[RD] I'm transitioning. If you've ever been confused about the T in LGBT, ask me anything

[Darsnan]

Hi All,

after discussing with contre via PMs I thought I'd post from a slightly different perspective, which is that of a parent of a transgendered child.
My child came out to my wife and I this past Christmas, and began the transition process from male to female when they went back to University in January. I've jotted down some thoughts and experiences I've had on the subject matter since this past Christmas, and if this helps even one person who finds themselves following the same path that I am, then it is worth the effort.

Initial thoughts after being told
So my first reaction upon being told about what my child had been through emotionally for years in regards to their sexual identity, I had a lot of guilt in that I wasn't there for my child when they needed me the most. Also, to me parenting is very primal, and very instinctual, and there is a very deep need to protect, and it has filled me with angst that my child is doing something that puts them at great risk. Months later I still feel these same thoughts, however I do feel that there is no reason to continually beat myself up on this, as if I had known earlier I would have responded to my child's situation. And as far as the angst I still feel is concerned, I believe thats how a true parent should feel under the circumstances.

There is also that thought of "did I do something wrong raising my child, is it something in the environment?". When I went to my first Transparent meeting I did an informal polling of the other parents who were present: they came from all walks of life, with all sorts of backgrounds and situations, and as far as I could tell there were no common denominators between us that indicated this might be an environmental situation. I think between this, as well as educating myself further on the subject matter, has convinced me that Transgenders are born that way, and it wasn't something that I (or any of the other parents I've met) are doing/ did wrong.

After thinking for a couple days about the discussion my daughter and I had, I sat down with my daughter and discussed my stance with her, which is that I cannot accept this emotionally, however I will respect and support her decision, and everytime since then that this subject matter comes up (of how I feel) I refer to the second two items (respect and support). In essence I am pushing my personal feelings aside, because after having read that approximately 42% of Transgenders attempt suicide, I am not going to burden my child with my issues as well.

From the cup is half empty perspective, as far as losing my son is concerned, there are regrets here: if my wife and I had originally had 3 daughters, then we would have contemplated trying again for a boy. Now, its too late for us to have that choice.

From the cup is half full perspective, if someone had previously asked me what I wanted my child to be, I would've responded by saying that I wanted them to be intelligent, healthy, caring, fun-loving, with a good heart, and who isn't into drugs. And my child is all of those things. Should I have also said "and heterosexual"? It would never have occurred to me previously to append that on to the statement, and retrospectively I don't think that is fair. I should be happy I have a child who is everything I wanted them to be. And I am.

As far as coming out to the family is concerned

My child began the initial conversation with me by saying, "well Dad, the good news is I'm not gay". Afterwards, when I was discussing with her about how to address this subject matter with her mother, I made it clear that this was not a good approach, as most parents aren't that nuanced between what it means to be gay (a male who identifies as male and is interested in other males) and what it means to be transgendered (in this case a male who identifies as female and is interested in males).

My approach towards breaking this news to my extended family: because of social media I've already discussed this with those online (and who are from the same generation as my daughter). They are very supportive, and I've used them to discuss who on their respective sides of the family are the best candidates to approach in regards to broaching the subject matter formally with their respective branches of the family.

As far as future family get-togethers are concerned: sort of dependent upon how the above resolves itself, but I've already told my daughter that if I am advised we should not attend a certain family function, then we will honor that request, and we will not attend ( I purposely made it an inclusive statement with her that we are a package deal). A good example of this would be that we typically visit our relatives' camps during the summer. These are private camps, and people go there to relax and enjoy themselves, and not get involved in situations which create discord within the family. I think it is respectful to honor requests in this environment.

Other social functions: my daughter just won a scholarship at University. When I congratulated her I also discussed the presentation ceremony. Or to put it slightly differently, I am responding exactly the same way as I would have this time last year.

Other thoughts

What's a sensible way of handling particularly young and particularly old (and what qualifies as particularly young/old?) people who are interested in transitioning?

I can't speak to the particularly old, however as a member of a Transparent support group and seeing what the families of the particularly young Transgendered are going through ("If my (10y/o) son is going to my companies Christmas party dressed as a girl, we're not going!"), then having observed enough different situations my best advice for the particularly young is that there are too many nuances present in each situation (age, location, religion, school system, etc), so therefore the best approach IMO is to get a therapist/ expert to advise the family.

When to transition: for me I was angry at first that my child told me days before Christmas - how could she ruin Christmas like this! However after thinking about it I realized that this was the best approach for my family, as my child would go back to University and transitioning there, with our knowledge that this was going to occur. By transitioning at University it allowed my family some breathing space, and a chance to remotely (via social media) become accustomed to my child's new identity - i.e. this transition wasn't an everyday-in-your-face-whether-you-like-it-or-not event, but rather it allows my wife and I, when we feel comfortable, to visit her FB page to see her as she is now, and grow accustomed to it, so that when she comes home in May we will already be accustomed to her new persona.

