Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[Thorvald of Lym]

The very first thing I do as president is troll the UN, declaring that we will bury the world in world revolution

1 (3): Impotent as the real UN may be, you're laughed out of the Assembly as the representatives lambaste the neo-imperial overtones of a white person taking charge of an African liberation movement. Also the fiscal-imperials spread antisocialist propaganda in a bid to strangle the Namibian economy. And the NATO coalition confuses your uprising with a resurgence of hoplitejoe's rhinos.
ROLL TO DODGE!
2: Anglo-French airstrikes send the Army into a blind panic as Europe readies for full-scale war.

Fist pumping all around! I send a survey out into the city to find out more about the big issues.

11 (12): Well, the diamond trade has led to devastating wealth inequality, infrastructure's a mess, there's little logistical connection to the other major commercial centres, and the city itself has no redeeming aesthetics.

I ask the waitress if she has any idea of Horace's location

1 (2): With a Cheshire smile she withdraws a pair of Uzis out of nowhere as a handful of thugs emerge at all the major exits.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (9): You manage to hold your ground as you're beset on all sides, suffering -3 hitpoints from minor scrapes and bruises.

Because I was the original creator of the device that became the CubeCannon, I use my technical expertise to ensure that I am targeted by it this turn, which will allow me to escape this awful dimension.

4: Oh, drat, you're in an alternate dimension, aren't'cha? It probably can't hit you at all.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11: You duck and weave your way across the battlefield to a safe spot, miraculously avoiding all damage.

As an alien empath and a friend indeed, I use my holistic approach to medicine on the Army Captain's psychological well-being.

4 (7): Just as you're about to leave the healing zone of the bacta tank, you reconsider the wisdom of aiding an enemy combatant, at which point several soldiers get their bearings on you.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13: You duck and weave back to the hospital, avoiding their fire.

Ask the woman for directions to the nearest settlement; be it village, farm, gas station, pub, military outpost or monastery.

20: Eyeing you dubiously, she thumbs the hamlet like a hundred metres behind her as some men run up to stabilize your bleeding.

I expand my influence through Namibia

12: You go next door to seize another farm.

Just in time, reinforcements from my cartel comes and rescues us by taking me to safety and blasting away anyone too eager to die.

8: Having infiltrated Area 51 and made off in a stealth fighter to God know's where, they don't actually know where you are right now.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (5): You try your best but still get nipped for -7 hitpoints.

Enjoy the trip. Have a drink at the liner. Don't do anything to interrupt our GLORIOUS MISSION

18: Turns out you picked the right liner. A week of rest and relaxation invigorates your morale, increasing your Luck by 1, while the various social networks tapped into during the trip boost your Charisma by 1 through newfound influence, while you collect 87 carelessly-discarded bottlecaps.

The lions continue to engage the soldiers.
ROLL TO DODGE!
9 (8): The army starts pressing them back, and Attlee takes 4 damage.

CivGeneral and SamSniped are declared AWOL.
CubeCannon swaps the Master and the Rhinoceros!

 

[Omega124]

I declare a great patriotic war, and give a great speech to rally my troops against the real neo colonialists: the French and British

 

[CivCube]

I sell nearly all the weed in my reserves for the city's general fund.

 

[NinjaCow64]

I pray to Saber to get me out of this mess.

 

[Dhoomstriker]

I don my Sunglasses of Awesome and boldly push forward into the fray, healing myself as I go so that I appear to be invincible, while confidently shouting that "I am the Nurse!"

 

[GenMarshall]

I take position within the hospital to hide myself and aim the AK to make sneak attack shots at the advancing troops converging onto Terrance888 and Dhoomstriker.

 

[SouthernKing]

I march on the capital of Windhoek together with my sneks

 

[hoplitejoe]

unfazed, I ask the thugs if they know where Horace is.

 

[Terrance888]

I decide to make a last ditch effort to regain my alienity by tackling the captain and taking back control of the medallion.

 

[gay_Aleks]

Now, what we need to do...is to go to New Reno! Or, if New Reno is missing, then, well, Old Reno!

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

I declare a great patriotic war, and give a great speech to rally my troops against the real neo colonialists: the French and British

3 (5): As good as your projection is, it's surprisingly difficult to shout out explosions and jet engines, especially ones directly over your head.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (9): Shrapnel from a nearby detonation scuffs you for 3 damage.

I sell nearly all the weed in my reserves for the city's general fund.

7 (8): That was all confiscated back when you were arrested.

I pray to Saber to get me out of this mess.

5: Fate/Stay night hasn't been invented yet.

I don my Sunglasses of Awesome and boldly push forward into the fray, healing myself as I go so that I appear to be invincible, while confidently shouting that "I am the Nurse!"

9 (12): You distract the troops from Terrance while patching yourself up to full health. Of course, now you're the party tank.
ROLL TO DODGE!
4: You're peppered with automatic fire for 12 damage, and start bleeding -3 hitpoints per turn.

I take position within the hospital to hide myself and aim the AK to make sneak attack shots at the advancing troops converging onto Terrance888 and Dhoomstriker.

3 (6): It's as you bolt right through the squad toward the open plaza that you realize bee-lining for the hospital was probably a very bad idea.
ROLL TO DODGE!
13 (14): Spraying and praying 10 rounds, you manage to distract the soldiers and retreat to cover.

I march on the capital of Windhoek together with my sneks

18: In all the panic surrounding the imminent NATO invasion, your confident stride and den of sneks attracts a sizable faction of disillusioned citizens and leaderless soldiers into a viable rebel group.

unfazed, I ask the thugs if they know where Horace is.

14 (16): After man-handling your attackers into submission, they admit he's being held in a secret villainous underground complex in the Gobi desert.

I decide to make a last ditch effort to regain my alienity by tackling the captain and taking back control of the medallion.

4 (3): Last-ditch indeed: the captain effortlessly rebuffs your delirious attack, then retaliates for 23 damage. You, uh, probably want to see a surgeon.

Now, what we need to do...is to go to New Reno! Or, if New Reno is missing, then, well, Old Reno!

5 (6): You and the rest of the arrivals are locked down in customs on account of a full-scale Mexican invasion involving the attempted assassination of the President by a terrorist squad.

Meanwhile, the lions continue their skirmish.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8 (10): They keep losing ground, and Attlee another 2 hitpoints.

Red_Spy has retired from the game.
Ailedhoo is declared AWOL.
CubeCannon swaps hendo and Ana!

 

[SouthernKing]

I negotiate a peace agreement with NATO

 

[Omega124]

I get a microphone, and redo the speech, making sure to denounce SK

 

[gay_Aleks]

Okay. So, it's time to go the Speech route. Tell the stupid, fat (I mean, they are, aren't they?) customs guard that I'm one of the diplomatic aides of some diplomatic big-wig in Zambia. And if they don't let me through, RIGHT NOW, they're going to have troooouble

 

[hoplitejoe]

We set off to the Gobi desert

 

[Ailedhoo]

Allow the potential medics to see to my wounds.

 

[Terrance888]

As I die I sacrifice my soul to our lord and savior RNGesus so that Civgeneral and Dhoomstriker have better luck.

 

[NinjaCow64]

I realise what I've been doing wrong this whole time! This is an opposite dimension, so the opposite of what I tries to do happens! So my next action is to get caputred by those badly-written fascist policemen!

 

[Dhoomstriker]

Since I am a Medic III Tank, I easily and confidently heal the entire party, all the while shrugging off enemy fire, thereby giving the party the morale boost needed to succeed.

 

[CivCube]

Welp. I'll build a big ol' bank, then.