Random Rants LX: I wish to register a complaint

[shadowplay]

*picks up a guitar*

when the day is long...
and the night..
and you think you've had too much...

 

[hobbsyoyo]

Thanks Cutlass. I needed that.

I haven't been depressed in a long, long time, but when I was in my teens I suffered with it and was diagnosed as bipolar.

I don't know, I am burned out with school. I dropped out of HS and then decided I wanted to be a rocket scientist. I didn't realize at the time it would take me 8 years to complete a BS degree (a function of never having gotten past pre-algebra before I dropped out - I spent a solid 4 years taking nothing but the math sequence that normal people take in HS only I took it in college) and I'm just burnt out now.

I had a co-op (where you take a semester out of school to work) and I don't know, it kind of ruined me. I didn't want to come back to school and when I did, I blew off a semester (long story but it actually didn't set me back because it was all electives) and didn't go to class. I'm doing that same thing right now, not going to class. Only this time it's going to keep me from graduating. So I get depressed because I'm not going to class. Then I'm not going to class because I'm depressed. And so on. And until I wrote that last sentence, I didn't even put together that I had fallen into that pattern because I manage to delude myself that I'm fine and just having bad days. But a month of bad days stops being a coincidence, I guess.

I joined a softball team just to force myself out of the house and I kept wishing I would get beamed in the face so I wouldn't have to be in pain, to not have to face the next day.

I know this is way too personal of a post and it's going to be deleted. I don't care. I need to let it out. I'm really hurting and I have no one to talk to about it. I haven't even told my wife, I'm too ashamed of myself and part of me can't even confront that I am depressed (I denied it for a long time, months). I used to be this ultra-productive type A and now I can't even get out of bed some days and I have no one to talk to.


I remember a few years back there was this guy in one of my classes (we only had 3 students in that class - quantum physics). He was absolutely brilliant and never struggled with school but he suffered from serious depression. One day, with three weeks left in the semester, he just dissappeared. His friends, who played video games with him daily, noticed he wasn't logging on. He stopped going to class, he just went *poof* and fell off the face of the earth. Not a single one of his friends called him, no one checked on him. I didn't even know the guy that well or where he lived but I knew he was in trouble so I went to campus police and they did a wellness check on him and he came back to school the next day. His parents didn't even know he had withdrawn from life and gone into this spiral and he would have dropped out if I hadn't intervened. And he called me and thanked me. And I felt good because I had been there before and even though I didn't know the guy or where he lived or his phone number I couldn't let him spiral out of control without trying somehow to help.

And I'm at that point, I'm slowly withdrawing. And there is no one to intervene. And I don't know why I can't just talk to my wife. We have a wonderful, open relationship (not in the naughty sense). We talk about everything. But I can't talk about this. Not with her.

So I have no outlet. I don't really know what to do or how to manage this anymore. I've done so well at covering it up, just powering through that when I can't power through or cover up anymore, I have no tools left to use. You know?

And I interact with dozens of people a day at school - I'm a program manager on our satellite team - and I can put on this charismatic act that makes me a good leader and people willingly follow me. But I have no friends, no one who cares. I've always been an honest, open person and I don't hide things about myself. Good, bad and ugly, I wear it on my sleeve. And I've even told people point-blank I am depressed and we kind of laugh about it because I turn it into a self-deprecating joke. But I'm really hurting.

And I have no one to make the call to the police, metaphorically speaking, to make the wellness check.

I know I'm ranting at this point but I need to get it off my chest. I'm writing this and I'm trying not to start crying but I feel like I need to cry, you know? And I keep hoping my wife will go to bed early because I don't want to start crying in front of her. I don't want to explain this, I don't want to share this with her and I just feel an overwhelming sense of shame and I don't know why.

I do know - I am ashamed that after all of this struggle, after clawing my way out of a dead end life of working at Taco Bell; I'm falling down at the finish line. I'm right there at the end of college, my last semester. And I can't even work up the energy to ask my classmates to let me copy their homework. I just won't do the homework at all. And I'll stay home and miss class. And I won't graduate. And I've wasted 8 years of my life, I let it crumble right in front of me.

