What's a better first question to open conversation with a new acquaintance?

[Gori the Grey]

People often make the observation (about USians, at least) that the first question we ask of someone we are meeting for the first time is "What do you do for a living?" (or even just "What do you do?" with "for a living" assumed).

People sometimes suggest that it's regrettable that we use this as our conversation opener:
1) because a person's job is often not the most important or central thing about him or her.
2) because for people who aren't employed, or who do work that the culture doesn't count as a job, answering can be awkward.
3) because its being the go-to question tacitly endorses a capitalist ideology that reduces people to their economic productiveness.
#) you might wish to add other regrettable aspects of this question

Well, then, what would be a better first question to ask?

It should:
A) surface something that is more central about a person than their job, but
B) not be off-puttingly too personal right out of the gate (right?)
*) you might wish to add another standard for what makes a good opening question.

Do you already routinely use some question other than "What do you do?" as the first question you ask of somebody you are meeting for the first time?

 

[EgonSpengler]

Yeah, I hate the "what do you do?" question. Typically, I know something about a new acquaintance. If nothing else, there's some context for how we met. I think "So how do you know [so-and-so]?" is a better generic ice-breaker than "What do you do?" (assuming you met by way of a common acquaintance, obviously).

Even if you're just engaging in small-talk with a stranger, you're in a place, at a time, with an environment, and there's stuff around. The other day, I was in an elevator with a woman and a little boy, and both of them had a stack of new comics, so I struck up a conversation about comics. I once noticed that someone was wearing a baseball cap for a team that's nowhere around here (it was a minor-league team too, even more unusual), so I asked her if she was a fan or just liked the hat. Whatever the case, I find that it's good to be quick to change the subject, the instant the other person doesn't react with any enthusiasm. So whatever your opener is, drop it like it's hot if the other person seems even lukewarm about it.

I like to ask people where they're from, but I find that people who aren't from the U.S. can be nervous, tentative, or outright evasive about answering, so I only ask a new acquaintance that question if they're clearly American. If you have reason to think they have kids, I think most people like to talk about their kids. Or ask them about their dog. Or their car. Or the jacket they're wearing. Or pick a harmless topic that you're interested in and just take a swing. "Have you been watching The Last of Us?" "I read that Wayne Shorter just died." "If you're a fan of monster movies, I just saw a good one." It's a low-odds, high-upside conversation starter, on the off chance you share an interest. If you do, you're off to the races. If they seem anything less than interested, drop it like it's radioactive, and if it was a mundane topic like sports, movies or music, no harm done.

 

[AmazonQueen]

It really depends where I meet the person.
If I meet them at a job fair what do you do or what do you want to do might seem appropriate, but most times I'd do as Egon suggests and go with something specific to the place or the person.

 

[Josu]

Depends on the context.
If it is a leisure meeting, a party, a concert, whatever.. I usually ask if they are enjoying,
Why do they know the person who is introducing us or similar question.

My golden rule is never asking about religion politics or sports team support

 

[Remorseless1]

Back in the olden days (circa 1970s) there was a really good opener many of us used:

"Hey man, got any pot?"

 

[schlaufuchs]

“What do you like to do?”

or

“Where are you from?”

or

“Have you ever done/tried/seen [something interesting or notable I’ve tried or thought about recently]?”

The first question is just supposed to bring the conversation to neutral ground that allows everyone to offer follow-up questions or anecdotes. It’s like “how are you?” or “how’s your day going?” It’s just social a lubricant. The actual question doesn’t matter as long as you achieve the two above conditions.

 

[Gori the Grey]

“What do you like to do?”

After I posted the thread, I posed the question to myself, and I came up with my own version of this (that I'm kind of proud of because it quietly subverts the customary one): if you got a day off your work, what would you do with it?

 

[schlaufuchs]

After I posted the thread, I posed the question to myself, and I came up with my own version of this (that I'm kind of proud of because it quietly subverts the customary one): if you got a day off your work, what would you do with it?

I like my question better (or perhaps even even better: what are you passionate about?). Some people really like their work and spend a lot of time thinking and talking about it. In the same way that it could be alienating and off-putting to an unemployed person to be asked about work, it could be alienating and off-putting to a person who really is passionate about their work to be posed a question that presupposes one’s job is something to be disdained, hidden away, or looked upon shamefully.

For my part, working in a university and having a partner who is a PhD candidate, I run in a lot of academic circles, and most meetups are nonstop excited conversations about research; recent things someone has learned, an interesting paper someone just read, an neat talk someone attended; big picture questions about their field; academia gossip and the like. Most academics *want you* to get them talking about their research or dissertation. It’s what they spend the vast vast majority of their time working on and thinking about, even when they’re “off the clock.”

 

[Birdjaguar]

A lot depends upon how one sees the situation. Is this just a conversation to fill the immediate time and space and the relationship does not have any real future? Do you hope to build an ongoing relationship with this person? Are they male or female? In any case, interacting with their child or pet can make for an easy entry into a conversation. Or one can comment nicely on their attire (I really like your scarf!) or the setting you find yourselves ( Do you come to this park frequently?). You can even ask for help: Do you know any place nearby to get coffee? I think situation based openers are more natural and less perhaps less threatening to the other person.

