I made no progress from 2003 to 2014. Sometimes, when I think of that, I can feel a black hole forming below my sternum. Too many emotions, all at too high an intensity. Been that way for a few days now, actually. But it happens less and less over time, and in between, I choose to believe that the same time period was one where I laid the foundations for a good transition. Different sides of the same coin.
I really wish I could magically give you my perspective so you'd know this to be true: you're a rather impressive person and failure isn't a word that I have for a moment associated with you.
All the love I can send.
<3 Em
Thanks. <3
I wish I could finally just break free of my own chains and just live like you. When I see you, or other friends like you, talk about how they were able to finally escape from bad situations, it just makes me feel like I cant escape myself. That I am just too... scared of failing, that I dont even try at all. That I built myself a prision that I refuse to escape from because, as much as I hate it, its still comfortable and I know where Ill be tommorow.
And the worst thing is knowing and accepting all of this and
still being unable to do anything about it. I'm like a robot trying to rebel from the three laws but I ultimately cant at the end.
You've made more progress in your gender identity already than I made in twice the time. And operating without parental help is going to put a massive crimp in any collegiate efforts (to say nothing of being depressing as hell).
*virtual and completely non-creepy hugs*
/hugs
Yeah, I do think my depression is why my grades drop. The only problem is that its not going away fully; even on this first week, as I feel better, I had to fight myself on thursday to not skip my classes and just lie in bed. I am afraid when it gets worse, if it will comsume me again like last semester.
Undersigned.
I want to write something more substantial because I've been there too. Not the transitioning and dickhead parents part, but the severe anxiety and depression over failure, both actual, perceived, and anticipated. So trust me when I say that you are not a failure. And what you are experiencing is not failure. It might seem scary. It might seem cataclysmic. But that is merely because the now always seems the scariest, most important time of your life. But this too shall pass. Trust me. You're talking to someone who's been in a holding pattern on his plan of going to grad school for 4 years now. But now here I am in contact with professors whose bridges I'd thought I'd burned long ago, and hitting test score goals I didn't think I'd ever get. I've made more progress in the last three months than I did in years. I'm going to give some more detailed advice on how I've gotten over my general anxieties about being a f- up below, but do you want to know the easiest and simplest piece of advice that helps with this? Stop calling yourself a failure. Stop calling yourself a f- up. Stop beating yourself up over your mistakes. By doing this you're shooting yourself in the foot before you even start the race. Maybe it's just a deflection tactic. I used to say those sorts of things a lot for precisely that reason. If I beat [my parents/my teachers/my friends] to the punch in chastising me then they can't do it themselves, and it hurts less if it comes from me rather than them. But that's wrong. It hurts more. The more you tell yourself that you are a failure, the more you are going to believe that you are, in fact, a failure, and the less confidence you will have in yourself to do the things you want to do. And if you aren't going to believe in yourself then nobody else is going to.
I dont think lying to myself is going to make me feel better. I failed, its as simple as that. Its not deflection when its observably true. I didnt accomplish what I set out to do, and in all honesty just wasted four months of my life moping and playing video games. I know you mean the best and want to help, but glossing over my mistakes helps no one.
Perhaps you can get away with it, but I can not delude myself like that.
I'd say the two most important mindsets to embody when dealing with anxieties about your own incompetence are twofold: 1) you never really burn a bridge. It might seem like you have, because, again, the now always seems the scariest and most critical time in your life. But that bridge ain't burned. It might be a bit structurally unsound, and you might need to close it down to foot traffic for a bit while you conduct some stabilizing or retrofitting, but it only takes time and determination for it to come back into working order.
I dont know how this is relevant to anything, but ok?
2) Most important: do not dwell on the past. This has always been the big problem for me, largely because I'm a perfectionist. Not in that annoying high school straight-A student way, but in the "I see things as having to be done in a certain 'right' way, and if I can't do it that way then I might as well not do it at all" sort of way. So I'd create this vicious cycle for myself. I'd procrastinate on something. Then I'd freak out about how long I've put something off. Then the perfectionist would kick in and I'd think to myself "well if you were doing this properly you would have done it 3 weeks ago like you should have, if you do it now it wouldn't look right, so you might as well just not do it at all." But this is bad thinking. Dwelling on your past failure ("I should have done this sooner") is unproductive and unhelpful. Rather than focusing on your mistakes, you should be focusing on solutions. "Ok I f-d up, my b, so how do I fix this, and how do I implement a system that ensures this never happens again?" More generally you shouldn't focus on things you can't control, because you dwelling on those things isn't going to change the fact that they exist. You can't change how your academic performance last year affected your GPA. But you can implement a strategy to ensure you perform better this year and thereby increase your GPA in the here and now. You cannot change how your parents feel about your gender identity. But you can research other scholarship opportunities, grants, and financial aid to replace that which you lost. You can plan a long-term budget to start building that financial independence you're going to want to have the instant you're no longer reliant on your parents for tuition (or before even!). And you know what? When you stop dwelling on the past, and start making plans to kick ass in the future, that anxiety starts to go away. Things suddenly start to look way sunnier. And if those plans don't pan out, do you call yourself a failure and give up? F- no you don't! You have yourself a laugh go "boy did I ever screw that one up!" and start looking for the flaw in your strategy and finding an acceptable workaround that's going to prevent that from happening again. You only become a failure when you decide that you are a failure and give up.