 

[emzie]

Spoiler half joke half seriousbawnser :

i in a way like it, and feel uplifted, when people are mysoginistic to me. It's weird, but it means they accept me as a woman, even if they look down on me for so

I got cat called today. Guy was 100% creepy old guy, but part of me was still like, hell yeah!

Dose your drivers license say M (male) ? dose it cause problems ?
Or do people just assume you to just be gay / cross dresser ?

In Japan was watching a program about good clubs and places to visit, and they had a gay club, someone said he decided to try out school girl uniform and liked it so he decided to wear it all the time and he was suddenly bi-sexual. :O I found that very weird. Japan is weird they are both tolerant but also intolerant its some weird Japanese culture thing I guess.

Could you just be bi-sexual ?

I have not yet legally changed either my gender or my name. My identification all reads Matthew and M. It's not fun being carded. If I anticipate I will be, I'll make a point to dress androgynously.

The State of Ohio currently does not change the gender marker on a birth certificate for any reason, even sex-reassignment surgery. Thankfully, Canada don't gaf.

I really have no idea what people assume me to be. They don't bring it up. I have no desire to have that conversation 5 times a day, so I don't either. I think I pass quite well and I hope most people assume I'm a woman and nothing more to it.

I'm pretty damn sure I'm not bisexual. I've considered it. There are men I find attractive, but the thought of any kind of intimacy terrifies me. I have issues trusting men. Part of that I imagine is from my own gender dysphoria. A lot of it though is just things I've dragged with me from my childhood.

For a while, I felt that if I were to undergo SRS, then I would have to at least try. I talked to my therapist about it and her advice was pretty blunt, "that would be a mistake."

Is there a usual amount of time for physical development under HRT? Does it depend on the individual? Do testosterone and estrogen differ in developmental speed?

By protocol, no less than 1 year. That's the minimum time of being on HRT before you can do SRS or breast augmentation.

It's often claimed that testosterone works quicker, but I'm skeptical it does. Transmen will start developing facial hair and their voices will deepen rather quickly after starting T. However, it only takes a little bit of facial hair to be read as male, so the small gains that transmen make at the start of HRT seem to be bigger changes than what transwomen experience over the same time frame, but I don't know if that's because testosterone works quicker or if the changes transmen undergo are easier to perceive.

 

[Zelig]

I have not yet legally changed either my gender or my name.

I'm pretty dismissive of legal status of name/gender/marriage/etc. It's a government record-keeping error, like when they have the wrong address on file.

 

[Omega124]

Hey, Darsen, for all the transgender people out there who lack even a single supportive parent, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there with your daughter. I wish my own parents were even half as accepting of me as you are. You rock.

That being said, some of the stuff you said interests me and I even have some questions for you if you don't mind (could be great to know for next time I have to deal with my folks)

Hi All,

after discussing with contre via PMs I thought I'd post from a slightly different perspective, which is that of a parent of a transgendered child.
My child came out to my wife and I this past Christmas, and began the transition process from male to female when they went back to University in January. I've jotted down some thoughts and experiences I've had on the subject matter since this past Christmas, and if this helps even one person who finds themselves following the same path that I am, then it is worth the effort.

Does her insurance work out there? I know later on you say she wanted to transition in peace by herself, which is the exact reason I wanted to go to Brockport rather than something closer to Albany. However, to my shock, my insurance didn't want to cover anything out here, which made me give up transisitioning for a while. I'm just a little concerned if she is able to afford the co pay and, if not, if you'd help her out (spoilers: my parents do not).

Initial thoughts after being told
So my first reaction upon being told about what my child had been through emotionally for years in regards to their sexual identity, I had a lot of guilt in that I wasn't there for my child when they needed me the most. Also, to me parenting is very primal, and very instinctual, and there is a very deep need to protect, and it has filled me with angst that my child is doing something that puts them at great risk. Months later I still feel these same thoughts, however I do feel that there is no reason to continually beat myself up on this, as if I had known earlier I would have responded to my child's situation. And as far as the angst I still feel is concerned, I believe thats how a true parent should feel under the circumstances.

My parents claim something similar to what you've said (evidence suggests they're full of crap but that's another story), and while I don't doubt that you feel it, it really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth when they estensially claim they know what's better for me than I do. Very patronizing, and in the case of my parents, very false. Later on, you do mention the suicide rate being astronomically high, and I feel that's a great counter example to the "just trying to protect you" argument.

