[RD] Don’t Stay with Partners who Don’t Take Responsibility for their Mental Health

[Narz]

So you would only want a relationship with a woman who wouldn't mind if you cheated on her (disability is irrelevant to this question)???

I take it you're okay if the woman cheats on you, then?

It's not cheating if it's an open relationship.

My relationship is monogamous right now but working towards it being open once more trust is built (no falling in love and partner has to be top priority)

The way the scenario was presented was that the partner becoming disabled would then allow him to seek sex outside the relationship.

I don't understand why a disability should change one's expectation of faithfulness. Being disabled doesn't eliminate one's right to expect their partner to remain faithful. If that's not acceptable, the partner should leave. Not try to make the disabled person the villain by trying to say that not letting you stray is them not wanting you to be happy.

You're projecting as usual, no one's talking about villainizing anyone.

If I lost sexual function I'd want to make sure my partner was fully satisfied even if I had to allow her to make choices that would hurt my ego.

It sounds noble to be abstinent out of love but I'm suspect of nobility, those who claim to be noble are usually full of resentment.

 

[metalhead]

Just because you think you would do it doesn't mean it's fair to expect it from someone else. Nor is it loving to sacrifice your own sense of self to please another person. That sounds much more akin to dependence than love.

It's not noble to stay with someone who becomes disabled, and continue to honor their wishes with regards to fidelity. That's simply called having a healthy, loving relationship.

But it's not up to your partner to set their expectations to where you would want them to be, she should set them where she wants them and then it's up to you to decide if you want the same thing. Which in turn is going to depend on what you value in the relationship, and how much.

 

[Jabarto]

If you feel the need to dump your partner instead of helping them to get the help they need, there really wasn't much there to start with, was there?

Counterpoint: if there's no point at which you feel willing or able to say to someone, "your behavior as it pertains to me is not acceptable, and if it doesn't stop then I can't be with you", your relationship is probably not a healthy one.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

It's not cheating if it's an open relationship.

My relationship is monogamous right now but working towards it being open once more trust is built (no falling in love and partner has to be top priority)

I knew a couple who had that sort of open relationship. I'm not sure just what happened - but things didn't end well. These people were prominent among the SCA aristocracy some 25 years ago, and all over the district, people felt free to weigh in with their opinions. I was asked which of them I felt was in the wrong, and I just said that I wasn't taking sides. They were both very nice people, had behaved with courtesy and chivalry to me, and what happened with their RL marriage was none of my business.

As for not falling in love with someone not your official partner... how could you possibly control that? I suspect that's what happened in the example I just gave - that one of them fell in love with someone else who wasn't their spouse.

 

[Narz]

I knew a couple who had that sort of open relationship. I'm not sure just what happened - but things didn't end well.

Like most "normal" relationships. 90+% of relationships dissolve and over 50% of marriages. Since the odds are against us all may as well explore what we really want.

As for not falling in love with someone not your official partner... how could you possibly control that?

It's a good question... I suppose if I felt it happening I could detach... but Im not sure I'd want to. It's touchy and hence it's all theory and no practice right now.

 

[Narz]

Just because you think you would do it doesn't mean it's fair to expect it from someone else.

I haz opinions, you can haz opinions. Fortunately we're not in a relationship so we don't have to agree on anything. Cheers

 

[Lemon Merchant]

Counterpoint: if there's no point at which you feel willing or able to say to someone, "your behavior as it pertains to me is not acceptable, and if it doesn't stop then I can't be with you", your relationship is probably not a healthy one.

I agree with your counterpoint. Of course everyone has a breaking point where they have to draw the line, or drift into co-dependence. I'll be honest, I was close to that point at the end of my situation.

The point that I was speaking against was the (sometimes) cavalier attitude of some of the posters in this thread stating that if their partner becomes ill, the answer is just to dump him/her, as though people are disposable. If your partner is indeed disposable, you never had much to start with, IMO. I've been in that exact position/situation and I know it isn't easy to just throw someone away like last night's garbage. If you're just there for the sex or for laughs or the relationship is one that might not be serious, then yes, it's easier to move along and avoid the drama. But if you really love and care for someone, it's extremely hard to just ditch them and find someone else. At some point, you may reach the decision where you have to move on, but there is a lot of agony and soul searching that goes on before hand. I know. I've been through it, and it isn't pleasant.

 

[Jabarto]

I agree with your counterpoint. Of course everyone has a breaking point where they have to draw the line, or drift into co-dependence. I'll be honest, I was close to that point at the end of my situation.

The point that I was speaking against was the (sometimes) cavalier attitude of some of the posters in this thread stating that if their partner becomes ill, the answer is just to dump him/her, as though people are disposable. If your partner is indeed disposable, you never had much to start with, IMO. I've been in that exact position/situation and I know it isn't easy to just throw someone away like last night's garbage. If you're just there for the sex or for laughs or the relationship is one that might not be serious, then yes, it's easier to move along and avoid the drama. But if you really love and care for someone, it's extremely hard to just ditch them and find someone else. At some point, you may reach the decision where you have to move on, but there is a lot of agony and soul searching that goes on before hand. I know. I've been through it, and it isn't pleasant.

That's fair and not the interpretation I got at first, I apologize. I think I was mentally framing the issue differently than you were, but I don't think we actually disagree with eachother from the sound of it.

 

[Disgustipated]

If your romantic partner has a mental health problem and isn’t taking responsibility for her mental health then you should break up with her.

Sexist to assume it's the woman with the mental problem? Men have mental health problems nearly as much. Although I believe women have slightly higher incidences of it, but mostly it's because of the bad things men do to women.

I was with an untreated bipolar person. Very unstable relationship. But we sure did have lots of makeup sex. And like the Seinfeld episode goes, it really is great sex. The sex in general was great, but not as consistent as you can imagine. Anyways, I stayed with her as long as I was able to. Most "experts" like the OP of this thread say not to. But I had some great times with her (not just the sex which was fantastic) I wouldn't have otherwise had if I broken up with her.

Now I can't find a single woman to go out with me. I even tried Tinder and not a single swipe right. So I'm glad I stuck with it as long as I did with her. It will be my only experience of love in this lifetime.