Comedy Improv One-Liner Contest Thread, Part Two

[Mise]

When life gives you lemons, ask "where the hell did this lemon come from?", and if you receive no reply, it probably isn't safe to eat. I mean, what the hell man, why would you just pick up a lemon off the street?! What the hell is wrong with you?!?! What would you even do with the lemon?!

 

[mechaerik]

When life gives you lemons, beat people over the head with them and then squirt the juice into their eye.

 

[Bobbtjoe]

Also, Bobbtjoe's cheating because he's quoting someone....

How do you figure that?

 

[classical_hero]

When life gives a lemon, take it to fair trade and they will report the previous owner.

 

[Zack]

How do you figure that?

It was in your sig.

 

[Perfection]

Mise wins.

 

[Mise]

Woo!

I like my women like I like my Beatles memorabilia:

 

[Zack]

I like my women like I like my Beatles memorabilia: from the 1960's and covered in dust.

 

[Lord Baal]

I like my women like I like my Beatles memorabilia; previously handled by several drug-addled rockstars.

 

[Kennigit]

I like my women like I like my Beatles memorabilia: in the road.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Why_Don't_We_Do_It_in_the_Road?

 

[madviking]

I like my women like I like my Beatles memorabilia: Name Lucy, in the sky and has diamonds.

 

[Bobbtjoe]

I like my women like I like my Beatles memorabilia: cheap, large parts being plastic, with a high likelihood of drugs being involved.

 

[Perfection]

I like my women like I like my Beatles memorabilia, from aimeeandbeatles' house.

 

[classical_hero]

I like my women like my Beatles memorabilia: a classic.

 

[Mise]

Sorry forgot about this! I choose Zack's!

 

[Zack]

Your mother is like an M. Night Shyamalan film:

 

[Kennigit]

Your mother is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie--absolutely fantastic. Could not be any better.

 

[Lord of Elves]

Your mother is like an M. Night Shyamalan film: Oh God! Oh God! Why!? It's inhumane! It's... so... horrible!

 

[aronnax]

Your mother is like an M. Night Shyamalan film: Oh God! Oh God! Why!? It's inhumane! It's... so... horrible!

I hope you win!

 

[nonconformist]

Your mother is like an M. Night Shyamalan film: at first I think she's pretty neat, but she becomes more and more predictable as time goes by, and steadily declines until 8 years later nothing is left of her original beauty and all that remains is a twisted, hollow trainwreck of dilapidated rape.