Random thoughts 1: Just Sayin'

[Synobun]

I would 'disqualify' number one automatically for the crass behaviour. That's less a 'streak' and more an indicator that they view the world from behind a cruel lens. No physical attractiveness can overrule that in a relationship (unless cruelty is something you're okay with, which it seems like you're not since it's a con).

I would also disqualify number three if you're not interested in entering a relationship with someone who has a kid. For people in that position, you're usually "in it to win it" and if this is your first relationship that might not be a great thing to walk into when there's a kid's welfare involved. Of course, that flies out the window if you fall in love with her.

 

[GoodEnoughForMe]

Life is way easier being depressed and alone as opposed to depressed and with people.

 

[cardgame]

Eventually woman number one will turn on you or your friends.

 

[GoodEnoughForMe]

The weird thing about girl one is she's politically progressive and very pro LGBTQ and stuff, so I think she just... I don't know. She has no filter. She's also the youngest of the three and I almost feel like she has some growing up to do a bit still (she's 21).

 

[bernie14]

Life is way easier being depressed and alone as opposed to depressed and with people.

then why are you looking for a relationship?

 

[Valka D'Ur]

The weird thing about girl one is she's politically progressive and very pro LGBTQ and stuff, so I think she just... I don't know. She has no filter. She's also the youngest of the three and I almost feel like she has some growing up to do a bit still (she's 21).

She can't be that pro LGBTQ if she uses a derogatory word to describe transgender people.

then why are you looking for a relationship?

Easier doesn't necessarily equate to more fulfilling.


I asked about the kids, partly because I've had decades' worth of being the "kid" part of the equation when my parents started seeing other people (and marrying one of them, as my mother did). I know what it's like to be the kid and wondering if this new guy would end up as my stepfather, or if he was just one more temporary boyfriend she had for awhile. It was the same with my dad, but took on more importance since he had legal custody, and therefore his personal life had an impact on mine until I was 18.

 

[The_J]

If you don't know...how should we know?
I know that something is working if time just flies. If talking goes easy. If it's fun and you're looking forward to meeting this person.
If you don't have that with any, then probably neither is a good fit. If you have it with all of them...well...and you can't decide, then it's probably best to spend a bit more time together.

Personally, I'd also go with what Vincour said.
Kids are too complicated in this situation.
I'd try to probe #1 a bit on the issue (figuratively ^^).

 

[GoodEnoughForMe]

then why are you looking for a relationship?

I was joking kind of. I like having friends. I miss it.

 

[bernie14]

I was joking kind of. I like having friends. I miss it.

GOOD!! don’t discount any of them (unless there are very obvious reasons to YOU for doing so)....and don’t start playing "statistics to predict my future", cuz smart, pessimists/"realists", introverts with shaky self esteem can easily (statistically) sabotage themselves with very little input from the significant other.....your life and future is UNIQUE. nothing has to be done by script, so any suggestion hat ANYONE gives you is just for your consideration.... girl one, the 21 y/o..., your 28 right?....you make her sound to me like a little firecracker, no? seems ok to have some reservations about her personality.....IF (AND THIS IS A BIG IF) sex is something you really want to explore in a relationship, you might want to be a little more vigorous/exploring this aspect of the relationship...if things don't work out, well, you guys were not compatible in various areas and you have nothing to feel bad about...IF sex is GREAT, be careful it does not become a drug/an easy way to be manipulated in a bad relationship, the girl is 21, does she really want to settle down?, do you want to settle down? do you want to think that far ahead?....girl 2.....to little info....if she is planning to leave and attachments are very unlikely, might consider a friends with benefits scenario.....who knows what will happen in the next 5-10 years? girl 3....sounds like more commitment, that can be VERY good or VERY bad, and VERY, VERY personal.....this is the person whom I would take LEAST advice from others because everyone else is going to give you some personal story about how they know someone and how everything worked out so great or so disastrous....you and her are none of those people....but you really have to have good communication skills for that relationship to succeed.

btw, which was the one you went out with on 6/21?...you seemed very upbeat and even cleaned your room!!!

 

[Farm Boy]

She can't be that pro LGBTQ if she uses a derogatory word to describe transgender people.

Eeeehhhh. She's 21. I'm still excising words from my speech patterns in my mid 30s. They crop back up depending on the company and context. How they're used, not what they are, matters more. But one should pay attention, yes. Just wishing gross people were gone is a spock-eyebrow joke. Might be a one-off, might be rue, might be real.

Kids are kids GoodEnough. I wouldn't rule somebody out because he/she has them, but understand it changes the dynamic. You're going to have to like the kids if you're going to successfully like her. You date the family, kinda sorta. At best, you're a life-partner, a fellow traveller. Her kids are her kids. Nobody is going to outrank that for one, and if one manages to, it's a good sign one should book it. High point, you can learn a lot about somebody from how they deal with their kids. And kids a hilarious. And terrible. It's understandable if it's too much when you're a young man. It's understandable, and normal, if you're cool with it too. Gets nothing but more common/normal the longer it goes, fair warning.

