Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[CivCube]

I invest a little money honey in Tesla and SpaceX.

 

[SouthernKing]

I attempt to summon youkai yet again and invade Poland

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

This is frustrating, your chara- wait, why am I speaking in second person? Screw this. Seek out literature or software or what-ever available on the topic of ion beams, their quantum nature, and how to disrupt them. This, in the end, is the future. Bold new era.

Also going back to Africa for no reason is bloody damn annoying, you th- again with the second person!

6 (7): Drat, all you see is a hospital and the US Army and a pack of lions and WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING HERE?!?!
ROLL TO DODGE!
3 (5): Caught in the crossfire, you suffer 6 damage.

I travel to Dalandzadgad.

14 (15): Spending $43 you check into the local motel, spending the night to relax, recouping your hitpoints.

With my newfound good rolls I escape police custody.

11: You slip away as their backs are turned.

Continue to the hamlet.

10: You are now literally an ocean apart.

I now start said fire emblem campaign, combining the powers of friendship and reloading to create a tiny yet invincible army :3

7: Welp, it's tiny alright; time to see how durable it is.
ROLL TO DODGE!
2 (6): Charging headlong at British marines backed by amphibious tanks and close-air support may not be the best strategy, but you manage to escape with only 9 damage.

As he exits his Mind Palace, Attlee pulls a Sherlock, by determining the exact order of blows to make on the Army Captain in order to relieve the Army Captain of the alien medallion, and then executes his attack with flawless precision.

20 (20): It's gruesome, yet beautiful... Inflicting 27 damage, Attlee manages to send the medallion flying and restoring the captain to human form. Stripped of his regenerative ability he begins to bleed out 7 hitpoints per turn.

I try in vain to find anything of luck to shake off the negative effects on my rolls.

16: You find a bad-luck mushroom and consume it, but if you tried 'in vain' then you shouldn't have found it at all, thus creating a paradox that negates luck modifiers altogether.

I invest a little money honey in Tesla and SpaceX.

18 (19): Spending $42 between the portfolios you net per-turn dividends of $8.

I attempt to summon youkai yet again and invade Poland

17: You summon Momiji Inubashiri to your cause, just in time to fight off the hentaibeast!
ROLL TO DODGE!
12 (13): You effortlessly evade its attacks.
ROLL TO DODGE!
20 (20): Momiji delivers a crippling onslaught worth 28 damage, worsening the bloodletting by -3 hp/turn.

CubeCannon swaps hendo and the Enchanter!

 

[CivCube]

Aw yiss. I invest funds into rebuilding the city's infrastructure. We gonna be more solid than Lionel Richie. Truth.

 

[Omega124]

Ok screw this I hire a PMC to help me

 

[NinjaCow64]

I sneak back to where I left my lasergun and use the hot energy packets to melt my handcuffs off.

 

[Dhoomstriker]

With a deliberate, yet not-too-damaging, swipe of his claw and the use of logical arguments about how the rigid command hierarchy of the US military has left the Army Captain in the dark about the evil forces which have taken control of the US Presidency, and by extension, the US military, Attlee convinces the Army Captain to join Dhoomstriker's side in the quest to liberate 'Mericuh from the tyrannical forces that currently control it.

 

[hoplitejoe]

I ask about to see if anyone has heard of any suspicious activities near by.

 

[GenMarshall]

Spotting hendo's follower, I call out to Samuel North to cover me while I search for additional ammo for the both of us.

 

[Ailedhoo]

Whistle for any passing boats to take my good self to the other side.

 

[gay_Aleks]

Use our sneak abilities to get the bloody <expletive> out of here.

 

[SouthernKing]

I convert the hentaibeast to my cause

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

Aw yiss. I invest funds into rebuilding the city's infrastructure. We gonna be more solid than Lionel Richie. Truth.

10 (11): You earmark $19 to fill in the potholes.

Ok screw this I hire a PMC to help me

5: Dang, only available company is Blackwater. Oh well, not like you needed those civilians...

I sneak back to where I left my lasergun and use the hot energy packets to melt my handcuffs off.

9: You have no clue where you are in relation to that.

With a deliberate, yet not-too-damaging, swipe of his claw and the use of logical arguments about how the rigid command hierarchy of the US military has left the Army Captain in the dark about the evil forces which have taken control of the US Presidency, and by extension, the US military, Attlee convinces the Army Captain to join Dhoomstriker's side in the quest to liberate 'Mericuh from the tyrannical forces that currently control it.

3 (5): *bzzzt* ERROR #does_not_compute >exec my-country-right-or-wrong.lua if tango isRebel and tango ~= isAmerican then probableSedition(tango) return 1
He's not buying it.
ROLL TO DODGE!
6 (11): The Captain tries to break free, but Attlee sustains the grappling.

I ask about to see if anyone has heard of any suspicious activities near by.

19 (20): A terrified clerk mentions black-clad soldiers escorting a group of white men to and from some sort of secret facility about a hundred kilometres southeast. Nobody's seen it themselves... at least, none that lived to tell.

Spotting hendo's follower, I call out to Samuel North to cover me while I search for additional ammo for the both of us.

15: Using his fortuitous placement in the midst of the squad, he distracts the soldiers long enough that you break cover and scramble to collect four M16 assault rifles and 6 magazines.

Whistle for any passing boats to take my good self to the other side.

7: You're too far inland.

Use our sneak abilities to get the bloody <expletive> out of here.

8 (9): It's far too crowded to sneak, but dropping prone helps you avoid bullets.

I convert the hentaibeast to my cause

16: Using K-pop style charm, you manage to convince it that you know avenues in this world what would be more than happy to make use of its unique faculties.

CubeCannon swaps Rhinoceros and the Lesser Hentaibeast!
The Lesser Hentaibeast uses its numerous appendages to assault everyone at once!
ROLL TO DODGE!
2: Dhoomstriker is constricted for 20 damage, suffering a crushing -5 hp/turn and a -3 penalty to mobility.
ROLL TO DODGE!
3: Ana is whipped (non-sexually) for 18 damage and lacerations that sap her basic defence by 2. It also steals her rifle!

 

[Ailedhoo]

Look for any port or peer; there must be at least a fishing dock for me to hitch a ride on.

 

[NinjaCow64]

Well in that case I remember that elective course that I took at Dodge College, "Escaping from Handcuffs 101", and use my skills from that to get out of them.

 

[CivCube]

I forgot I was wearing handcuffs. My staff and I cut them off.

 

[hoplitejoe]

I get the clerk to take me to the facility's location.

 

[Dhoomstriker]

"I love accordion music!" I shout out, as I use my medical knowledge of various types of anatomy to erogenously return the hug, while I encourage the Lesser Hentaibeast to play its accordion by simultaneously breaking into a vocal rendition of R.E.M.'s You Are [My] Everything.

 

[Omega124]

I hire blackwater.

 

[SouthernKing]

I spread my power with the power of K-pop