That being said, your daughter, do you think she has actually been physically more at danger now that you let her go to her own devices so to speak? Is the guilt just parental reflex or has anything backed it up?

There is also that thought of "did I do something wrong raising my child, is it something in the environment?". When I went to my first Transparent meeting I did an informal polling of the other parents who were present: they came from all walks of life, with all sorts of backgrounds and situations, and as far as I could tell there were no common denominators between us that indicated this might be an environmental situation. I think between this, as well as educating myself further on the subject matter, has convinced me that Transgenders are born that way, and it wasn't something that I (or any of the other parents I've met) are doing/ did wrong.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but why would having a transgender child be something wrong in the first place? I really can't wrap my head around that kind of logic at all; your daughter is still your child, even if she has a different name and changed her appearance and pronouns. Would you have had the same reaction if your child came out as gay?

I understand there is a huge generation between us (we are at least 20 years apart, if not more), but it's just... I can't imagine myself thinking I failed as a parent just because they have an identity that is off the norm. It's not like being trans does anyone else harm.

After thinking for a couple days about the discussion my daughter and I had, I sat down with my daughter and discussed my stance with her, which is that I cannot accept this emotionally, however I will respect and support her decision, and everytime since then that this subject matter comes up (of how I feel) I refer to the second two items (respect and support). In essence I am pushing my personal feelings aside, because after having read that approximately 42% of Transgenders attempt suicide, I am not going to burden my child with my issues as well.

Again, Really happy on hearing especially the last part.

I'd like a little clarification by what you mean by being unable to emotionally accept her, because tbh it sounds like you already are. You call her your daughter, you refer to her as a she, etc. it seems you already crossed that bridge.

From the cup is half empty perspective, as far as losing my son is concerned, there are regrets here: if my wife and I had originally had 3 daughters, then we would have contemplated trying again for a boy. Now, its too late for us to have that choice.

TBH, I think this is a huge reason why my parents won't accept me either, even if they won't ever directly mention it. I would have been the only son in my family had I not been trans (there's only two kids in my family though, so it's not as lopsided as having two daughters already). Considering how traditional my parents can be, I really do think they desperately wanted a son, and I've basicilly denied them that oppritunity.

However, I don't think you're actually losing a son. Your son is still there, and will always be there. You might not be able to call her a son anymore, but her hobbies and personality aren't going to change overnight now that she's trans. In the case of myself, my favorite movie is still the masculine, violent Inglorious Bastards, I still love my first person shooters, fighters, and real time strategies, and I'm way too interested in politics for my own good. The only difference is that I want to do them in a dress now. Boobs and vaginas don't magically make you watch only chick flicks, for example.

In this case, I really blame the media trying to enforce gender stereotypes on the masses to sell products. We still live in a very gender segregated world, where we all have the idea of what a man and a woman should be, and they do not mix. But I assure you, people are more complex than that, and your daughter isn't any different than she was previously.

From the cup is half full perspective, if someone had previously asked me what I wanted my child to be, I would've responded by saying that I wanted them to be intelligent, healthy, caring, fun-loving, with a good heart, and who isn't into drugs. And my child is all of those things. Should I have also said "and heterosexual"? It would never have occurred to me previously to append that on to the statement, and retrospectively I don't think that is fair. I should be happy I have a child who is everything I wanted them to be. And I am.

Um, just to warn you, heterosexuality has nothing to do with being trans or not. The former is sexual orientation, the latter is gender identity. The word you're looking for is "cisgender".

More on topic, I guess this kind of relays to what I said earlier on whether or not raising a kid that ends up being trans is wrong or not. i agree with everything that you said here.

As far as coming out to the family is concerned

My child began the initial conversation with me by saying, "well Dad, the good news is I'm not gay". Afterwards, when I was discussing with her about how to address this subject matter with her mother, I made it clear that this was not a good approach, as most parents aren't that nuanced between what it means to be gay (a male who identifies as male and is interested in other males) and what it means to be transgendered (in this case a male who identifies as female and is interested in males).

I'm not sure if I said it on this thread already or not, but that's kind of how I came out too

The fact that parents don't know about the various nuances is exactly why at least I did what I did in fact. In 2014, before Jenner was on the news and the most exposure people had to trans people were either Lavernne Cox or the director of the Matrix that was out at that point (now both of them are, but one is more recent), transgenderism jut wasn't the big topic in our social sphere as homosexuality was/is. Therefore, I knew especially my dad was homophobic, but I don't think they had an opinion on transgender people one way or the other. Hence it was easier to lead into the conversation by first disavowing myself from their pre existing biases towards gay people.

