Random Rants 61

[Commodore]

Almost 2 years of online dating attempts, countless messages sent, and not a single date. Deleted my OkC and POF accounts today and just gotta do Tinder next. I'm too ugly and dull rip.

I got 3 girls' numbers total and all flaked out when I asked to hang out double rip.

My friend got 100 Tinder likes in 1 month and I got like 8 in 2 years and I swipe yes on everyone no questions asked triple rip.

Dunno why I bothered.

Well, are you being selective in the women you are messaging? If so, that might be your problem. When I was doing online dating, I took the shotgun blast approach. It worked pretty well for me.

And if you think the problem is that you are too dull, well then it's up to you to make yourself more exciting. I know a lot of people like to say "be yourself" when trying to date, but that is just about the worst advice out there in my opinion. You have to become what the people you are trying to attract find attractive.

One final thing: Ok Cupid, Plenty of Fish, and Tinder are horrible for those looking for actual relationships (which I assume you are). Those are more for people who want a quick hookup. Try to find a site where the main focus is serious realtionships.

 

[GoodEnoughForMe]

I messaged about 60 women when all was said and done, maybe a bit more. I tried varying my messages all the time and playing around with length, prose, attitude, etc., but no dice.

 

[Hygro]

hm, sounds frustrating. What have you done to make yourself more attractive during this process?

 

[Takhisis]

Rant: where's the new Music thread?

 

[GoodEnoughForMe]

hm, sounds frustrating. What have you done to make yourself more attractive during this process?

I lost weight (down from 180 to 160). I travelled some. But I don't really have any friends to talk about and I think that hurts me. And I'm really ugly in ways that can't be fixed.

 

[madviking]

 

[useless]

I lost weight (down from 180 to 160). I travelled some. But I don't really have any friends to talk about and I think that hurts me. And I'm really ugly in ways that can't be fixed.

Stop being so harsh on yourself, how can you expect someone to love or like you when you can't even love and like yourself?

I tried to read your twitter and it's... it's just depressing. You need to talk to someone about that.

You need to be realistic, try going to a club or group that is involved in some of your interests/hobbies, that's how you meet people.

 

[sophie]

Well, are you being selective in the women you are messaging? If so, that might be your problem. When I was doing online dating, I took the shotgun blast approach. It worked pretty well for me.

And if you think the problem is that you are too dull, well then it's up to you to make yourself more exciting. I know a lot of people like to say "be yourself" when trying to date, but that is just about the worst advice out there in my opinion. You have to become what the people you are trying to attract find attractive.

One final thing: Ok Cupid, Plenty of Fish, and Tinder are horrible for those looking for actual relationships (which I assume you are). Those are more for people who want a quick hookup. Try to find a site where the main focus is serious realtionships.

Definitely not matching my experiences using tinder. I think I've met all of one girl on there looking for casual hookups/not a relationship.

I lost weight (down from 180 to 160). I travelled some. But I don't really have any friends to talk about and I think that hurts me. And I'm really ugly in ways that can't be fixed.

You're not a bad looking dude. Do you have good pictures of yourself for your profile? In fun, diverse, and interesting locations? How's your bio? Bio's don't really make someone say "yes" but they can absolutely be a deal breaker if they're long/generic/boring. How's your icebreaker game? How's your flirting?

The other thing, as others have noted, is that people can pick up when someone feels down on themselves. The yips are a real thing that do exist. If you aren't liking the results you're getting then maybe you should take a break from trying a bit and work on yourself. Pick up a hobby, join a club or two. Find other stuff to do, and when you have, come back and see if you might have some more success.

Relevant:
http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/06/5-rules-to-make-dating-easier/

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/06/building-attraction-which-matters-more-looks-personality/

http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/04/5-times-when-you-shouldnt-be-dating/

 

[GoodEnoughForMe]

Thanks for advice guys, you peeps are cool.

FWIW I am def not conventially attractive; see my Tinder results.

Stop being so harsh on yourself, how can you expect someone to love or like you when you can't even love and like yourself?

I tried to read your twitter and it's... it's just depressing. You need to talk to someone about that.

You need to be realistic, try going to a club or group that is involved in some of your interests/hobbies, that's how you meet people.

Yeah I need to but I live in a small city and meetup.com is mostly a barren wasteland here, plus the one time I tried to go to a meetup at a bar I had a panic attack in the parking lot and puked lmao.

I stopped seeing therapy years ago because I can't afford it.

Anyways this has got way too personal way too fast lol.

Edit: All my photos were travel photos my good friend took so I thought that'd work OK. Some in DC, London, Chicago etc.

But yeah I should work on my self image and take a break I think. Thanks.

 

[Takhisis]

Incidentally, how important is it up there in USia for a date to end in actual coitus?

