me and I went to the back where our food is stocked and one guy said he put them in my cart. So I opened each box once I reached where that lady was again and it made me look like an idiot because there wasn't any whole celery, only more cut celery which she didn't want.

Then I want again to the back room where our stock inventory is, and I walked around for a long time looking for someone with an answer and it took forever just to find out we didn't have any whole celery in stock. So I went back to that woman to tell her and she got super mad.

All in all it wasn't a very good day.

 

[caketastydelish]

Updating this again. I was working at a grocery store in produce but I lost that job. The management was constantly chewing me out for not doing my job correctly even though I couldn't see what I was possibly doing wrong. They were completely unfair to me because I worked so hard for that store and they never appreciated the work that I did. I always showed up on time, did my work and left.

Now my life is in a 100% slump and it's just over as far as I'm concerned. I honestly don't know what to do, things considered more 'extreme' in the past are looking more and more now like rational options. I thought I would be so successful and now everyone thinks I'm a loser and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Most people in the real world don't give a damn about my illness and just say 'we all have our problems, you're just being lazy' even though they don't realize I'm actually trying my best. I don't do any drugs, I get plenty of sleep, I exercise, I have a reasonable diet. I work (or did until now). I don't go around getting women pregnant or otherwise messing around. I don't have a criminal record whatsoever.

Yet in spite of all of this, no one except my immediate family appreciates me, and no doubt they only do because they're my blood. The more obvious this is, the more obvious it is that I don't belong here.

 

[Hygro]

Yeah, get out of texas. go to WA

 

[caketastydelish]

I'd be bringing my problems with me, only without a home, food to eat, etc.

 

[plarq]

This doesn't sound good. Any hope to get some family support?

 

[Hygro]

I'd be bringing my problems with me, only without a home, food to eat, etc.

ur life