I can't put that on my wife but she'll find out in the worst way if I'm not honest with her. I can't fake graduating.


Thank you Cutlass for posting that reply. I really, really needed someone for once to acknowledge that I'm miserable and falling apart and just hear me out. That means a lot to me.

Edit:
Thanks Taks too, you posted while I was writing that epic wall of rant.

I don't feel insignificant, if that matters. I am just sad and isolated and it really freaking hurts and I'm ashamed. it just hurts and I want it to stop and I want to get my life back on track. I'm really tired of feeling like this. I can't hold it together you know but it really, really helps to just write it down.

And now I'm losing my ****

 

[Cutlass]

Talk to your wife. She's probably noticed more than you're letting on. If you can't talk to her, you're risking that relationship, and that will put you in an even worse place.

 

[shadowplay]

I care about you, too, hobbs. It's okay to hurt. I'm sorry I don't have much to contribute to the conversation other than idiotic quips. (big man hugs)

If hearing this makes you feel any better, I would trade my weiner and 1 ball to be in the position you're in in life. you have a wife? dude!

 

[Takhisis]

Break the cycle, man. If you are depressed because you don't go to class and then you don't go to class because you are depressed, then try and go to class.

And talk to your wife. She's there for you. From what you say of her, she loves you. She will help.

Edit: friggin' ninjaing xposters! Don't give up and have a mindhug, man.

 

[hobbsyoyo]

You guys are right, no doubt. I need to talk to her and I know that it would be helpful. I just have to bring myself to do it.

 

[Takhisis]

The sooner the better. Why not show her the above post you made? Say to her: ‘Read this, I just had to post it. It's not made up.’

 

[azzaman333]

gl hobbs, fight your way through it. you'll get there, i know it.

 

[hobbsyoyo]

Thanks.


And I sincerely apologize for that epic wall of text. I turned the spigot and the faucet went from a drip to a flood of emotions and I had to just let it out. I feel better now though. A lot.

Except for my eyes because I think my contact lenses rolled the back of my skull when they were floating on tears haha. I seriously can't find them but I can feel them in my eyes somewhere.

 

[NovaKart]

Thanks for posting this Hobbs, I've been going through a really bad downward spiral too but I can't post about it now because it's 4:30 am and I have to be up soon but maybe I'll post about it later. Anyway, lots of people are going through bad stuff, or maybe not, maybe it's just the two of us, who knows.

 

[Cutlass]

I've been going through a massive bout of depression as well. I've just learned not to talk about it.

 

[Takhisis]

No need to apologise, hobbs. That's what this thread is for. Even though azza and shadowplay and cutlass and, not least, I myself are all capable of joking around here, currently we're being serious and giving you some honest help. The first step to solving a problem is to admit that you have a problem.

 

[hobbsyoyo]

No need to apologise, hobbs. That's what this thread is for. Even though azza and shadowplay and cutlass and, not least, I myself are all capable of joking around here, currently we're being serious and giving you some honest help. The first step to solving a problem is to admit that you have a problem.

That's where I am at, to be completely honest. Just now admitting it to myself fully. It's crazy how many mental gymnastics a person can go through to avoid the truth sometimes.

I've been going through a massive bout of depression as well. I've just learned not to talk about it.

I'm sorry Cutlass and I've been there. And your point about your friend who doesn't listen - I can't emphasize how much I empathize with that. That's the kind of person who trains you to not talk about it. They expect you to soak up their problems but immediately give you the cold shoulder when you open up. And it's even worse when you think it's an actual friend and then to suddenly realize, like you did, that they are only interested in you as a sounding board.

To be honest, (and I may have said this already) when that happens and I realize it's going on, I just cut them out entirely.

Thanks for posting this Hobbs, I've been going through a really bad downward spiral too but I can't post about it now because it's 4:30 am and I have to be up soon but maybe I'll post about it later. Anyway, lots of people are going through bad stuff, or maybe not, maybe it's just the two of us, who knows.

I'm sorry NovaKart you're stuck in a spiral too and I hope you can get help. I hope there is someone in your life you can talk to. After you get some sleep!

 

[Takhisis]

Good. Now that you've faced yourself, you have to show that real self to others.
I know of the mental gymnastics people can do, I've seen it before. You can get disjointed doing that.

