My curling team won, eleven to two. I must say, I'm very proud especially in face of all the trials and tribulations I've faced on this team. They're trials that men greater than I would've failed against, and I feel like they've made me stronger and better.
In Raleigh, there are two curling clubs - the Yankees and the Canadians. Of course, neither of them liked me at first, and each for separate reasons.
The Canadians told me, "You're an American, you cannot possibly be good enough for our prestigious club. We accept that Americans will be better swimmers than us, certainly, and they will always be our better in Basketball, but in Curling we have no equal in North America. Do you know who won the Curling title in our last Olympic Games?" They asked me.
I told them I did not, although I searched online later and discovered the Japanese won the last Curling title.
"It was us," the Canadians said, "and we won because Curling runs thick in our blood and our traditions. Do you know how the American team is chosen to represent their country at the Games? They ask all the Curling teams in New York and Washington and whoever can pay the most money becomes the American Curling team at the Games. In Canada, we do something much more refined, fair, and extensive to find our team, and as a result our teams are a thousand times better than any team America has ever pulled together, or ever will. We have a tournament with each team playing three times for the first round, and then they play three more times for the second round, and then there are seven more rounds afterwards! And this only to find our Curling team! And so you must understand why Canadians will always be better than Americans at Curling, and this you must accept with dignity."
The Yankees had quite a different attitude. "You're a Southerner," They told me, "and as a Southerner you cannot be expected to understand the rich and noble tradition of Curling. In our native New England, each year we get ten inches of snow, if we're lucky, and our lakes in our picturesque New England towns get frozen to the core, so that even the fish stop swimming as they freeze all winter. On these lakes we Curl, and we Curl so that we understand the game to its very bones. Here even if a lake freezes, you cannot curl on it because the ice would break, and so a Southerner would not be able to curl like a Yankee would be able to, and for this we do not think you would be good enough for our team."
You must imagine, why would I want to Curl if I was treated as such by these arrogant butts? Because I love Curling, I would tell you, and I would do anything to play. I offered the Canadian club twice the normal amount of money to play on their team (I ended paying forty dollars a week, Heavens above, what cash!) and they accepted, for what Canadian would not lower their standards for money? Being from an impoverished nation, Canadians would prostitute everything they hold dear for a couple dollars. I chose the Canadian team because even though I understand the customs of the Yankees better, and I know that when they do not look at me and smile I understand it's because they were raised that way and not because they try to offend, the Canadians play on Sunday and the Yankees play on Friday, and I would sooner give up Sunday than Friday.
Anyways, I have stories of how the Canadians treated me with disgust (for I even look different than they, having tan skin and the Canadians thinking ivory skin the epitome of attractiveness) and how they harassed me, the American teen, playing Curling, but I showed them, didn't I! My team I pulled to victory (for I did pull them to victory, none of them are very good and I am a great Curler, I saw without a trace of modesty) and you should've seen their faces! Their mouths were perfect O's, I do say! And they showered with apologies, for they did not believe in me, and I accepted all with grace, for not to do so would be un-Southern, and I must show how civilized my race is. And this is why I am happy, that I can rise above tribulation of the highest degree to become a master Curler.