She also might have thought you thought she was gay. I'm pretty sure my parents thought I was due to my lack of girl chasing (it was more because I was spurred early on, then I really had no interesting looking for girls while I was male, until I finally found my boyfriend :3 However I still really only sexually like women to this day)

My approach towards breaking this news to my extended family: because of social media I've already discussed this with those online (and who are from the same generation as my daughter). They are very supportive, and I've used them to discuss who on their respective sides of the family are the best candidates to approach in regards to broaching the subject matter formally with their respective branches of the family.

All I can really say here is that I hope she knows you're doing this and is ok with it. Kind of rude to out people behind their back.

As far as future family get-togethers are concerned: sort of dependent upon how the above resolves itself, but I've already told my daughter that if I am advised we should not attend a certain family function, then we will honor that request, and we will not attend ( I purposely made it an inclusive statement with her that we are a package deal). A good example of this would be that we typically visit our relatives' camps during the summer. These are private camps, and people go there to relax and enjoy themselves, and not get involved in situations which create discord within the family. I think it is respectful to honor requests in this environment.

I think this is fair. I know I wouldn't want to be dragged into family gatherings as a man if I'm already presenting female; either take me for who I am or not at all. No one likes unessecary drama, and this should cut back on it. Very reasonable.

Other social functions: my daughter just won a scholarship at University. When I congratulated her I also discussed the presentation ceremony. Or to put it slightly differently, I am responding exactly the same way as I would have this time last year.

Other thoughts

I can't speak to the particularly old, however as a member of a Transparent support group and seeing what the families of the particularly young Transgendered are going through ("If my (10y/o) son is going to my companies Christmas party dressed as a girl, we're not going!"), then having observed enough different situations my best advice for the particularly young is that there are too many nuances present in each situation (age, location, religion, school system, etc), so therefore the best approach IMO is to get a therapist/ expert to advise the family.

Thats also fair. Things should be taken on a step by step basis. However, I will add that, medically, the earlier you start your transition, the more likely you're actually going to look decent once you have in fact transitioned. Puberty is hard to reverse, especially a male one, and it's good to counteract it as quickly as possible. For young transwomen, I think it's ethically important to get them on anti androgens as quickly as possible, just so the puberty itself can be repressed. Perhaps estrogen can wait until later, however, idk.

When to transition: for me I was angry at first that my child told me days before Christmas - how could she ruin Christmas like this! However after thinking about it I realized that this was the best approach for my family, as my child would go back to University and transitioning there, with our knowledge that this was going to occur. By transitioning at University it allowed my family some breathing space, and a chance to remotely (via social media) become accustomed to my child's new identity - i.e. this transition wasn't an everyday-in-your-face-whether-you-like-it-or-not event, but rather it allows my wife and I, when we feel comfortable, to visit her FB page to see her as she is now, and grow accustomed to it, so that when she comes home in May we will already be accustomed to her new persona.

Just think about it this way; you accepting her was probably the best Christmas gift she has ever gotten in her life, and means more to her than anything you could have bought her.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

When I went to my first Transparent meeting...

Having never heard this term before, is "transparent" standard terminology? Does that not cause confusion with, you know, the word transparent?

... it really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth when they estensially claim they know what's better for me than I do.

Doesn't this just sum up a lot of parents in general?

 

[LucyDuke]

Sounds like an organization.

 

[Darsnan]

Does her insurance work out there? I know later on you say she wanted to transition in peace by herself, which is the exact reason I wanted to go to Brockport rather than something closer to Albany. However, to my shock, my insurance didn't want to cover anything out here, which made me give up transisitioning for a while. I'm just a little concerned if she is able to afford the co pay and, if not, if you'd help her out (spoilers: my parents do not).

We haven't had to address this yet. Last summer (i.e. before my daughter came out to the family) she was put into contact with a therapist by the local Q Center, and this therapist stated that for payment just give the copay, which she could (discretely) afford. As far as the hormone replacement, etc., my daughter isn't jumping into the deep end on this, but rather wading in from the shallow end so to speak: she's dressing as a woman and wearing makeup now. Next steps (presumably this summer) we will address the hormone treatment, and go from there. I don't expect there to be an issue from my company's insurance, however if there is, the Transparent group has all the legal paperwork already at hand for me to throw at my company to ensure they comply with NY state law.

My parents claim something similar to what you've said (evidence suggests they're full of crap but that's another story), and while I don't doubt that you feel it, it really leaves a bitter taste in my mouth when they estensially claim they know what's better for me than I do. Very patronizing, and in the case of my parents, very false. Later on, you do mention the suicide rate being astronomically high, and I feel that's a great counter example to the "just trying to protect you" argument.

And my reply is that this section is titled "Initial reaction". I am being very honest in my response of the thought process on this.