 

[cardgame]

The weird thing about girl one is she's politically progressive and very pro LGBTQ and stuff, so I think she just... I don't know. She has no filter. She's also the youngest of the three and I almost feel like she has some growing up to do a bit still (she's 21).

I'm struggling to come up with the correct terminology here, but it sounds like she's one of those people who just pick up on the politics of those around them without considering it on the merits. I feel like If she came about those progressive views honestly, she wouldn't be cruel.

 

[metatron]

Girl one:

Pros: hilarious
really hot and sensual and touchy
assertive and take charge and will tell me bluntly and honestly (she's super honest and upfront) what's on her mind or whatever
Cons: calls transgender folks trannies
once said "midgets" are gross and should be aborted
this all concerns me a bit that she has a mean/judgemental streak

I would be more concerned about the "midget" situation. You may not see it that way. But there are significant diffences between the various classes of people someone of your persuasion might file as transsexual.

The more elemental point being: Have you asked her about it?
Like, just ask her: "If you were feeling like XYZ, what would you do? And how would you expect people to treat you?"
With that answer you'll know.

PS:
Being such a vile cynic, i feel this files here.

 

[sophie]

Girl one:

Pros: hilarious
really hot and sensual and touchy
assertive and take charge and will tell me bluntly and honestly (she's super honest and upfront) what's on her mind or whatever
Cons: calls transgender folks trannies
once said "midgets" are gross and should be aborted
this all concerns me a bit that she has a mean/judgemental streak

Ew. No. Pass. Mega pass.

Girl 2

Pros: seems really nice so far and super easy to talk to

Cons: i dunno we've only met once for like 90 minutes. In all honesty I don't know her much.
She wants to leave Kalamazoo within the next couple years so there's probably a cap on a relationship

The quick and dirty rule of thumb with dating is to not think ahead in regards to the relationship longer than the relationship itself. That is: don't go buying tickets for two for a concert 8 months from now when you've only been together for 2 months.

You've been on one date, and you don't even know if she's down to go on another, and you're already thinking "the next couple years" down the line. Did you like date 1? If yes, hit her up for date #2. You don't know what she is looking for, and it's not entirely clear you know what you're looking for. Some things to keep in mind:

1) Not every relationship needs to entertain the possibility of lifelong partnership. Relationships can have expiration dates, and can be entered into with both parties thinking that's totally fine.
2) "a couple years" is quite a long time for a relationship. Refer to point 1 re: planning ahead. 2 years is time enough for you to: date, have the talk, have a honeymoon period, do some cool <snip>, be absolutely certain you're going to get married, and then have a falling out and realize you two actually have exactly zero things in common. Hell, I've done all that in 6 months.
3) "a couple years" is a looooooooooooooooooooooooongass time for a relationship that hasn't even gotten off the ground yet. Even assuming you guys go on more dates and eventually end up as a steady couple. You have no idea where you two'll be two years down the line. Maybe she's into life with you enough to reconsider moving. Maybe you're into life with her enough to consider following her wherever she goes. You never know. That's why you don't plan that far ahead this early in. It's a classic rookie mistake. Just take things as they come, and when it comes time to discuss "us" plans you can bring those sorts of concerns up. But one 90 minute date is waaaaaaaaay too early to be thinking about that kind of stuff. At this time your sole criterion should be "does she do dealbreaker <snip> like say "tranny" or "midget"

Girl 3

Pros: Super compassionate
Has more in common with me than any of the other two and it's not even close (anxiety? check. similar music taste? check. we hit it off immediately and could commiserate about so much because we had the exact same struggles and thought processes)
Really similar life values and morals and stuff regarding honesty, accepting people from all walks of life, etc.
Our first date lasted almost 6 hours lol
The prettiest one

Cons

The whammy of all whammies. She has kids.

Refer to Girl 2. It's way way way WAY too early in to be thinking on those terms. Do you think she doesn't know she has kids? Do you think she hasn't been through this rigamarole before? You've been on one(?) date with this woman. You have zero idea what her intentions or expectations are. Maybe mama just needs to get her rocks off. Maybe she's just looking for someone she can do fun stuff casually with and not have to think about her kids for a couple hours. Then again, maybe she's looking for someone to be her kids' new daddy. Or maybe she has no idea what she's doing and is just playing by ear and is adjusting as she goes along. Point is, it's not for you to decide. You've been on ONE(?) date. Right now your primary concern should be general compatibility questions: "do you find her attractive?" "do you have things in common you can do together?" "are you mutually agreeable?" "are there any glaring, horrifying dealbreakers that are going to make future interactions intolerable?". Leave her to decide when and if she wants to bring her kids into the picture, and at that point it's to you to decide if you want her kids to be a part of your relationship. And if you don't, at that point it's for her to decide if that's acceptable or not. But I'm sure, as a single mother who is actively putting herself out on the dating scene, it's something she's fairly well used to, and the kids question isn't generally something she even so much as considers before the DTR point, if even by then.

