[RD] Don’t Stay with Partners who Don’t Take Responsibility for their Mental Health

[BvBPL]

If your romantic partner has a mental health problem and isn’t taking responsibility for her mental health then you should break up with her. If she is not taking care of herself then she will not be able to take care of you when you are down. Furthermore, you will not have a true partnership unless she is independently responsible for herself first. Finally, if she is not attending to her own issues then that leaves you to deal with the fallout of those issues.


Consider that if your partner was in a car crash and was badly hurt. Her prognosis for recovery is good if she does her physical therapy work. She does not do her physical therapy work, requiring you to push her around in a wheelchair and otherwise compensate for her limited abilities. You’d be pretty put off, wouldn’t you?


None of this is to say that one should kick a partner to the curb just because she has mental illness. However, if she’s not taking care of herself and attending to her needs then she will never be a full partner to you.

 

[Aleksey_aka_al]

What kind of a problem that might be?

 

[Valka D'Ur]

Some people don't understand that they have a mental illness, and so they don't take care of themselves.

I think that you are saying, 'Don't be an enabler' if the person knows they are sick and are just being lazy about managing their illness, but it's never a simple thing.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

If your romantic partner has a mental health problem and isn’t taking responsibility for her mental health then you should break up with her. If she is not taking care of herself then she will not be able to take care of you when you are down. Furthermore, you will not have a true partnership unless she is independently responsible for herself first. Finally, if she is not attending to her own issues then that leaves you to deal with the fallout of those issues.


Consider that if your partner was in a car crash and was badly hurt. Her prognosis for recovery is good if she does her physical therapy work. She does not do her physical therapy work, requiring you to push her around in a wheelchair and otherwise compensate for her limited abilities. You’d be pretty put off, wouldn’t you?


None of this is to say that one should kick a partner to the curb just because she has mental illness. However, if she’s not taking care of herself and attending to her needs then she will never be a full partner to you.

The question becomes:

Who are we taking as the "qualified expert" saying whether or not this partner is "taking care of their self"?

In the car crash case I'm assuming that by "her prognosis is good" we are relying on a qualified medical doctor ruling based on well understood and long practiced methods in dealing with physical trauma. Mental health is a field where it is a whole lot easier to have conflicting opinions even among the most qualified experts in the field.

This creates a concern that this partner may not be "taking care of their mental health" in a way that suits you, but may be "taking care of their mental health" perfectly well. Bottom line, "I think my gf is a nut, and since she disagrees and won't go see a shrink I'm out" is perfectly fine, but it's about you, not her.

 

[EgonSpengler]

[...]it's never a simple thing.

This. I agree with the overall sentiment, that someone I care about should look after their health - I don't know if I could date a smoker, for example - but when you're talking about mental health, it can become murkier. For one thing, the research and treatment of mental illness is behind that of physical injuries. Medications for some illnesses produce side-effects that put the patient in a kind of "pick your poison" situation.

Also, as their partner, I think it's incumbent upon me to help them with things. If I fell in love with a recovering alcoholic, it wouldn't be a great sacrifice for me to not drink around them, not keep beer in the fridge the way I do now, etc. And if they "fell off the wagon", I'd help them get back into shape.

 

[Ryika]

If your romantic partner has a mental health problem and isn’t taking responsibility for her mental health then you should break up with her.

I assume you used "her" because you were talking about a personal thing, but that's definitely not a female-only thing. Quite the opposite I would guess, men are less likely to go to the doctor in general, so having such a partner is likely a problem that more women face than men.

I tend to disagree though, partnerships with mental illnesses are the most interesting partnerships you can have. Manipulation and violence in general are great to spice up ones relationship.

 

[Bugfatty300]

Just jump out of the relationship. Just like a frog jumps out of boiling water.

It's the simplest thing in the world to do.

 

[Bill3000]

Yeah, the OP reminds me of this video I've seen recently.

Also noting the gendering of the OP as well. Bit of a side note but it's important to note that men calling women "crazy" has nothing to do with genuine mental health issues and everything to do with minimizing women's feelings, shutting down and controlling their behavior.

