Imperium Podcastium Redux

[Double A]

James told me to do another podcast the other week so I probably would.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I'll send a recording of myself talking. Just PM me something to say and I'll send it.

Writing up demo scripts for MartinLuther (and worrying I'll hit the PM character limit), maybe instead I should post them all here and you can tap me for your audition reels as you see fit.

 

[CivOasis]

I don't have time to speak, but if people *do* want to reboot this, I'm probably fine to write up topics lists and guidelines to keep it from getting out of hand in terms of length/disarray.

 

[dragonprobably]

maybe instead I should post them all here

Please do.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Here are some highlight scenes covering the main roles, boiled own just to the dialogue. I haven't done character profiles since if you're interested in this I presume you've read the story, but if you need context you can consult the manuscript. Unfortunately I don't think I have enough space to cover the pilots, but I strongly suspect most of you would want to voice yourselves anyway.

Alternatively, you can just pick a spot from the text and do the whole thing.

Spoiler Introductory narrative :

Title Narrator​

Laugh Wars, episode the square velocity of Your Mom: A New Dope. It is a period of literary war. Crappy fanfics, striking from the fetid bowels of the Internet, have dealt a crippling blow to readership sensibilities. As legions of twelve-year-olds smothered message boards with Mary Sue self-inserts, Allied spies managed to steal secret plans to the enemy's ace-in-the-hole, the Doom Sphere, an overpowered space station with enough concentrated fail to wipe out an entire website. Pursued by the "Emporer"'s n00b cosplayers, Princess Kaiser races home aboard her space shuttle, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore quality to the Internet.​

Spoiler Kaiser and Lackarse :

KAISER​

Darth Lackarse. Only you could be so bold.​

LACKARSE​

Yep.​

KAISER​

The Fanfiction Moderators will not sit still for this. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic . . .​

LACKARSE​

Don't act so surprised, your highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Allied spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you.​

KAISER​

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a member of the Fanfiction Moderators on a diplomatic mission to the Doctor Whoniverse.​

LACKARSE​

You are part of the Rebel Alliance, and a traitor. Take her away!​

Spoiler Farnsworth and Jenkins :

Note that Jenkins's lines are to be improvised with a slide whistle.

FARNSWORTH​

How did we get into this mess? I really don't know. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.​

JENKINS

Short chirp.

FARNSWORTH​

I've got to rest before I collapse. I didn't get any sleep on the flight! What a desolate place this is. I say, look at those clouds. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I saw any cover from space.​

JENKINS

Short trill.

FARNSWORTH​

Where do you think you're going?​

JENKINS

Chirrup.

FARNSWORTH​

Well I'm not going that way. It's much too rocky. This way is much easier.​

JENKINS

Whistle.

FARNSWORTH​

What makes you think there are settlements over there?​

JENKINS

Whistle.

FARNSWORTH​

Alright then, if you're so confident, how about a gentlemanly wager?​

JENKINS

Trill.

FARNSWORTH​

Deal.​

Spoiler Britshopping :

BERYL​

Chris? Chris! Chris? Tell Uncle if he gets an envoy, be sure he speaks Russian.​

CHRIS​

ok.​

ONSLOW​

Yeah, I'll take that red one. No, not that one. You! I suppose you're trained in etiquette and protocol?​

FARNSWORTH​

Protocol? Why, it's my primary schooling, sir! I am versed in all the customs . . .​

ONSLOW​

I have no need for a protocol dandy.​

FARNSWORTH​

Of course you haven't, sir. Not in an environment such as this. That's why I have been educated . . .​

ONSLOW​

What I really need is a diplomat who understands the nuanced language of East European politics.​

FARNSWORTH​

Eastern Europe? Sir, my first work abroad was part of a cultural delegation to Poland! So close to Eastern Europe it might as well be part of it.​

