"We are pleased with your interest in working at our supermarket/hardware store/retail store at a very basic entry-level position. Before we consider your possible employment, please fill out this information form, submit a resumé, and answer this survey about the drugs we're sure you use and your inevitable plans to steal from us. We will also require a urine drug test, a stool sample, a piece of skin from the back of your scalp, a lock of hair, and a blood sample. Working as a bagboy/floor sweeper/shelf stocker is a task of monumental importance and we value the safety and happiness of our customers."
--Every place ever