[RD] I'm transitioning. If you've ever been confused about the T in LGBT, ask me anything

[civvver]

Sorry, NB = non binary and AMAB - a man at birth?

 

[Arakhor]

Assigned Male at Birth.

 

[Narz]

Do you find this scene from Afterlife offensive?

 

[Socrates99]

This might have been asked but I haven't read the full thread. It might be a dumb question, apologies.

Is the ultimate goal of transitioning to just assume the identity of the new sex? Or would you always want the trans part to be part of your story? Like if you're moving from male to female is it ideal to drop all male identity?

 

[emzie]

Do you find this scene from Afterlife offensive?

Well, I found it hilarious. It flirts with offensive. Getting into the weeds, that clip doesn't portray a transwoman. The wife makes that clear in the beginning, and differentiates her husband's behaviour from "real" transfolk. It's subtle and probably missed by a lot of people. There are some that have latched on to the "transgender identity" and are expressing more a cause celebre or are outright attention-seeking. That was how I saw the clip.

I should add that the idea we're attention-seeking or confused or whatnot can be dangerous and is often used to invalidate us.

This might have been asked but I haven't read the full thread. It might be a dumb question, apologies.

Is the ultimate goal of transitioning to just assume the identity of the new sex? Or would you always want the trans part to be part of your story? Like if you're moving from male to female is it ideal to drop all male identity?

We'll all have our own unique take on this. Transition is path. That path may have a goal, like the summit of a hike. It may just be a wandering decade-long journey.

Personally, I do not go out of my way to hide that I am trans. I also don't volunteer that information unless it's context appropriate. Sometimes it's funny. Last October I went to my sister-in-law's for Thanksgiving. She had over a friend I had not met previously. After about two hours of conversation, I mentioned, "well as a transwoman..." and the family friend stopped, fork midair with turkey on it, and just blurt out "you're trans??!"

I don't think it's 100% possible to transition after puberty and completely disavow the gender you were assigned at birth. I was treated as a guy until my mid-to-late 20s and that has heavily influenced how I see the world. I have some male privilege and think it's important to acknowledge that.

 

[Narz]

I have some male privilege and think it's important to acknowledge that.

What are the main privledges of maleness would you say?

I've only ever been male but I greatly appreciate being generally left alone as I go about my day. 99% of days if I talk to no one no one will talk to me.

However I'm also kinda jealous of females (attractive females) in that if they are lonesome they can get almost unlimited attention (perhaps mostly unwanted) simply by putting themselves out there.

Also as a male there isnt nearly as much biological clock pressure dictating my attractiveness. Being trans this must be somewhat different than being biologically female since you don't ovulate/get pregnant.

I've heard women can experience being taken less seriously in the workforce, while i don't feel that way/haven't seen it Im not denying it could be a thing

 

[Lemon Merchant]

What are the main privledges of maleness would you say?

I've only ever been male but I greatly appreciate being generally left alone as I go about my day. 99% of days if I talk to no one no one will talk to me.

Lucky you.

However I'm also kinda jealous of females (attractive females) in that if they are lonesome they can get almost unlimited attention (perhaps mostly unwanted) simply by putting themselves out there.

It's mostly unwanted. Some men feel that it is their biological imperative to mate 24/7 and they don't see why women maybe don't want to. Some of these guys are mutants. And don't even get me started about the "players." You know the type. These wanna be playboys with their good looks, nice cars and apparently they can have a bevy of women clamoring for them. Fact is, they hit on women something fierce, and most won't take no for an answer. In addition, if you tell most men that you are a lesbian, they view it as a challenge: "You just haven't been with the right man yet." I have, thank you, and no he didn't "fix" me.

Also as a male there isnt nearly as much biological clock pressure dictating my attractiveness.

That is a hell unto itself. I'm remarkably well preserved, given my age. I've been lucky, but it does add to your insecurity and there is tremendous pressure to be attractive (and young).

Being trans this must be somewhat different than being biologically female since you don't ovulate/get pregnant.

Trans women also don't menstruate, which is either a good thing, or a bad thing, depending on how you look at it. Personally, I can do without it (really God, I can), but some of my trans patients would kill for the chance to do it. Not having the pressure of worrying about getting pregnant would be a good thing. If you are a young, hetero, sexually active woman, it's always in the back of your mind. The freedom from that is a plus, but again, I know trans women who would leap at the chance to have their own baby.