That being said, your daughter, do you think she has actually been physically more at danger now that you let her go to her own devices so to speak? Is the guilt just parental reflex or has anything backed it up?

As a parent you never stop worrying about your child, and that includes the guilt aspects. (i.e. what could I have done better?) As far as the physically in danger aspect, a professor on campus who belongs to the LGBT community was threatened last fall by an undetermined source - its real.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but why would having a transgender child be something wrong in the first place? I really can't wrap my head around that kind of logic at all; your daughter is still your child, even if she has a different name and changed her appearance and pronouns. Would you have had the same reaction if your child came out as gay? I understand there is a huge generation between us (we are at least 20 years apart, if not more), but it's just... I can't imagine myself thinking I failed as a parent just because they have an identity that is off the norm. It's not like being trans does anyone else harm.

Again, I'm being very honest in the initial thought process that I went through. To segue a bit in regards to your poignant observation about the generation gap, I will relate the tale of my niece, who is biracial. Back in the early '90s my wife and I brought our 2y/o niece to visit her maternal great-grandfather, and his response was "I don't want that N ----- in my house!". When we went to visit my parents, my father (two generations removed) asked "Is her father a darkie?". And last summer I (one generation removed) walked that same young woman down the aisle to give her away in marriage. There are generation gaps, and getting back on-topic, I think my reaction to this situation is relatively mild compared to a lot of parents from my generation (how many Transgenders are kicked out of their homes, verbally abused, mentally abused ("we're going to pray the gay away!"), or worse)?

I'd like a little clarification by what you mean by being unable to emotionally accept her, because tbh it sounds like you already are. You call her your daughter, you refer to her as a she, etc. it seems you already crossed that bridge.

I'd made a couple of comments earlier, one) that to me parenting is very primal, very instinctual - to a large extent I am hardwired this way, to react this way, and I have no choice in the matter, and two) I stated that I will respect and support, and that is exactly what I am doing here.

Um, just to warn you, heterosexuality has nothing to do with being trans or not. The former is sexual orientation, the latter is gender identity. The word you're looking for is "cisgender".

When was that word introduced into the English language (and note that this site's autocorrect is saying its not a word - you should jump right on them about this! )? I think your feedback simply highlights my generations lack of understanding / education on the subject.

Having never heard this term before, is "transparent" standard terminology? Does that not cause confusion with, you know, the word transparent?

Its the actual name of the FB page for the group, and I'm assuming for the group as a whole (I've never actually asked that question). I don't know if its "standard terminology" or not.

HTH,

D

 

[Omega124]

Doesn't this just sum up a lot of parents in general?

Yes it does. Still can complain however.

We haven't had to address this yet. Last summer (i.e. before my daughter came out to the family) she was put into contact with a therapist by the local Q Center, and this therapist stated that for payment just give the copay, which she could (discretely) afford. As far as the hormone replacement, etc., my daughter isn't jumping into the deep end on this, but rather wading in from the shallow end so to speak: she's dressing as a woman and wearing makeup now. Next steps (presumably this summer) we will address the hormone treatment, and go from there. I don't expect there to be an issue from my company's insurance, however if there is, the Transparent group has all the legal paperwork already at hand for me to throw at my company to ensure they comply with NY state law.

So you live in NY? D:

Where exactly are you? General location is fine; NYC, capital district, WNY, etc. Just kind of curious.

For me, I wanted to jump into HRT at the start since I worry I won't pass otherwise. Of course, I can afford it so I guess I'll have to do what your daughter is doing for now, which makes me really sad about myself and I'm not happy but that's life I guess. :/

And my reply is that this section is titled "Initial reaction". I am being very honest in my response of the thought process on this.

I understand you changed, but I'm still curious what your thought process was at the time. I'm really asking because I want to be able to possibly empthaize with my parents more, maybe? I just really don't understand how you /could/ be against it, I guess is what I'm saying. Sorry if I came on too harshly.

As a parent you never stop worrying about your child, and that includes the guilt aspects. (i.e. what could I have done better?) As far as the physically in danger aspect, a professor on campus who belongs to the LGBT community was threatened last fall by an undetermined source - its real.

Damn. I could never imagine that happening here at Brockport. Hopefully your daughter won't be subjected to that?

Again, I'm being very honest in the initial thought process that I went through. To segue a bit in regards to your poignant observation about the generation gap, I will relate the tale of my niece, who is biracial. Back in the early '90s my wife and I brought our 2y/o niece to visit her maternal great-grandfather, and his response was "I don't want that N ----- in my house!". When we went to visit my parents, my father (two generations removed) asked "Is her father a darkie?". And last summer I (one generation removed) walked that same young woman down the aisle to give her away in marriage. There are generation gaps, and getting back on-topic, I think my reaction to this situation is relatively mild compared to a lot of parents from my generation (how many Transgenders are kicked out of their homes, verbally abused, mentally abused ("we're going to pray the gay away!"), or worse)?