ONSLOW​

Can you speak Russian?​

FARNSWORTH​

Of course I can, sir! It's like a second language to me. I'm assuming . . .​

ONSLOW​

Alright, shaddup. I'll take this one.​

FARNSWORTH​

Shutting up, sir.​

ONSLOW​

Chris! Take these two over to the garage, will you? I want them cleaned up before dinner.​

CHRIS​

But i was going to check for updates on multipolarity!!​

ONSLOW​

You can waste time with your Internet friends when your chores are done. Now c'mon, get to it.​

CHRIS​

Alright, come on. And the red one, come on. Well come on red let's go!!!​

RED​

This is so utterly demeaning! I didn't blow sixty grand at Oxford to be treated like some redneck's hired help! It's a disgrace to my position, it is!​

CHRIS​

Uncle onslow!​

ONSLOW​

Yeah?​

CHRIS​

This gentelman has a bad motivator!! look!!​

ONSLOW​

Hey, what're you trying to push on us?​

FARNSWORTH​

Excuse me, sir, but that gentleman is in prime condition. A real bargain!​

CHRIS​

Unce onslow! what about that one?​

ONSLOW​

What about that blue one? We'll take that one.​

FARNSWORTH​

I'm quite sure you'll be very pleased with him, sir. He really is in first-class condition. I've worked with him before. Here he comes.​

JENKINS

Friendly chirrup.

CHRIS​

Ok lets go.​

FARNSWORTH​

I suppose, that our wager ended in a draw.​

Spoiler Imperial officers :

Note that George's lines rely heavily on exaggerated inflection; consult the original story for pointers.

DRUNK​

Untiw thish bat'l'shtashion is fuw'y opewashonal, we ah' vu'ruble. Th'Alliansch ish too wew equipp'd; they're mow dangeroush tha' you rea'wishe.​

JIMMY​

Dangerous to your starfleet, commander, not to this battlestation!​

DRUNK​

Th'Alliansch wiw continue to gain shuppowt wi' th' Fanficshun Mod'ratowsch . . .​

GEORGE​

The Fanfiction Moderators will no longer be of any concern to us. I have just received word that the E-E-Emporer has dissolved the council. PEHmanently. Ze lahst r-r-r-emnants of ze Auld Rhepublik haff been svept avaw!​

DRUNK​

That'sh imposhibaw! 'Ow wiw th' Emprah maintain controw wiffowt th' adminsh?​

GEORGE​

Ze Emporer h-has assuméd direct control of a-a-a-a-l-l-l-l site functions. Fear will keep the local forums een ligne. Fear of this battlestation!​

DRUNK​

An' wot o' the' Reshishtansch? If th' Alliesh 'ave obtained a compwete technicaw weadowt o' thish shtashun, i' ish poshibaw, 'oweveh unloikley, th' they moight find a weaknesch, an' exshploi' it.​

LACKARSE​

The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.​

JIMMY​

Any attack made by the Alliance against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obained! This station is now the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!​

LACKARSE​

Don't be too confident in this epitomic fail-cannon you've constructed. The ability to obliterate a website is insignificant next to the power of the Farce.​

JIMMY​

Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Lackarse! Your sad devotion to that ancient emotion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, nor given you clairvoyance enough to find the Alliance's hidden fort . . .​

LACKARSE​

I find your lack of lulz disturbing.​

GEORGE​

Enough. Lackarse, release him.​

LACKARSE​

Too late.​

GEORGE​

Actually, that was hilarious. Do it again. Now Lord Lackarse will pr-r-rovide us with the location of the R-R-Resistance fortressss by the time this station is operational. We will then crush the Alliance with one! Swift! Stroke!​

Spoiler Splitting the party :

CHIRS​

You know between his howling and your blasting everything in sight its a wonder the whole station doesn't know we're here!!!​

ARKADY​

Bigot.​

FEGELEIN​

Bring 'em on! I'd prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around.​

JENKINS

Whistle.