 

[BvBPL]

Some people don't understand that they have a mental illness, and so they don't take care of themselves.

We can’t expect people who do not know they have a mental illness to be responsible for it. I’m referring primarily to people who know they have mental illnesses but do not seek treatment.

I think that you are saying, 'Don't be an enabler' if the person knows they are sick and are just being lazy about managing their illness, but it's never a simple thing.

That’s not an unfair way to phrase it.

Also, as their partner, I think it's incumbent upon me to help them with things. If I fell in love with a recovering alcoholic, it wouldn't be a great sacrifice for me to not drink around them, not keep beer in the fridge the way I do now, etc. And if they "fell off the wagon", I'd help them get back into shape.

I’d say this more like living with a problem drinker who just keeps drinking and doesn’t do anything about her drinking. Treatment for mental illness can be a very long road with lots of ups and downs. This isn’t about standing by our partners who are steadfast in their efforts to seek treatment despite the bumps along the way, but those that decline to seek treatment despite knowing of their illnesses.

I assume you used "her" because you were talking about a personal thing, but that's definitely not a female-only thing. Quite the opposite I would guess, men are less likely to go to the doctor in general, so having such a partner is likely a problem that more women face than men.

Most CFS posters are men, present company excepted (and welcomed!), so the use of female pronoun is a reflection of the most likely partner for them. I otherwise agree with you.

I tend to disagree though, partnerships with mental illnesses are the most interesting partnerships you can have. Manipulation and violence in general are great to spice up ones relationship.

If I were going to suggest what sort of person to seek out for wild sex and wilder stories to tell your friends then I may very well suggest the mentally ill. However, great sex and awesome gossip alone doesn’t make for a good partner.

 

[Kyriakos]

Just jump out of the relationship. Just like a frog jumps out of boiling water.

It's the simplest thing in the world to do.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire

Mental illness is difficult to identify, unless it is very obvious. And yes, staying with people who have this can bring the other person down.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

If I were going to suggest what sort of person to seek out for wild sex and wilder stories to tell your friends then I may very well suggest the mentally ill.

ORLY?

So all mentally ill people are into "wild sex"?

Nope.

What an offensive stereotype.

 

[Ryika]

So all mentally ill people are into "wild sex"?

He didn't say all mentally ill people, he said that mentally ill people are where you go looking for the interesting and kinky sex. It's a statement about the likelihood of finding people with specific attributes, not a statement about every single person in that specific group.

And he's right from my experience, with mental illness - at least the types that don't cause you to separate yourself from the world - there often come very weird and interesting kinks, plus a lust for lots and lots of sex.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

As long as you make it crystal clear that you are speaking from YOUR experience only, and are not generalizing. I am someone with a mental illness (depression) and I have never gone in for "wild" or "kinky" sex, or even the "lots" you mention.

 

[Timsup2nothin]

As long as you make it crystal clear that you are speaking from YOUR experience only, and are not generalizing. I am someone with a mental illness (depression) and I have never gone in for "wild" or "kinky" sex, or even the "lots" you mention.

And yet you seem far more inclined to generalize as if you presenting yourself somehow reflects a general case. It WAS crystal clear to pretty much anyone reading what was said that BvBPL made no such generalization. The simple fact is that a lot of kinks are considered "sexual disorders," so if you go looking for those kinks you are de facto looking for the "mentally ill."

 

[civvver]

Also noting the gendering of the OP as well. Bit of a side note but it's important to note that men calling women "crazy" has nothing to do with genuine mental health issues and everything to do with minimizing women's feelings, shutting down and controlling their behavior.

In my experience calling women crazy is a catch all for hormones cus men don't understand them or want to deal with them. It's not as simple as feelings, there is something physical going on in many cases.

Look I am not suggesting any guy blow off their significant other, but literally half the problems my wife comes to me with are fine in 3-4 days without doing anything just cus her mood has changed to the point she's not worried about it any more. I get anxious about stuff too, but just not on the same level cus I don't have massive hormonal swings.