 

[sophie]

Incidentally, how important is it up there in USia for a date to end in actual coitus?

Depends on the date and the expectations of the people on the date.

I've dated girls where the relationship progressed down the tv-cliché "sex on the third date", I dated a girl where we didn't have sex for several months after we started, and I've also gone on dates with girls where we hooked up after the first date. It varies.

 

[Takhisis]

Well, what about these online dates that GEFM seems to have attempted?

 

[GoodEnoughForMe]

Hopefully not too soon? There was the one girl who turned me down over the phone because of my lack of experience. She was ridic though, complaining to me about her date while she was in the car with him. Some people are weird.

 

[Hygro]

I lost weight (down from 180 to 160). I travelled some. But I don't really have any friends to talk about and I think that hurts me. And I'm really ugly in ways that can't be fixed.

Good job on the weight. I can tell you certain things guys care about looks-wise girls don't really. I for example do not have a full head of hair, and am somewhat lanky. Have you tried getting shredded?

Hopefully not too soon? There was the one girl who turned me down over the phone because of my lack of experience. She was ridic though, complaining to me about her date while she was in the car with him. Some people are weird.

You dodged a bullet. Shoulda turned her down.

 

[sophie]

Well, what about these online dates that GEFM seems to have attempted?

Again. Varies. Some people on tinder are just looking for some easy no-strings-attached we bang and never see each other again. While others are looking for something longer-lasting. In my experience the latter is far more common than the former among women (I'd say a good 90% of women's tinder profiles has some blurb about "I'm not looking to hook up so if that's what you want buzz off).

 

[Takhisis]

Hopefully not too soon? There was the one girl who turned me down over the phone because of my lack of experience. She was ridic though, complaining to me about her date while she was in the car with him. Some people are weird.

Hygro's right, you definitely dodged a bullet there.

Again. Varies. Some people on tinder are just looking for some easy no-strings-attached we bang and never see each other again. While others are looking for something longer-lasting. In my experience the latter is far more common than the former among women (I'd say a good 90% of women's tinder profiles has some blurb about "I'm not looking to hook up so if that's what you want buzz off).

Hmmmm…

 

[Hygro]

My friend, Owen you know this dude, has been trying to get me on Tinder for a hot minute. He swears it's the easiest place to meet girls who want to actually date of all the sites/apps he's tried.

He goes something "you meet the kind of girls who are ready to dive in, like introduce you to their mothers too early"

 

[GoodEnoughForMe]

It's a cool way to see if your friends are racist, too.

 

[Kennigit]

funny, I was just about to say I'm close to having to give up okcupid or tinder for a long time. Particularly now that winter hit and my hypothetical followup suggestions (that I've never gotten to suggest) for outdoor activities are getting colder and less fun to do.

my experience is people NEVER freaking admit they can have specified periods of availability. I would hypothesize it is because of how easy it is to actually get in communication with people (friends, family, whatever). Everyone floats a soft "maybe" on everything [not limited to dating--just anyone age 19-23].

I've had maybe 5 or 6 opportunities to meet with someone on tinder or okcupid [only 1 on okcupid]. I suggest like a coffee place or meet up for a drink as a first meet up because hey, those are actually nice and allow basic conversation. I think I actually have moderate success in talking with someone : "agree" to meet ratio. Partially tinder you already have a hypothetical "well they at least have the tiniest bit of interest because they matched".

But holy heck if anyone actually shows up or de-commit. I mean, people don't KNOW I don't have any friends or whatever so that my suggested friday or saturday times are incredibly easy for me to make on my end, but if I say like "I work all M-thursday, how about <x> time on [the friday or saturday]" people will readily agree with literally 0 intention of showing up.

It'll always migrate to "oh I can't make friday actually, maybe saturday though" and then saturday of course does not pan out.


It's freaking pulling teeth to get a person to actually show up to a simple coffee friday or saturday [also no good brunch places here but i can suggest maybe a 1 brunchish bakery place as a backup] or a drink like thursday or saturday [I won't suggest drinks friday because places tend to be more crowded].

That's something I NEVER anticipated in attempting online dating or just meeting people online.

of those 5 or 6 opportunities, I've met up with 2. Ironically it was actually the first person I tried to meet up with on tinder and the first person I tried to meet up with on okcupid. And neither worked out of course

some of it is also probably the numbers game (I might have 1 opportunity a month while the other person could maybe have at least 5+, I don't know) and obviously if I have 1 person to respond to instead of their 20 it's no surprise things go unanswered and not responded to

 

[Hygro]

Have you tried weekdays? If a girl is interested often weekdays work better. Weekends are for friends/boyfriends etc. Weekdays folks are often way freer than they let on.

Have you tried the friday/crowded places for drinks on dates? I find the buzz of the crowd greatly smooths early dates and leads to more sexy fun time.