FARNSWORTH​

We found the computer outlet, sir.​

ALEC GUINNESS​

Plug in. He should be able to interpret the entire Imperial network.​

FARNSWORTH​

He says he's found the main controls to the power beam that's holding the ship here. He'll try to make the precise location appear on the monitor. The tractor beam is coupled to the main reactor in several locations. A power loss at one of the terminals will allow the ship to leave.​

ALEC GUINNESS​

I don't think you boys can help me now. I must go alone.​

FEGELEIN​

Whatever you say.​

CHRIS​

I want to go with you!!!​

ALEC GUINNESS​

Be patient, Chris. Stay and watch over the gentlemen.​

CHRIS​

But he can . . .​

ALEC GUINNESS​

They must be delivered safely, or other fansites will suffer the same fate as Doctor Who. Your destiny lies along a different path than mine. The Farce will be with you. Always.​

ARKADY​

You're never too old for suicide, I guess.​

FEGELEIN​

You said it, Arkady. Where did you dig up that old fossil?​

CHRIS​

Ali-G is a great man!!​

FEGELEIN​

Yeah, great at getting us into trouble.​

CHRIS​

i didnt hear you give any ideas!!!!!​

FEGELEIN​

Well anything would be better than just hanging around waiting for him to pick us up.​

CHRIS​

Who do you think . . .​

JENKINS

Fluorish.

CHRIS​

What is it?????​

FARNSWORTH​

I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir. He says 'I've found her!' and keeps repeating 'She's here!'.​

CHRIS​

well who??? who has she found????​

FARNSWORTH​

Princess Kaiser.​

CHRIS​

The princess!!!! shes here?!?!?!?!?​

FEGELEIN​

Princess?​

CHRIS​

where???? where is she?!?!?!?!?!​

FEGELEIN​

Princess? What's going on?​

JENKINS

Short melody.

FARNSWORTH​

Level 5, Detention Block AA-23.​

JENKINS

Cascade.

FARNSWORTH​

I'm afraid she's scheduled to be terminated.​

CHRIS​

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Weve got to do something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!​

FEGELEIN​

What are you talking about?!​

CHRIS​

The gentelmen belong to her shes the one in the message we got to help her!!!!!!!!!​

FEGELEIN​

Now look, don't get any funny ideas! The old man wants us to wait right here.​

CHRIS​

But he didn't know she was here!!! Look, will you just find a way back into the detention block????​

FEGELEIN​

I'm not going anywhere.​

CHRIS​

Their going to execute her!!!!! Look, a few minutes ago you said you didn't want to just wait here to be captured now all you want to do is stay?!?!​

FEGELEIN​

Marching into the detention area is not what I had in mind.​

CHRIS​

But their going to kill her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!​

FEGELEIN​

Better her than me.​

CHRIS​

She's rich.​

ARKADY​

(Russian) O moy bog.​

FEGELEIN​

Rich?​

CHRIS​

Rich.... powerful..... listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be.........​

FEGELEIN​

What?​

CHRIS​

Well more wealth than you can imagine!!!!​

FEGELEIN​

I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit.​

CHRIS​

You'll get it!!​

FEGELEIN​

I'd better.​

CHRIS​

You will!!!!!​

FEGELEIN​

Alright kid. But you'd better be right about this.​

CHRIS​

OK . . .​

FEGELEIN​

What's your plan?​

CHRIS​

Uhhh . . . Farnsworth, hand me those binders there will you? OK... now... I'm going to put these on you.​

ARKADY​

Back the hell up, perv! I'm not here to play your furry BDSM fantasies!​

CHRIS​

OK... you... you put these on.​

FEGELEIN​

Don't worry, Arkady, I think I know what he has in mind.​

FARNSWORTH​

Master Christos, sir, pardon me for asking, but, what should Jenkins and I do if we're discovered here?​

CHRIS​

Lock the door!​

FEGELEIN​

And hope they don't have blasters.​

ARKADY​

Good luck.​

FARNSWORTH​

That isn't very reassuring.​

JENKINS

Sarcastic whistle.​

Spoiler Escape from the Hentai Pool :