I've heard women can experience being taken less seriously in the workforce, while i don't feel that way/haven't seen it Im not denying it could be a thing

This is true. It is a thing. When I was nursing, the pay was uniform across the board, male or female. However, that changed when I became a psychologist. I am pretty positive that I am paid less than a male colleague of equal experience. I am also underpaid compared to other psychologists nationally. I am told that this is due to the economy in the province that I live in and not because I am female. I suspect that it is a combination of both things. My opinion in medical matters seems to be taken seriously. Rarely do I have to tune someone up because they are treating me like an idiot, but it does happen. Sometimes you have to take a doctor down a peg or two when their head gets too big, but that happens to everyone in the medical profession who isn't an M.D. at some point in their career.

 

[JohannaK]

However I'm also kinda jealous of females (attractive females) in that if they are lonesome they can get almost unlimited attention (perhaps mostly unwanted) simply by putting themselves out there.

The downside to that is when they're not lonesome they still get all the attention that they don't want. I ber when they are lonesome most of the attention they get is still not the kind they want. But I can only assume this.

 

[H4run]

I've only ever been male but I greatly appreciate being generally left alone as I go about my day. 99% of days if I talk to no one no one will talk to me.

I'm not handsome, and far from beautiful lol, and people call me often until I change my ring-tone periodically because it also rub me the wrong way when the phone rings, when you work in a profession that deal with people, and their complain, and their snarkiness, their threat, ungratefulness, sometime being out of attention is good.

In life, you actually only need a few people to not to feel lonely. Sometime even one is enough.

 

[Lemon Merchant]

The downside to that is when they're not lonesome they still get all the attention that they don't want. I ber when they are lonesome most of the attention they get is still not the kind they want. But I can only assume this.

Bingo.

 

[Manfred Belheim]

I don't think it's 100% possible to transition after puberty and completely disavow the gender you were assigned at birth. I was treated as a guy until my mid-to-late 20s and that has heavily influenced how I see the world. I have some male privilege and think it's important to acknowledge that.

I was thinking the other day, and I don't know the term for this (or if there even is one), about the practice of retroactively applying the "new" gender identity to biographical descriptions of a person's earlier lives. As in, for example, a transwoman who transitioned in her thirties, but before that lived as a boy and a man, at least as far as the outside world saw and interacted with him/her. Perhaps it was not even something that was clear in her own mind for much of that time. Yet if an article is written about them it will refer to her younger self, even as a child, as "her".

I can see why that's done, and I'm sure for some it is exactly the sort of affirmation they would want. But I can also well imagine other transpeople not having strong feelings either way, or even perhaps preferring the opposite as they recognise it is not what they were, or at least not the role they played in society, at the time. Yet it seems to be done by default just on the assumption that it is always the right way to talk about things.

Anyway, just wondered if there is any sort of debate on this and if indeed there are any who prefer it the opposite way.

 

[Zardnaar]

I'm not handsome, and far from beautiful lol, and people call me often until I change my ring-tone periodically because it also rub me the wrong way when the phone rings, when you work in a profession that deal with people, and their complain, and their snarkiness, their threat, ungratefulness, sometime being out of attention is good.

In life, you actually only need a few people to not to feel lonely. Sometime even one is enough.

Way my female friends have explained it is that it's easy to met people but really hard to met Mr Right.

Where I live it's easy for the men to be a player as there's a gender ratio approaching 60-40 due to to the university.

If half the males have girlfriends there a 2-1 ratio in what's left over.

@lemon never hit on a women telling me she's a Lesbian. When I was younger I just talked to women. If things happened things happened if not eh.

I'm really crap at hitting on women. Never really did it. All my gfs were friends of friends and I was fairly oblivious if they liked me. Normally a female friend would let me know if someone liked me and it would go from there. Being young and stupid plus male I usually messed it up.

Eg she wanted to hang out I went out drinking with the boys or wanted to play videogames.

 

[Socrates99]

Well, I found it hilarious. It flirts with offensive. Getting into the weeds, that clip doesn't portray a transwoman. The wife makes that clear in the beginning, and differentiates her husband's behaviour from "real" transfolk. It's subtle and probably missed by a lot of people. There are some that have latched on to the "transgender identity" and are expressing more a cause celebre or are outright attention-seeking. That was how I saw the clip.

I should add that the idea we're attention-seeking or confused or whatnot can be dangerous and is often used to invalidate us.



We'll all have our own unique take on this. Transition is path. That path may have a goal, like the summit of a hike. It may just be a wandering decade-long journey.

