Coping with iminent death

[MobBoss]

It is with a heavy heart that I have to report my mom has been diagnosed with inoperable cancer and has at most 6 to 7 months to live, and probably as little as 3 months.

Now, I lost my dad almost exactly 20 years ago, but he died suddenly. This is going to be different and probably far more difficult for me. Even talking to my mom tonight was hard as she has started Chemo to buy her some more time and its being rough on her. I don't think she will stay on it long.

Primarily this thread is asking some advice from those in our community that have lost someone like this, and how they coped with it (that is if they don't mind sharing such personal moments).

Please discuss and please be somber in comment in consideration of the subject matter.

Thanks.

 

[Evie]

I'm sorry to hear the news, MobBoss

The closest I've lost like that are grandparents...it was several years ago, and I don't really remember handling these things. I remember my parents joking with my grandfather about the things he'd be doing the next summer when he came to visit us, and acting as if we were assuming the best possible outcome, even when everyone knew we wouldn't get it.

I do remember we worked hard on being there for him, but I doubt I need to tell you that. If anything, we spent more time with him than before, probably because we realized he wouldn't be there much longer.

I wish I remembered more and had more to offer.

 

[Ajidica]

My condolences.
I've never lost anyone close to me so I can't offer anything more helpful than that.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Condolences, MobBoss.

Have you connected with any support groups for people in this situation?

 

[rugbyLEAGUEfan]

Truly sorry to hear that, you have some tough times ahead but you don`t strike me as someone who will shirk from it. Your mum is fortunate in that sense.

I don`t say this to give you false hope but my mum was diagnosed pretty much exactly the same.......inoperable, 4 to 6 months. As it turns out we were blessed with over 2 years, of which 18 months of them were spent in relatively decent health. We even went to Europe with my brother. You just don`t know.

I would highly recommend her words of wisdom that "Neither you nor I have any idea when we will pass away, the only difference is I know how"

I genuinely believe that you will one day look upon this tough period with alot of happiness amongst the pain. Your courage and commitment will be strongly tested and I believe you will pass with flying colours.

You may well witness your mum`s finest hour considering the enormity of the struggle she faces and you may feel a love and pride stronger than any you have felt. Rejoice in these emotions. Be under no illusions, it can be a brutal disease but similarly, don`t sell either yourself or your mum short, you can achieve so much and live so intensely as you face it.

 

[woody60707]

Sorry to hear about that. I'm not sure how anyone can deal like that.

 

[FriendlyFire]

Even talking to my mom tonight was hard as she has started Chemo to buy her some more time and its being rough on her. I don't think she will stay on it long..

Did she make the choice to go on Chemo ? Might not be better to enjoy the time she has left with family then have to go through what is a very tough regime of treatment. (she will be tired all the time, sleep a lot, not able to eat etc etc) Though there is always a chance of cancer going into remission.

 

[MobBoss]

Did she make the choice to go on Chemo ? Might not be better to enjoy the time she has left with family then have to go through what is a very tough regime of treatment. (she will be tired all the time, sleep a lot, not able to eat etc etc) Though there is always a chance of cancer going into remission.

Thanks for all the kind words. Initially, she had chosen to not do chemo, but her doc convinced her to go on half doses every other week in the expectation that it wouldn't overly weaken her and still slow or even mitigate the cancer to a degree.

Initially, a different doc had wanted to do surgery to remove the cancer in her abdomen. However, that left the issue of her lung not addressed. Another doc said such surgery would be a waste of time if the cancer had indeed spread to her lung, so they tested it to ensure she does have cancer of the lining of her lung and it came back positive.

So basically my sister (who is also a nurse) is going to provide her care/hospice from here own out.

I don't know if I mentioned it but my mom is 78 years old. She was one of 14 kids and she has seen all her siblings die ahead of her except 1 (she was the youngest). Last 10 years has been rough on her as she has seen one after another sibling die from various issues.

 

[Antilogic]

Sorry to hear that, MB, I can only hope the doctors have underestimated her time left with you and your family.

One of my grandmothers had a terrible stroke and was bedridden for a few years before passing away. We tried to spend as much time with her as possible (we took weekend trips, only lived about a 3-hour car drive away at the time) but it was quite difficult for me because her speech was very slurred and I could barley understand what she was saying. In the end, I felt like the pain of her passing was balanced both before and after the event, while with the more sudden deaths it was more like a hammer of sadness when you realize you never had the chance to say goodbye.

Best wishes,

 

[Borachio]

edit: I can't think of anything useful to say.

 

[Synobun]

Long life. That is one positive to take out of this.

No matter how hard it gets to cope with this fact, remind yourself that your mother is still there for the time being and does need your company and loving support. You'll feel as if you're not doing enough, but just being there will make the end seem a little brighter for her which is all you can do at this point.

Make death something she can fade into with a crying smile rather than a scream. It is unreal how many people abandon loved ones when their end is approaching simply because "they can't handle it". It's not about you, but you are important to her. Don't be surprised if your mother is adamant that you tell her how things are going in your life. It grounds her, it provides perspective, it lets her know her boy will be okay.

If you can't be there all the time, something very sweet and nice you can do is put together little boxes (care packages) of an assortment of things she might enjoy. When I spent a couple weeks in the hospital a couple years ago with a big red flag next to my name on the patient screen, I had one wish, although I do not care to admit it most of the time. I wished that someone could be there, and if they couldn't, they would send something. Anything. A short little note inside a funny card, a small souvenir of their life, something with some sense of sentimentality.

It'll be hard, but do try to find the positives and spend as much time as you can reliving the good memories with your mother. It's okay to cry and it's okay to feel like your world is shattering.

It will be okay. It will take time, but it'll be okay. And that is what your mother probably wants. She wants you to be okay. Let her know.

Best of luck, MB. This part of life is very difficult and can be both a humbling and Earth-shattering experience. We'll see you on the other side.

 

[emzie]

You don't want your memories forever tinged with how she was her last few months. It's going to be harder than anything you've ever done, but in a sense, not as hard as you fear because you have no choice in the matter.

Spend your time with her reliving your life together. Be open, honest, and cherish that she was part of you life for so long. Record things that you associate with her. Does she have an amazing recipe for some type of cookies? Make sure you get it. Make sure you tell her what a wonderful mom she's been. You don't want to regret 10 years from now holding those sentiments back.

 

[NovaKart]

Wanted to offer my condolences. I don't have anything useful to share unfortunately. I don't want to say loss because your mother hasn't died yet but I'm very sorry for the situation.

 

[El_Machinae]

Aw geez, man, I'm sorry.

 

[Ziggy Stardust]

Very sorry to hear that MobBoss. Lots of strength to you and your family.

 

[bathsheba666]

Sorry to hear that.

That moment is looming for me also, but only in a general sense.

I don't know whether it actually helps to have a clearer idea of exactly how limited the remaining time is, as I am sure my mind will be elsewhere when it actually happens here.

But I don't know how to prepare for those moments, sorry I can't help.

 

[Mise]

That's awful, I'm very sorry to hear that

 

[Mechanicalsalvation]

Mom is someone really special, its huge loss. But you are religious man. No matter how you love your mom nobody can love her more then God. Think about it as that your mom is going home...

 

[classical_hero]

When we found out my mother had breast cancer and that it was very large, back then we realised it was basically terminal, so we had to come to the conclusion her death was imminent. The fact that I am a Christian made it better because I realised that I will met her again and now she is no longer in any pain. I am just treating it like she is on a holiday and I just don't have a clue when I will meet her again.

 

[Perfection]

I just want to extend my best wishes for you and your family under these trying circumstances.