Roll to Dodge: Ludicrous Edition

[hoplitejoe]

Continue making my way to Tibet.

 

[CivCube]

I look around for some aged weed from the past five years. Perhaps they can cause actual mystical effects this time.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

The Choosen One must find New Reno. Or the old Reno. Or just a city.

16: After days of aimless wandering you arrive in Lusaka, Zambia.

Prey to Manannán mac Lir for help.

7: Keep your eurogods out of this continent, filthy colonial!
ROLL TO DODGE!
2: Your séance ritual makes you a more vulnerable target. You suffer 18 damage and ongoing -6 hitpoints from several open wounds.

I do a victory dance as this plays

14: Your self-confidence boosts all your rolls by +1 for the next three turns.

I find a lucky gold 1 troy ounce bar.

9 (8): Finding a gold bar just lying around would be immensely lucky, wouldn't it?

I apologise to Doctor Hax and to make amends, I volunteer at a local hospital and thereby earn the resources needed to heal myself, my nearby existing allies, and anyone nearby who is helping me.

15 (18): You patch yourself, CivGeneral, Terrance and Attlee up 40 hitpoints.

I return to the Lesser Hentaibeast and inform it (him? her?) that my entire supply of Tentacle Grape was stolen from me on my way back, and point it (him? her?) in the direction of the shopkeeper, claiming that that was the theif.

10: You've barely dragged yourself out of the shop when the police arrive.
ROLL TO DODGE!
8: You're handcuffed and thrown into the back of a prisoner van.

I shall attempt to arrange a meeting with top Russian scientists to get these music legends out of limbo.

10: None of their schedules are free.

I run screaming through the streets, crying manly tears while screaming "THERES NO PLACE LIKE HOME THERES NO PLACE LIKE HOME" in an attempt to get myself back to the real world. I also thank the great god Thorvarld that he didn't send me to Draka-verse.

(Well I can't be too brutal to new players... )

2: You do a remarkable job of drawing attention from all factions.
ROLL TO DODGE!
11: Miraculously you continue to dodge them all.

I try to intimidate some hospital people to fixing me good as new.

10 (6): You don't even know where the hospital is.

I establish a divine snek empire

11: You found the Temple of the Divine Hiss. You don't actually have a temple or followers, but hey, gotta leave something for the stretch goals...

I'll help Dhoomstriker, as well as offering my regenerating tissue samples to further medical research/bribe them into healing us.

For Greater Mexico!

12: Both you and Dhoomstriker gain an additional +1 hp/turn.

Continue making my way to Tibet.

10 (11): You dodge the Chinese checkpoints and sneak into Tibet.

I look around for some aged weed from the past five years. Perhaps they can cause actual mystical effects this time.

14: The undocumented benefits of inhaling psychedelic drugs cure you of the negative effects of your radioactive biology, gaining a +1 to all rolls instead.

Ion cannon strike on landlubber! A moment of silence, please.

 

[gay_Aleks]

That's not California! We need to go back to California! There's an oil rig we need to blow up!

 

[NinjaCow64]

I think that if you can't get to the target then execute them, then why don't you bring the target to you? Using my newly discovered interdimensional powers, I summon the player with the second lowest amount of health and use them to distract the growing mobs of badly-written dystopian policemen while I hide somewhere.

 

[CivCube]

I launch a new superscience initiative for my city, advertising for geniuses from near and far.

 

[Ailedhoo]

Try to invoke the dark powers: call forth the Necromancer powers so that once the bandits slay me I will rise again as a skeletal lich.

 

[Omega124]

With my new found self confidence, I start singing the Internationale on the streets to rally people to stand in solidarity with me against Christos

 

[hoplitejoe]

I ask some local monks if they know of Horace's location.

 

[Dhoomstriker]

In between volunteer hospital shifts, I study academic medical journals in the hospital's break room on the subject of molecular biology.

 

[Kinich-Ahau]

I take advantage of my -1 SAN to drive the officers who arrested me insane.