TL;DR: DON'T OVERTHINK IT! Did you have a good time? If yes, ask for date #2. If no, move on. The logistical stuff is for the DTR.

The main thing with dating is to be clear to yourself what you're looking for. What are your goals and expectations? Are you looking for a life partner? Something long-term? Casual? A <snip>? Casual with the potential to turn into long-term? Something more complicated than that? It's important to be clear to yourself what you want, so that you can be up front with dates about what you're looking for and so you can set yourself up with high chance for success when looking for potential partners.

From there the important point is to hold yourself to those goals and not get desperate and settle for something that is simply not going to work. Like yes it sucks when you're struggling to even get a single date with a single girl. But THE WORST thing is to see a girl, think you're having a super great connection, and then find out after 2 weeks that she's just looking for a casual hookup, or that she's moving out of state in 3 months, or that she's looking for a life partner and comes on WAY stronger than you're prepared to deal with. Or be super horny, tell yourself you can make it work with the wacko evangelical Trump supporter, only to realize 2 months in that, LOL NO I CANT DO THIS, and set yourself up for a WAY messier break-up than it would have been if you'd simply slow faded and moved on after the first date.

Moderator Action: Infractible language removed. ~ Arakhor
Please read the forum rules: http://forums.civfanatics.com/showthread.php?t=422889

 

[Hrothbern]

I leave it up to you to decide who I should go with, mess up, and then regret everything.

I would not bother too much with regretting.
If you are keen enough in remembering the good things, the things you learned, how you developed yourself..... you balance that regretting in most cases anyway.

You are young, and how you move on with yourself, and with yourself in a relation (a different animal), is what you are going to find out as you move along and expose yourself.
If you feel comfortable with being yourself in the relation, and she the same.... you have a start.
Breath, walk and enjoy

 

[bernie14]

The main thing with dating is to be clear to yourself what you're looking for. What are your goals and expectations? Are you looking for a life partner? Something long-term? Casual? A ****buddy? Casual with the potential to turn into long-term? Something more complicated than that? It's important to be clear to yourself what you want, so that you can be up front with dates about what you're looking for and so you can set yourself up with high chance for success when looking for potential partners.

not sure if I am reading this right but are you recommending that he have preconceived notions as to what he wants and expects out of a relationship?????

From there the important point is to hold yourself to those goals and not get desperate and settle for something that is simply not going to work. Like yes it sucks when you're struggling to even get a single date with a single girl. But THE WORST thing is to see a girl, think you're having a super great connection, and then find out after 2 weeks that she's just looking for a casual hookup, or that she's moving out of state in 3 months, or that she's looking for a life partner and comes on WAY stronger than you're prepared to deal with. Or be super horny, tell yourself you can make it work with the wacko evangelical Trump supporter, only to realize 2 months in that, LOL NO I CANT DO THIS, and set yourself up for a WAY messier break-up than it would have been if you'd simply slow faded and moved on after the first date.

WHYYYY??? is he looking for a relationship or does he want to talk to himself in front of a mirror??

 

[Valka D'Ur]

not sure if I am reading this right but are you recommending that he have preconceived notions as to what he wants and expects out of a relationship?????



WHYYYY??? is he looking for a relationship or does he want to talk to himself in front of a mirror??

I think that Owen is recommending not building the relationship up too far, too fast and letting hypotheticals get in the way of what's actually going on. I think most of us who have posted about this agree that the first woman sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and the one with the kids could go in any direction.

Of course we're not the people in this situation so we really can't say, "You must do this (whatever "this" is)". But taking it slow and not letting expectations and what-ifs overwhelm what is actually happening in the present is good advice.

 

[bernie14]

I think that Owen is recommending not building the relationship up too far, too fast and letting hypotheticals get in the way of what's actually going on. I think most of us who have posted about this agree that the first woman sounds like a disaster waiting to happen and the one with the kids could go in any direction.

Of course we're not the people in this situation so we really can't say, "You must do this (whatever "this" is)". But taking it slow and not letting expectations and what-ifs overwhelm what is actually happening in the present is good advice.

how is ....."It's important to be clear to yourself what you want, so that you can be up front with dates about what you're looking for"..... not letting hypotheticals get in the way of what's actually going on?

 

[Synobun]

how is ....."It's important to be clear to yourself what you want, so that you can be up front with dates about what you're looking for"..... not letting hypotheticals get in the way of what's actually going on?

Don't go to a vegan restaurant if you're really looking to have a nice steak.

 

[Farm Boy]

...the first woman sounds like a disaster waiting to happen...

They all are!

 

[bernie14]

Don't go to a vegan restaurant if you're really looking to have a nice steak.

when you are hungry, you should consider all sorts of meals....you might actually end up loving vegan