Trump's distressing level of appeal has to do with the dynamic I sketched a while back in a post that was probably tl: two meanings of the word racist.
"Racist" used to mean that you are violent to or hate people of a different racial group.
It has come to mean "perpetuating societal systems that advantage one race and disadvantage another."
Let's say that insisting that a child use a fork is racist under that second definition, as Joshna Maharaj suggests. When you tell the average person that he is racist for insisting that his child eats with a fork, he thinks you are saying that he is violent toward people of a different race. He feels falsely accused and outraged against the accuser.
I already somewhat disputed a part of your reasoning, and I feel I have to do it again. As it's a concrete example, it'll be a bit easier to try to convey the nuance.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems that your argument is that two people have different definition of "racism", and as such each one is using their own (more encompassing and based on how behaviour tend to perpetuate general societal structure) definition, and the other feels hurt because their own definition (about violence and hate) doesn't cover the case, hence leading to resentment. Basically, you describe a case where someone feels wounded by a honest description about what he's doing, because the description evokes something different in his mind.
I simply don't see it like that, for a number of reasons. I'll take this example as a basis, which can be extrapolated to more general cases as the process is the same :
- First, keeping the same word to express a different idea is not innocent. It's deliberate manipulation, trying to keep the negative emotional load from the first to make people feel guilt over issues which are, actually, NOT relevant to said emotional load. You're painting a case of two people having an honest misunderstanding, while it's not a misundertanding at all - the confusion is a feature, not a bug.
Attempt to emotionally trick someone is going to cause resentment.
- Second the amalgam between "teaching table manners" and "colonialism" is just idiotic. Both are completely unrelated, table manners are just local mores. They exist since eating at a table exist, they didn't wait until colonisation. More generally, lots of "racist" descriptions fall into this exact pattern, of taking something which is totally unrelated, and somehow linking it, in a complete non sequitur, to some ismphobia.
This doesn't cause people to feel wounded by a different interpretation. This cause people to get bewildered by how absurd and nonsensical the "reasoning" is. This causes contempt, not hurt.
- Third, the person basically feels entitled to tell native people that they have no legitimacy to teach their own mores from their own culture while being in their own country to their own children. I have a hard time to convey just how incredibly arrogant and out of place it is, especially when it paints itself about being considerate of others culture - it's trying to dictate the natives about how they should yield to a foreign culture, in their home country, all the while complaining about colonization. I brushed this point previously when I pointed to you that you didn't seem to treat the pertinence and legitimacy of the ideology, and this one is a pretty stark example.
Again, this doesn't cause a feeling of hurt through honest misunderstanding. It causes anger through arrogance, misplaced entitlement and hypocrisy.
- Fourth and finally, there is the degree of control inherent here. It's about trying to shame people into changing the basics of social behaviours. We're back to the point where it was said that's the self-righteous busybody trying to dictate how you live your life. The exact equivalent of the moral guardian of the previous century, that were trying to control what happened in your bedroom - except this was them then (and it's still them now when it comes to bedrooms, TBH), but it's also you now on the other side.
Here again, it's not difference in definitions that makes one feels wounded. It's reaction to trying to be controlled by someone else. It's fighting back, not feeling insulted.
As you can see, none of all this is actually relevant to actual racism - not even the abusively modified definition. Everything here that causes a rejection, is due to
behaviour, be it about deceptiveness, arrogance, intrusiveness or idiocy.
Of course there also definitely is also the clash about bona fide racism (though even then, it's often less "black and white" than some would like to pretend it is), but I was interested in adding the nuances that you overlooked. And there is also still the significant pillar that the whole "structural racism" argument is not necessarily "true" not "pertinent", at least not in the way it's used.