 

[Seon]

I intimidate a passerby into telling me where the hospital is. Or else i'll bleed on them.

 

[Terrance888]

I seek to unlock more useful aspects of my alien biology in this safe and friendly environment.

 

[Thorvald of Lym]

That's not California! We need to go back to California! There's an oil rig we need to blow up!

5: The police hear "blow up" and "oil rig" and move to detain you for questioning.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1: Like the grizzled survivalist you are, you respond by trying to beat them up. Unfortunately you're outnumbered, outgunned, and outmanoeuvred. A mix of Taser shocks and beatings pacify 21 hitpoints as you're chained and shackled and thrown into a prisoner van.

I think that if you can't get to the target then execute them, then why don't you bring the target to you? Using my newly discovered interdimensional powers, I summon the player with the second lowest amount of health and use them to distract the growing mobs of badly-written dystopian policemen while I hide somewhere.

8: You contort your face into hilarious expressions, but you're unable to reactivate the wormhole. Meanwhile, assorted factions scour the area.
ROLL TO DODGE!
1: A pack of fascists catches you from behind and pumps you -26 hitpoints' worth of lead.

I launch a new superscience initiative for my city, advertising for geniuses from near and far.

15 (16): You establish an international science convention attracting bigheads from every corner that generates 5 each turn.

Try to invoke the dark powers: call forth the Necromancer powers so that once the bandits slay me I will rise again as a skeletal lich.

6: You can keep your filthy eurofantasy to yourself, for that matter.
ROLL TO DODGE!
17: You backflip off the jeep, roundhouse-kicking one of the brigands and stealing his crowbar.

With my new found self confidence, I start singing the Internationale on the streets to rally people to stand in solidarity with me against Christos

20 (20): The town erupts in riotous cheers. By which I mean, a literal riot.

I ask some local monks if they know of Horace's location.

8 (9): You don't see any monks, though there's a suspiciously large number of Chinese police in these temples.

In between volunteer hospital shifts, I study academic medical journals in the hospital's break room on the subject of molecular biology.

20 (20): You develop a holistic approach to treating a common yet serious ailment which you patent for a healthy profit of $785.

I take advantage of my -1 SAN to drive the officers who arrested me insane.

10 (9): Using insanity to logical advantage is pretty insane indeed, but doesn't skirt the penalty. The doors slam shut and you feel the van moving.

I intimidate a passerby into telling me where the hospital is. Or else i'll bleed on them.

8 (6): You manage to antagonize a passing lion.
ROLL TO DODGE!
7 (5): Dizzy from the concussion, you can't stop it slashing 12 hitpoints out of you.

I seek to unlock more useful aspects of my alien biology in this safe and friendly environment.

12: You discover your skin has adapted to constant bludgeoning, and your physical defence has increased by 1 point.

Red_Spy, CivGeneral and SouthernKing are declared AWOL.
Ion cannon strike on Seon! Hope you don't have money riding...

 

[SouthernKing]

I begin spreading my missionaries throughout the lands

 

[gay_Aleks]

Use the CO's Speech skill which he tagged (ha, so much for being a total dump skill which I should have forsaken for Energy Weapons! Who's the winner now, ya bloody tribal?) to politely explain that there has been a misunderstanding. With simple, clear words. And don't appear violent. Be weak. Yes. You heard me. They won't tase a poor old woman, although you're neither poor or old, but you can surely try to play in with your female beauty.

I mean, you knew that you picked a redheaded CO all from the start, no?

 

[NinjaCow64]

I sigh at having to waste valuable Brotherhood equipment on unimportant targets and then unload a laser barrage on the Fascists and kill them all, like this. This expends one battery unfortunately.

 

[Kinich-Ahau]

Open another portal in the van & dive through.

 

[GenMarshall]

I partake in studying within the break room of the hospital to learn to improve my confidence.

 

[Terrance888]

I try to use my better understanding of my new alien body to close the big bleeding would I have.