/raises hand

Don't need to remind me...

I'd made a couple of comments earlier, one) that to me parenting is very primal, very instinctual - to a large extent I am hardwired this way, to react this way, and I have no choice in the matter, and two) I stated that I will respect and support, and that is exactly what I am doing here.

I guess? I was trying to actually compliment you...

When was that word introduced into the English language (and note that this site's autocorrect is saying its not a word - you should jump right on them about this! )? I think your feedback simply highlights my generations lack of understanding / education on the subject

Seems like the awnser is 1991

Btw, while we're on the topic, transgender is not a verb. Calling people "transgendered" can be considered rude by some people, as it implies it is something we actively choose to be rather than an intristic part of us. Hell, I've even heard some people taking exception of people using it as a noun (saying transgender people vs transgenders, with the former being preferred) but that might be more splitting hairs. Personally I think it just sounds grammatically better when it's in an adjectival form but

 

[Defacto]

There's an age limit to all the procedures?

 

[Omega124]

There's an age limit to all the procedures?

That highly depends on the practicioner. Some will do it early, some won't.

 

[Borachio]

To people transitioning: How do you feel about the ageing process and how it will affect your looks?

 

[Arakhor]

I am very much cis, but I did read that trans-men frequently look younger than other men of the same age, because people with XX chromosomes tend to have faces that are less "craggy" than those with XY chromosomes.

 

[Cheetah]

My approach towards breaking this news to my extended family: because of social media I've already discussed this with those online (and who are from the same generation as my daughter). They are very supportive, and I've used them to discuss who on their respective sides of the family are the best candidates to approach in regards to broaching the subject matter formally with their respective branches of the family.

Hi Darsnan! Thanks for your post. It's the first account I've read from a transparent's perspective.

I have a question about this part though. contre and Omega can probably answer about the topic as well, but: It was your job to communicate the news to your family? Was that a coordinated decision? Did both your daughter and you think it was easier that way? Was it too hard/easier on her if you did it, or did you think it was strategically smarter if you talked with them first? contre's wife talked about it to her parents without contre there, which was a strategic decision. Is this a very common way to do it? Or do other transgendered decide to do it all by themselves?

When to transition: for me I was angry at first that my child told me days before Christmas - how could she ruin Christmas like this!

Heh. It's diverging a bit from the topic, but this part reminded me of how I decided to finally tell my parents that I wasn't a Christian: The evening before Christmas Eve, while home from university. In retrospect it was a terrible timing, but every time my mother would talk about praying for me or "sending me angels", I felt I was lying to them, and I really hated doing that... There were lots of feelings and tears that Christmas, but it got better.

Interestingly enough, my parents also questioned themselves whether or not they had done something wrong! Had they acted or said anything wrong? Had I had any bad experiences with the church? For me it was just about the religion itself though: I just didn't believe, and think I have pretty good reasons not to.

Which brings me to:

Please don't take this the wrong way, but why would having a transgender child be something wrong in the first place? I really can't wrap my head around that kind of logic at all; your daughter is still your child, even if she has a different name and changed her appearance and pronouns. Would you have had the same reaction if your child came out as gay?

I understand there is a huge generation between us (we are at least 20 years apart, if not more), but it's just... I can't imagine myself thinking I failed as a parent just because they have an identity that is off the norm. It's not like being trans does anyone else harm.

I'm not sure if you should necessarily read any specific moral judgment into the "Did I do anything wrong?" question. I think it's more a parent's reaction to learning that all the fundamental assumptions they thought they could make about their child might not be correct.

Whether it is being transgendered, or homosexual, or not sharing the parents' religion or even football team allegiance, it's a totally unexpected development which the parents just had never considered by then.

Sure, you can say that that being transgendered doesn't do anyone else any harm, but while that is true, I don't think that has anything to do with the reaction itself. And, since it isn't really a problem, most parents should be able to accept it after having processed it, I imagine.

Anyway, that is my interpretation of that question and reaction which parents often seem to have. Does that seem somewhat more logical to you?

@Darsnan: Sorry if it seems I'm putting words in your mouth here. It's just how I have come to think of these reactions.

Btw, while we're on the topic, transgender is not a verb. Calling people "transgendered" can be considered rude by some people, as it implies it is something we actively choose to be rather than an intristic part of us. Hell, I've even heard some people taking exception of people using it as a noun (saying transgender people vs transgenders, with the former being preferred) but that might be more splitting hairs. Personally I think it just sounds grammatically better when it's in an adjectival form but

Isn't transgender also an adjective? So calling you transgendered is describing an intrinsic part of you? Or?