My example may be a little more extreme because my wife is actually diagnosed with postpartum depression. We spent months where she was "crazy," sensitive to the smallest things, upset a lot, and I urged her to get on some medication and talk to her doctor and she would say I'm not crazy and I would say I know, it's just something going on with your body you should get checked out. She finally decided on her own something was off, went to her doctor, got meds, got some counseling too and now she's fine. You know what the doctors told her? Literally you have a massive hormone imbalance after having a baby you just have to ride it out and meds help. A LOT of mental issues are physical. Once people can accept that, that it's not weakness or just in your mind and it's actually more like ignoring a sever bacterial infection, it's much easier to get the help you need. If you have strep throat for example you go get antibiotics. If you have anxiety or depression caused by a chemical imbalance it's the same thing, a physical issue that needs attention.

This goes for men too obviously, they can suffer the same things.

 

[Ryika]

As long as you make it crystal clear that you are speaking from YOUR experience only, and are not generalizing.

No, I am actually very confident in generalizing here, mentally ill people in general tend more towards the behaviors that were mentioned above.

I am someone with a mental illness (depression) and I have never gone in for "wild" or "kinky" sex, or even the "lots" you mention.

Great, somehow you've managed to go from talking about the topic to talking about you in just two posts. I _think_ that might be a new record, but I'm not entirely sure about that.

The fact that you've missed out on some great sex is utterly irrelevant to the statistical occurrences that allow us to make generalized statements. The conclusion "therefor, all mentally ill people are into kinky sex" would of course be utterly idiotic, but nobody made that claim to begin with.


btw.

Just like a frog jumps out of boiling water.

Very off-topic, but the boiling frog metaphor does not actually resemble reality, frogs DO jump out of water that gets to hot for them, even if you heat it up gradually.

 

[Zelig]

If your romantic partner has a mental health problem and isn’t taking responsibility for her mental health then you should break up with her. If she is not taking care of herself then she will not be able to take care of you when you are down. Furthermore, you will not have a true partnership unless she is independently responsible for herself first. Finally, if she is not attending to her own issues then that leaves you to deal with the fallout of those issues.


Consider that if your partner was in a car crash and was badly hurt. Her prognosis for recovery is good if she does her physical therapy work. She does not do her physical therapy work, requiring you to push her around in a wheelchair and otherwise compensate for her limited abilities. You’d be pretty put off, wouldn’t you?


None of this is to say that one should kick a partner to the curb just because she has mental illness. However, if she’s not taking care of herself and attending to her needs then she will never be a full partner to you.

Are you saying you should break up with such a person even if you're still attracted to them?

 

[Timsup2nothin]

In my experience calling women crazy is a catch all for hormones cus men don't understand them or want to deal with them.

In my opinion we are just as subject to the volatility of hormones as women are, we just have to go through the cycle that they go through in a month in something more like an hour, sometimes several times a day, particularly when we're young.

 

[Tahuti]

Mental illness is difficult to identify, unless it is very obvious.

As a philosopher, you should have known better.

 

[Valka D'Ur]

No, I am actually very confident in generalizing here, mentally ill people in general tend more towards the behaviors that were mentioned above.

Okay, let's see some links to back up your "very confident" assertions.

Great, somehow you've managed to go from talking about the topic to talking about you in just two posts. I _think_ that might be a new record, but I'm not entirely sure about that.

Great, somehow you've managed to go from reading a comment that was related to the topic to insulting me, in... basically immediately.

This is not a new record for you.

As always, if you disapprove of my posts, feel free to not read them.

The fact that you've missed out on some great sex is utterly irrelevant to the statistical occurrences that allow us to make generalized statements. The conclusion "therefor, all mentally ill people are into kinky sex" would of course be utterly idiotic, but nobody made that claim to begin with.

You are crossing some lines here.

You made a generalized statement that is ridiculous. It doesn't apply to me, and I said so. I've not kept it a secret about my mental illness on this forum, and it's really not courteous of you to suggest that I (or people like me) are "go-to" persons for "wild/kinky" sex.