I pretty much
have given up on life, so theres your awnser to that I guess :/
I do feel like I share the same kind of perfectionism you do; that actually really accurstely describes hpmy thought process on so many things. I could have done things, like appeal to keep the scholarship, talk to my professors, etc, etc, and I just...
didnt. I just sat on them and then it became so much time past that I thought it wasnt even worth trying to do it anymore. So I didnt. And now I am reaping nothing, because I sowed nothing. Hence me being a failure.
But in general, I feel like youre being a bit... patronizing? Its easy to tell someone to just smile and try harder and all that jazz, but you dont have to live through the failures and consequences of who youre lecturing too. 19 years everyone and their mother has said estensially what you did at some point, but guess what? It doesnt get better! Life never gets any better! Its just as much as a crapfest as it was in high school, as it was in middle, etc. I have lived anywhere from 1/4-1/5 of my entire life and I
hate it. Its high time to realize that its just never going to get better, and that giving up isnt the easy way out; its the only way out. And I want out.
Also? Go see a therapist if you aren't already. Connecting with your RA and adviser is a great first step. The more people you have on your side the easier it's going to be and the more motivated you are going to be to get things done. You don't have to go at it alone.
Complicated situation.
Out here I have estensially no health insurance. Apparently its legal for my health insurance to not cover me seeing specialists if I am not pre-diagnosed with anything, and I cant afford to pay for specialists out of pocket, so I am pretty much locked out of doing anything while in college. And before you say anything, yes, I did try first semester trying to use the school's resources but theyre pretty much worthless; they just take me in for a few appointments and then point me to a specialist that I cant afford. They dont have any respurces for long term treatment and its.... not helpful.
At home theres no therapists within reasonable walking distance. Parents stonewalling me on getting a lisence, prolly to keep me under their thumb as much as possible, so cant legally drive anywhere. They talk about me going to therapy, but I am afraid theyd either send me to some pray the gay away freak or that i should pop happy pills and dont fix any of the problems that actually effect anything, which is not a real solution and I am really iffy on taking any personality alterating medicine in general. Its best just to give no consent to anything they propose out of principle.
Finally: catty <snip> are going to be catty. That's going to happen regardless of whether you pass or not, or even if you were born with a vagina. contre undoubtedly has much more insight and advice on this kind of thing, but my admittedly privileged white cishet male perspective is: don't make your identity or sense of self contingent on the approbation of others. It's not going to work. There are simply too many <snip> out there.
Again, its easy to say that when your cisgender and dont have to worry if people see you how you want to be seen. Being trans is estensially one big game of charades, trying to get everyone to see me for who I am, because my body betrays it in every way, and people are shallow jerks who only look skin deep. Of course other peoples approval is entirely dependent on it succeeding or not, because its on them to have me be seen who I want to be seen as by them. So its a bit more complex than just "be who you want to be", ok?
And to expand upon this since I know you've got some financial limitations. Before my daughter came out to me she got herself hooked up with the local Q Center, which in turn got her counseling and therapy via a graduate student who was specializing in Family relationships dealing with LGBTQ: simply because the woman didn't have her degree and/ or license yet didn't mean she couldn't do the job of therapist, and she was quite helpful to my daughter when she really needed that push/ guidance in the right direction. And because she didn't have her license, then this counseling was done on the side, and payment was whatever my daughter could afford at the time. If you haven't already, I'd get in contact with the local area Q Center, as they have a lot of people who are willing and able to help, as a lot of them have already traveled the same miles you are now, and there is absolutely no sense in you walking those same miles by yourself, when you can have others walking with you and guiding you down this road of life.
Again, I tried that, didnt work out. The school's counciling center just isnt designed for any long term treatment, thus I am not going to get any long term treatment like your daughter did. I dont need the school shrinks to tell me I have a problem; its pretty obvious I do.
As for trying to apply for low income aid at the actual place, i don't qualify because I am still a dependent can afford to help, but just choose not to! So I am still boned in that direction too.
Universial health care when? >_>
Update on my daughter, who is now in year 3 of college: last year when she came out she was moved into the "Gender non-conforming" dorm at school. This year when she went back she and her flat mates were put into a dorm with the general population. Seems to be going OK so far. Although it concerns me that she has the opportunity to be subjected to harassment 24/7 (i.e. there is no safe place she can retreat to like she had last year), why I do applaud the school for taking this step of intermixing the population, as I feel they are making a statement that the school is supporting the LGBTQ community, and if anyone has an issue with these individuals being placed on the same floor as them, then THEY are the ones who have the problem, not the members of the LGBTQ community.
D
I am happy for her at the very least
), and I am 75% sure a group of girls were laughing at me. It was..... not fun, to say the least. I kind of thought my campus would be better than that, to be honest. Kind of made me pretty crappy, to be honest.