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

Hi, CFC. It's been a while.

I'm currently in the process of transitioning from male to female. I'm currently on Hormone Replacement Therapy(HRT) and on provincial waiting list for sex reassignment surgery(SRS). I imagine most of you do not know anyone like me and you might have always wondered something about people like me. I am getting ready to tell my extended family (aunts/uncles, cousins, grandparents) and I wanted to practice taking questions for when they undoubtedly have many. I would be grateful to try and answer anyone's curiosity. ^.^

Spoiler pictures :

These are from November 2015

You are welcome to ask as many follow up questions as you would like. However, this thread is not a place for debate. If you're here to argue instead of listen, please do not post.

All questions will be answered as if gender dysphoria is a real thing, because it is.

I will answer questions to the best of my ability and I will try and make clear what is my opinion and what is well-supported by research.

Do not worry about asking an awkward or rude question. I do not expect everyone to know boundaries and etiquette. With the exception of blatant trolling, I will assume all questions are asked innocently.

Hi Contre! If you don't mind I'd like to offer my voice to this thread too. I came out as Genderfluid a couple months ago, and I have a slightly different perspective to offer questioners (since this is basically become an "Ask A Trans" thread).

 

[emzie]

Doesn't this just sum up a lot of parents in general?

It does. Most parents aren't qualified to know WTH they're talking about, however. Gender dysphoria is nothing to dismiss. Darsnan cited the statistics. Without a support network, we end up either dead, or dying, from drugs, alcohol and other selfharm. I am very sympathetic to how frightening it is for a parent to face this, but too often parents react with denial. Which, given how long I -- and most people like me that I know -- denied it to myself, is understandable. But that doesn't make it less dangerous. Only therapy and support accomplish that.

There's an age limit to all the procedures?

In practice, yes. HRT is not something most doctors will risk if you're already in poor health. Which sucks for a lot of older folks who survived the last 40 years of their lives depending on substance abuse of some form, who have seen a society open up to accept people like them, only to be unable to access healthcare because of the damage they did trying to avoid the pain of dysphoria.

To people transitioning: How do you feel about the ageing process and how it will affect your looks?

I haven't given it much thought. Can't do much about time passing and I have too much pride to ever let my vanity win. Or so I think at 30. Ask me again in 20 years. I may feel differently.

Hi Darsnan! Thanks for your post. It's the first account I've read from a transparent's perspective.

I have a question about this part though. contre and Omega can probably answer about the topic as well, but: It was your job to communicate the news to your family? Was that a coordinated decision? Did both your daughter and you think it was easier that way? Was it too hard/easier on her if you did it, or did you think it was strategically smarter if you talked with them first? contre's wife talked about it to her parents without contre there, which was a strategic decision. Is this a very common way to do it? Or do other transgendered decide to do it all by themselves?

It's a very personal thing and there's no right way to do it. There is, of course, many wrong ways to.

I sought out a lot of opinions from people who had been there before. I listened to what they did and evaluated my family. One piece of advice I got was that I needed an advocate. I chose my aunt, who I told before my mother, actually. She had to come out to the family prior to this and she had a lot of very useful insights. She also takes questions from people who know, since it's unfair to expect me to guide a hundred people through my transition.

Hi Contre! If you don't mind I'd like to offer my voice to this thread too. I came out as Genderfluid a couple months ago, and I have a slightly different perspective to offer questioners (since this is basically become an "Ask A Trans" thread).

Ya. Of course. Sending you a PM ^.^

 

[caketastydelish]

I hope this question doesn't come as offensive:

Commodore mentioned in this thread that he dated a trans woman before and it was exactly the same as dating a biological woman. I'll be honest enough to admit that I thought transwomen were different, but I had nothing to base that off of (I'd never knew any transwomen). With this being said I'd have to say I'm open and comfortable with dating them, now that I see that I was wrong.

You said yourself that you identify as a lesbian. Yet you also said when some creepy old man 'cat called' you a part of you felt like "hell yeah"! (or something like that. I'm paraphrasing here).

Do most transgender women want to date trangendermen, cis men, does it make a difference. Or are most of them identifying as lesbians, like you are?

As someone who knows virtually nothing whatsoever about the trans community, I'd like to know more.

edit: Cheezy also mentioned being 'genderfluid' and I've literally never heard that term before so I had to look it up. It seems to mean someone that is a combination of both male and female. Not in terms of their actual genders, but their mindset. I would say I lean towards feeling male but I have effemininte parts to my personality. I'd say I find about 10% of guys attractive... although I'm much more likely to find a woman attractive. To this extent, I would say 'genderfluid" is actually very normal and typical, even if we are socially taught not to be that way.