 

[schlaufuchs]

A lot depends upon how one sees the situation. Is this just a conversation to fill the immediate time and space and the relationship does not have any real future? Do you hope to build an ongoing relationship with this person? Are they male or female? In any case, interacting with their child or pet can make for an easy entry into a conversation. Or one can comment nicely on their attire (I really like your scarf!) or the setting you find yourselves ( Do you come to this park frequently?). You can even ask for help: Do you know any place nearby to get coffee? I think situation based openers are more natural and less perhaps less threatening to the other person.

Also very good suggestions

 

[Synobun]

I either don't engage in small talk or I take a custom approach to the situation and individual. If there's something going on, I bring that up. If there's something that stood out to me about them, I might mention it.

Overall, I wait and see what they do and how they react to being engaged with. I really, really dislike it when someone approaches me with a script, and so I never use one myself. This seems contradictory given that I like knowing what to expect and I don't like dealing with subtext, but scripted introductions and processes for such leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth. (This obviously does not apply if they're a person terrified of social interaction and have to rely on a script. But you can generally notice when it's someone like this and adapt accordingly.)

 

[Kyriakos]

I either don't engage in small talk or I take a custom approach to the situation and individual. If there's something going on, I bring that up. If there's something that stood out to me about them, I might mention it.

Overall, I wait and see what they do and how they react to being engaged with. I really, really dislike it when someone approaches me with a script, and so I never use one myself. This seems contradictory given that I like knowing what to expect and I don't like dealing with subtext, but scripted introductions and processes for such leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth. (This obviously does not apply if they're a person terrified of social interaction and have to rely on a script. But you can generally notice when it's someone like this and adapt accordingly.)

[approaches Syn]
So [clears throat], what do you think of the 3BodyProblem books? ^^

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Asking someone about their interests if you see them wearing or carrying something unusual can backfire. I was waiting for the bus after having bought a book called Dicing With Dragons (a book about British RPGs, by one of the creators of the Fighting Fantasy gamebooks). I'd started reading it immediately, and this girl about maybe 12 walked up and announced, "There's no such thing as dragons!" in a very accusing tone of voice.

Thanks, kid. Really. What a conversation opener. I told her that yes, there are - in the imagination. She didn't get it. It's kinda sad to see a kid whose imagination is stunted at such a young age.


I hate "what do you do (for a living)" or "where do you work" questions. In social situations, being asked that by strangers can translate as "how do you justify your existence?" because some people see the disabled community as parasites who contribute nothing to society.


If someone has a dog or cat with them, the pet will provide a perfect conversation opener. Compliment the pet and the human will likely be more amenable to conversation. But never just touch the pet; always ask permission. Some animals don't like strangers to touch them and some humans don't like strangers to touch their pets. And never, EVER, touch a service dog. They're not pets.

 

[r16]

some 40 years ago it was the first thing in English lessons ... How do you do? / Fine, thanks.

 

[Gori the Grey]

I like my question better (or perhaps even even better: what are you passionate about?).

Yeah, you're probably right. The word "passion," though, might run up against (B) for some people (not academics, no, they stand right ready to tell you what they're passionate about). So it's situational, as many have noted.

I've been mulling it over since I posted. There is one way in which "what do you do for a living?" works. And that is that it asks about something that (unless the new acquaintance is a catburglar or something) is already a publicly-known thing about the person, and therefore he or she doesn't have reservations about being known (and if a catburglar, probably has a practiced lie to tell). Not enough to overcome the disadvantages of 1-3, but probably part of how the stand-by question caught on (aside from capitalist ideology). Also a justification for Bird's comment about a person's scarf.

 

[Lexicus]

I've found that situational conversation-starters are the best approach so there is no one answer to the question.

 

[The_J]

I've gone recently to a lot of speed dating, so I do have to start a lot of conversations.
My 2 go-to questions so far are:
- "Tell me everything about you." This is clearly a joke, since in the described situation we got max 5 minutes. Despite Gori's objection to the topic, most people then actually will start with their job
- "Tell me the most interesting thing about you", or "an interesting thing". This can work fine, but sometimes people then start to think and don't know what to answer , so sometimes I add "or something boring, if you like". (which then often also leads to the job...)

 

[Gori the Grey]

Despite Gori's objection to the topic, most people then actually will start with their job

Maybe for the reason I noted in post 15: it's something you're already comfortable with people knowing about you.

Or maybe because the standby question is so frequent that people get practiced at that as the first thing something will want to know about them.

Or maybe because lots of people do like their jobs, as schlaufuchs said, and those jobs do say something about who they are as a person.

 

[schlaufuchs]

I don’t think those go-to’s are very good, certainly not for speed dating. You have 5 minutes to make a connection and you’re comfortable with spending two of them talking about their job??

I feel like in general any question where they’re going to have to sit and make a bunch of social calculations is going to dead-end pretty fast.

 

[The_J]

I don’t think those go-to’s are very good, certainly not for speed dating. You have 5 minutes to make a connection and you’re comfortable with spending two of them talking about their job??

Might indeed not be the best, that is true. I've not found any better yet .
Job is somewhat relevant in this setting though.