FEGELEIN​

If we just avoid any more female advice, we ought to be able to get out of here.​

CHRIS​

Well lets get moving!!​

ARKADY​

God damn it!​

FEGELEIN​

Where are you going?​

KAISER​

No wait! They'll hear!​

FEGELEIN​

C'mere, you big coward! And you call yourself a soldier!​

KAISER​

Listen: I don't know who you are, or where you came from. But from now on, you do as I tell you. 'Kay?​

FEGELEIN​

You must not know how this works. I take orders from only one person: the Master of Antics. Otherwise known as me.​

KAISER​

It's a wonder you're still alive. Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?​

ARKADY​

Charming woman, isn't she?​

Spoiler Briefing :

STAVROS​

Thank God, you're safe! When we heard about Doctor Who, we feared the worst . . .​

KAISER​

There will be a time and a place for our sorrows, General. You must use the information guarded by this gentleman to help plan the attack. It's our only hope.​

STAVROS​

General Nikos Stavros. Second-in-command of this determined band of freedom-fighters.​

FEGELEIN​

Hermann Fegelein. The pilot that pulled your princess out of that imperial prison.​

STAVROS​

Were you followed?​

FEGELEIN​

They bugged the ship, but I took care of it before we left.​

CHRIS​

o that reminds me! I saw it lying by the ramp, you must have forgotten it. I didnt have time to pick it up so i kicked it back on board, but I checked and it doesnt seem broken. Don't everyone thank me at once!​

STAVROS​

Ready all pilots for combat.​

NARRATOR​

Just about the entire fighter corps of the base was packed into a small conference room. Standing in front of a wall-sized display screen were Princess Kaiser, Stavros, and the Resistance commander, General Gunter von Esling, as well as a couple of other Allied moderators and a handful of guards. Chris sat among the pilots, at the end of one of the rows next to a young and dashing man named Omega124, who was such a great pilot that he'd probably get a whole series of books written about his adventures. Farnsworth and Jenkins stood a little behind. The taller man noted that there were quite a few short gentlemen standing about the periphery, dressed in what looked like Soviet tank crew uniforms. Fegelein and Arkady were at the very back, watching over the proceedings.​

VON ESLING​

The battle station is heavily shielded, and carries a firepower greater than half the starfleet. Its defences are designed around a direct, large-scale assault. Strange as it may sound, a small one-man fighter should be able to penetrate the outer defence.​

PILOT​

Pardon me for asking, sir, but what good are stunt fighters going to be against that?​

VON ESLING​

Well, given that the Empire has been phasing out air tactics from its rulesets, it doesn't consider a small one-man fighter to be any threat. Hence the lack of a tighter defence. An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Kaiser has identified a weakness in the battle station. Due to... what can only be the result of egregiously poor planning, a small thermal exhaust port in the northern hemisphere of the starboard side leads straight to the station's main reactor. The proper ordnance delivered down the shaft will critically overload the reactor and destroy the station. But, the approach will not be easy. You must manoeuvre straight down this trench, and skim the surface to this point. The target area is only two metres wide.​

OMEGA​

It's a trap. Designed by the Emporer himself precisely to trick us into a suicide run.​

CHRIS​

Its not impossible, i became the supowerpoer in multipolarity and then kicked democratic china's ass even though everyone hated me!​

OMEGA​

Yeah, I heard about that game. Didn't the GM hold your hand through the whole thing?​

VON ESLING​

. . .Then man your ships, and may the Farce be with you.​

 

[Sonereal]

This stuff should really be posted in Argentina.

 

[Ailedhoo]

Negative: they should be posted in BTL.

 

[Sonereal]

I reported you to the mods, kiddo. Prepare for the storm, maggot. The kind that wipes away that thing you call an "user account".

 

[Ailedhoo]

Yes... this is starting to sound like a chat in the Love Shack.

Back to topic I look forward to heed Thor's results.

 

[JohannaK]

I say we make a story podcast. Could be fun.