Others don't have anyone whom to live for or who lives for them, you do. Both. Trust us, talk to your wife.

 

[Hygro]

Hobbs, I say this because this is my advice to myself, 28, and an undergrad-on-hiatus who has had, uhh, a lot of mid-college flameouts and subsequent periods of slowly getting back in motion before the next one. And all the feelings that go with it. Yay. But I share it in hopes that if there's any of it you're not doing, you might find something you can act on.

Where can you spend the money to get assured forward motion? Right now I'm focused on the financial accumulation part to do so, but here's things I know work to give forward motion, and the feelings that loosely accompany that good direction.

Talk Therapy
Bodywork/Massage
Medications (ones that motivate are better....)
Tutoring, 1 on 1 and as regular and intensive as you need to make sure the get the work done.
Doing whatever you need to get to every class on time like attendance is the only thing that matters.

Also, the lifestyle things are amazing ways to get victories: making daily smoothies got me moving forward on a routine front and a nutrition front, going to the gym can replace virtually all of this stuff, having a hobby with skill advancement is fun and helps the process. If you can go to a few really good parties without it disrupting your energy and schedule that can sometimes break some of the depression crust. Cleaning your room.

 

[Takhisis]

Ah, yes, important thing there. In some places there is a taboo on taking therapy/counselling/medication etc. Don't think you're a weakling/idiot/unmanly/etc. for doing any of those. If you need help and you can get it you should. It does take much more courage and strength to admit to your problems and solve them than to simply hide it and ‘act tough’. But you can do it.

Oh, and my personal recommendation for a hobby is to take up cooking. Enjoying good food can really improve your general feel and your outlook on life. Ignore HFCS; though.

 

[sophie]

holy [feces] dude hobbs. We're all here for you mang. Let us know if there's any we can do for you. And for chrissakes come on #fiftychat!

 

[Tigranes]

But I have no friends, no one who cares. I've always been an honest, open person and I don't hide things about myself. Good, bad and ugly, I wear it on my sleeve. And I've even told people point-blank I am depressed and we kind of laugh about it because I turn it into a self-deprecating joke. But I'm really hurting.

Get a tutor ASAP, someone who does it to survive, like I did some heavy tutoring in my graduate years, when my rent was $1050 and my stipend was $1200 and I had 5 people to feed. I would tutor people who would take classes in anything from pre-algebra to statistics to quantum physics for $15-20 (professional companies with jaded tutors did it for 30-40) and often would act as a motivational speaker, because I was interested in my client's success more than him/her in many cases (if he sees his own progress he will keep hiring me). Bring a highly motivated human being into your life. It can be a start of very dynamic intellectual relationship, I've seen attitudes of people to change dramatically, enthusiasm is contagious, plus you see that you are helping someone to survive -- it's a win-win situation. People can even become friends like that.

 

[Hygro]

Ah, yes, important thing there. In some places there is a taboo on taking therapy/counselling/medication etc. Don't think you're a weakling/idiot/unmanly/etc. for doing any of those. If you need help and you can get it you should. It does take much more courage and strength to admit to your problems and solve them than to simply hide it and ‘act tough’. But you can do it.

Oh, and my personal recommendation for a hobby is to take up cooking. Enjoying good food can really improve your general feel and your outlook on life. Ignore HFCS; though.

Agreed, but to go another layer:

It's more manly to take your goddamn pill and get through it than to avoid a solution. Being a man is hell or highwater, which is why showing up in a bright yellow life-vest is O.K.

It's more manly to have to talk to a psychotherapist/do CBT etc and get your shtick together than it is to avoid "crutches". Being a man as about not idly dreaming you're someone kind of hero while the house burns around you and you gotta GTFO and let the firemen do theirs while you do yours.

Let people help you, so you can help them.

Let other people do theirs, helping you, so you can do yours, whatever it may be.

 

[_random_]

]Short of a miracle out of Carlos Hyde[/B], I likely won my fantasy season opener with a pretty hilarious point distribution:

Okay, now in fairness I was basically asking for that, but still...

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This goes beyond my general distaste for the San Fransisco 49ers, even.