 

[cardgame]

I find 'genderfluid' to be a very fluid word. What does it mean to you, Cheezy?

 

[emzie]

I hope this question doesn't come as offensive:

Commodore mentioned in this thread that he dated a trans woman before and it was exactly the same as dating a biological woman. I'll be honest enough to admit that I thought transwomen were different, but I had nothing to base that off of (I'd never knew any transwomen). With this being said I'd have to say I'm open and comfortable with dating them.

Well. Complicated. I'll try and answer this as real as I can.

Many transwomen can't afford SRS. It's a 20k procedure, minimum, that's covered by few insurance plans. So, many transwomen still have penises. And I think it's disingenuous to pretend that doesn't matter at all. It shouldn't matter in basically every interaction, except intimate. If I were into men, I would understand why one would be uncomfortable with that. It would hurt like hell and make me feel like hell, but I'd understand where it came from. After all, I'm not a fan of my genitals either and they were kinda a deal breaker for me.

>.<

You said yourself that you identify as a lesbian. Yet you also said when some creepy old man 'cat called' you a part of you felt like "hell yeah"! (or something like that. I'm paraphrasing here).

That is more a reflection of my vanity than anything else. I'm certainly not interested in sleeping with any men, but if one finds me attractive that's still flattering. That's a rather juvenile response, but for me, being cat called is new, whereas for most ciswomen my age, it's something they got sick of when they were 15.

Do most transgender women want to date trangendermen, cis men, does it make a difference. Or are most of them identifying as lesbians, like you are?

Non-scientific guess based on my interactions and having similar conversations on places like Reddit: 1/3 lesbians (women only), 1/3 straight (men only), 1/3 something in between.

edit: Cheezy also mentioned being 'genderfluid' and I've literally never heard that term before so I had to look it up. It seems to mean someone that is a combination of both male and female. Not in terms of their actual genders, but their mindset. I would say I lean towards feeling male but I have effemininte parts to my personality. I'd say I find about 10% of guys attractive... although I'm much more likely to find a woman attractive. To this extent, I would say 'genderfluid" is actually very normal and typical, even if we are socially taught not to be that way.

Cheezy gets to answer that.

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

Well. Complicated. I'll try and answer this as real as I can.

Many transwomen can't afford SRS. It's a 20k procedure, minimum, that's covered by few insurance plans. So, many transwomen still have penises. And I think it's disingenuous to pretend that doesn't matter at all. It shouldn't matter in basically every interaction, except intimate. If I were into men, I would understand why one would be uncomfortable with that. It would hurt like hell and make me feel like hell, but I'd understand where it came from. After all, I'm not a fan of my genitals either and they were kinda a deal breaker for me.

It's also worth mentioning that not every trans woman wants to be rid of her penis. The problem is that, for reasons you describe, the choice is effectively made for them by a society uninterested in providing transgender people with equal medical care.

I'd say I find about 10% of guys attractive... although I'm much more likely to find a woman attractive.

Gender identity is different from sexuality. There is nothing inherently effeminate about being attracted to men, nor inherently masculine about being attracted to women. Nor inherently middling about being attracted to a third gender. There are a great many cisgender gay, lesbian, and bisexual people.

I find 'genderfluid' to be a very fluid word. What does it mean to you, Cheezy?

Above Cake suggested that genderfluid is like being both male and female. I would say that it is neither. Genderfluid is its own thing. Different genderfluid people experience gender fluidity differently, though. The uniting experience for all genderfluid people, though, is that over time, our gender changes back and forth on a spectrum between masculine and feminine. For example, I might wake up one morning feeling very feminine and desire to present femininely. I feel much more like a woman than a man. This does not make me a woman, however, it just means I feel more femininely. I might change later that day, or the next day, toward a more masculine feeling. Or maybe it's in between, kind of neutrally not-one-gender-or-the-other. Or maybe it's kind of a 60/40 feeling. Some people have a couple basically set gender feelings they rotate through at one time or another. We really have no control over how we are feeling at a given moment (if I wake up feeling feminine, I can't just "change my mind" to feel masculine. I might decide to present masculinely, but that doesn't change what's going on in my brain). However, socialization has a huge effect on me, especially in the feminine direction. If I'm hanging around a bunch of girls or feminine people, it will quickly push me in the feminine direction.

Gender is an extremely complex issue, and to be honest it's really silly that Western civilization has tried to simplify it into two, mutually exclusive labels.

 

[Cheezy the Wiz]

Not me, but for purposes of illustration, both of these people are genderfluid, and our gender expression can vary quite significantly from day to day. Accordingly, many op for an androgynous look which can be manipulated toward how we are feeling.