Personally, I do not go out of my way to hide that I am trans. I also don't volunteer that information unless it's context appropriate. Sometimes it's funny. Last October I went to my sister-in-law's for Thanksgiving. She had over a friend I had not met previously. After about two hours of conversation, I mentioned, "well as a transwoman..." and the family friend stopped, fork midair with turkey on it, and just blurt out "you're trans??!"

I don't think it's 100% possible to transition after puberty and completely disavow the gender you were assigned at birth. I was treated as a guy until my mid-to-late 20s and that has heavily influenced how I see the world. I have some male privilege and think it's important to acknowledge that.

I kind of figured it'd depend on the individual. I was thinking about a scenario where a trans woman and cis man were in a relationship. Maybe he's open minded and just likes her for her but family and friends may be put off by the relationship. Would she be offended if he wanted her to just be a girl and keep it secret or would she be happy to completely assume the identity of a woman? Probably still really depends on the person I'm guessing.

I would have thought any male privilege dissipated once you started to transition, socially anyway. Transwomen seem to get treated worse than cis women. Do you just mean physical advantages?

 

[aimeeandbeatles]

Here's a question that I hope isn't too offensive:

A hypothetical person considers themselves exclusively gay or straight. If they remain in a relationship with their spouse/significant other after the spouse/SO transitions to the other gender, does that mean that they're now considered bisexual?

 

[Narz]

@Lemon Merchant thx for the insight, I didn't know you were a psychologist.

The downside to that is when they're not lonesome they still get all the attention that they don't want. I ber when they are lonesome most of the attention they get is still not the kind they want. But I can only assume this.

That goes for everyone but at least an attractive girl can choose among the 38 guys blowing up her phone whereas average(str8) dude will settle for 1st semi-decent lady who gives him attention.

I imagine trying to find good partner as trans must be much more difficult than even for gay people because its a smaller pool.

 

[NovaKart]

Way my female friends have explained it is that it's easy to met people but really hard to met Mr Right.

Where I live it's easy for the men to be a player as there's a gender ratio approaching 60-40 due to to the university.

If half the makes have girlfriends there a 2-1 ratio in what's left over.

@lemon never hit on a women telling me she's a Lesbian. When I was younger I just talked to women. If things happened things happened if not eh.

I'm really crap at hitting on women. Never really did it. All my gfs were friends of friends and I was fairly oblivious if they liked me. Normally a female friend would let me know if someone liked me and it would go from there. Being young and stupid plus male I usually messed it up.

Eg she wanted to hang out I went out drinking with the boys or wanted to play videogames.

That’s how it is with gay men. Really easy to hook up but hard to find a relationship, at least in my experience.

There’s the old joke that lesbians bring a moving van to the second date and gay men don’t have a 2nd date.

 

[stfoskey12]

Is there a term like man/woman for a nonbinary adult?

Also, I feel like what is stereotypically masculine and feminine is largely influenced by culture. So how does a nonbinary person decide they're nonbinary and not just someone who likes some things that go against their birth gender's stereotypes?

 

[JohannaK]

That goes for everyone but at least an attractive girl can choose among the 38 guys blowing up her phone whereas average(str8) dude will settle for 1st semi-decent lady who gives him attention.

I know you're saying this in good faith, but at least to me it's a bit off-putting. Sort of very utilitarian. Did you settle for the 1st semi-decent lady who gave you attention?

I imagine trying to find good partner as trans must be much more difficult than even for gay people because its a smaller pool.

I'm not sure if you're implying trans people only date trans people? If not, how can you gauge how many non-trans people would be okay dating a trans person?

 

[IglooDame]

Here's a question that I hope isn't too offensive:

A hypothetical person considers themselves exclusively gay or straight. If they remain in a relationship with their spouse/significant other after the spouse/SO transitions to the other gender, does that mean that they're now considered bisexual?

Up to the individual person, I'd think. My own opinion would be that if they continue to find that spouse sexually attractive, then they're not quite exclusively gay/straight and probably never were. If they're remaining in that relationship because of the emotional bonds and largely tolerating or setting aside sex now, then they are probably 'still' gay/straight.

 

[Narz]

Did you settle for the 1st semi-decent lady who gave you attention?

More times than I'd like to admit.

I'm not sure if you're implying trans people only date trans people? If not, how can you gauge how many non-trans people would be okay dating a trans person?

I imagine those actively seeking a trans partner to be smaller group than those seeking a gay partner but I have no idea.