Rex Tyrannus
280lbs of gross stupidity
[Interior. The Temple of All That Is Dave, Dave's Place
Luchuirp. Lavish crystal and marble carvings adorn polished, white
end tables and shelves. Hung on the far wall is a tapestry
depicting the exact moment Davestole borrowed
total enlightment from the gods.]
[The door slams open. Garrim Gyr, Lord of Luchuirp bursts in]
Garrim: Dave! Dave! Where is that idiot, boy of mine?!?
Accolyte 1: Be excellent...to each other...
Accolyte 2: All we are...is dust...in the wind...
[A delicately carved door opens. Smoke from incense pours
through. Dave, dressed in gold laced robes steps lightly out]
Garrim: Dave, there you are.
Accolyte 3: Blessed are the cheese makers
[Dave holds out his ring, to be kissed]
Dave: My son.
Garrim: Your son? Dave, what is this nonsense?
I sent you out to govern this new settlement,
not found some stupid religious cult.
[Dave is still holding his ring out]
Accolyte 1 Party on...dudes
Dave [whispering]: Father, you're supposed to kiss
the ring...
[Garrim slaps at his son's outstretched hand. Surprised
shrieks from the accolytes]
Accolyte 3 He struck the Messiah!
Accolyte 2 The Dave! Are you hurt, Lord?
Accolyte 3 We must repair him!
Accolyte 1 Lord, if any of my organs or bones
will help, I'll gladly donate them.
Accolyte 3 Oh, the Messiah!
[Garrim shakes his head and plants his face in his palm]
Garrim He's not the Messiah, he's a naughty,
naughty boy!
Garrim: You're a dwarf, Dave, not some stupid
hippy new age fruitcake. Start acting like
a Dwarf...for once in your life...please?
Try to be more like your brother.
Stoneguard Stronginthejohnson Resistence is
futile!
Garrim: Well, maybe there's a middle ground.
[Garrim turns to Dave]
Garrim Now listen, Dave, I came here for
the year end tax reconciliation. I sent
a messenger for the figures last week,
but he never returned.
Dave Oh, you mean Brother Brutha?
Accolyte 2 Hi!
Accolyte 1 Like sands of the hourglass, so
are the days of our lives.
Garrim Dammit, Dave, will you end this nosense?
The tax figures. I came for the tax figures!
[Dave, looking dissappointed]
Dave You mean you didn't come for the blessing?
Garrim No, I didn't come for the $@&*ing
blessing! I came came for the--
Stoneguard Stronginthejohnson I'll take a
blessing!
Garrim ...
[Stoneguard kneels. Dave splatters oil on his brother's
shirt.]
Dave Rise, my son, you are blessed
Stoneguard Stronginthejohnson Sweet! Thanks,
little bro! So I can like, go out and
rape and sh*t and not go to Hell, now,
right?
Garrim It must be their mother. That's it. Gods,
please, tell me she cheated on me.
Accolyte 3 True wisdom consists in knowing
that you know nothing
Stoneguard Stronginthejohnson That's us, dude!
Luchuirp. Lavish crystal and marble carvings adorn polished, white
end tables and shelves. Hung on the far wall is a tapestry
depicting the exact moment Dave
total enlightment from the gods.]
[The door slams open. Garrim Gyr, Lord of Luchuirp bursts in]
Garrim: Dave! Dave! Where is that idiot, boy of mine?!?
Accolyte 1: Be excellent...to each other...
Accolyte 2: All we are...is dust...in the wind...
[A delicately carved door opens. Smoke from incense pours
through. Dave, dressed in gold laced robes steps lightly out]
Garrim: Dave, there you are.
Accolyte 3: Blessed are the cheese makers
[Dave holds out his ring, to be kissed]
Dave: My son.
Garrim: Your son? Dave, what is this nonsense?
I sent you out to govern this new settlement,
not found some stupid religious cult.
[Dave is still holding his ring out]
Accolyte 1 Party on...dudes
Dave [whispering]: Father, you're supposed to kiss
the ring...
[Garrim slaps at his son's outstretched hand. Surprised
shrieks from the accolytes]
Accolyte 3 He struck the Messiah!
Accolyte 2 The Dave! Are you hurt, Lord?
Accolyte 3 We must repair him!
Accolyte 1 Lord, if any of my organs or bones
will help, I'll gladly donate them.
Accolyte 3 Oh, the Messiah!
[Garrim shakes his head and plants his face in his palm]
Garrim He's not the Messiah, he's a naughty,
naughty boy!
Garrim: You're a dwarf, Dave, not some stupid
hippy new age fruitcake. Start acting like
a Dwarf...for once in your life...please?
Try to be more like your brother.
Stoneguard Stronginthejohnson Resistence is
futile!
Garrim: Well, maybe there's a middle ground.
[Garrim turns to Dave]
Garrim Now listen, Dave, I came here for
the year end tax reconciliation. I sent
a messenger for the figures last week,
but he never returned.
Dave Oh, you mean Brother Brutha?
Accolyte 2 Hi!
Accolyte 1 Like sands of the hourglass, so
are the days of our lives.
Garrim Dammit, Dave, will you end this nosense?
The tax figures. I came for the tax figures!
[Dave, looking dissappointed]
Dave You mean you didn't come for the blessing?
Garrim No, I didn't come for the $@&*ing
blessing! I came came for the--
Stoneguard Stronginthejohnson I'll take a
blessing!
Garrim ...
[Stoneguard kneels. Dave splatters oil on his brother's
shirt.]
Dave Rise, my son, you are blessed
Stoneguard Stronginthejohnson Sweet! Thanks,
little bro! So I can like, go out and
rape and sh*t and not go to Hell, now,
right?
Garrim It must be their mother. That's it. Gods,
please, tell me she cheated on me.
Accolyte 3 True wisdom consists in knowing
that you know nothing
Stoneguard Stronginthejohnson That's us, dude!
