The Very-Many-Questions-Not-Worth-Their-Own-Thread Thread XLI

[Fippy]

What happened with the LM threads?

 

[Broken_Erika]

Whoever locked the Comings and Goings thread forgot to make a replacement thread.

 

[Kyriakos]

Probably they erased the entire account?

CFC's version of Damnatio Memoriae, without the damnatio.

Well, for sure don't tell this woman you quoted!

Yeah, it's become dicey. I have pretty much given up saying that kind of thing. It's become too loaded. Like imagining the future romantic activities of present-day seven-year-old girls.

You'll like De Maupassant's That Pig of a Morin.

Tldr:

Spoiler :

it's ok, as long as you look good

 

[The_J]

Whoever locked the Comings and Goings thread forgot to make a replacement thread.

The situation is complicated. More info to come. Please be patient.
(if you now wonder how this can be complicated...that's a reason why it's complicated)

Is is reasnoble these days to say to someone that they look good?

I was reading this from the grundiad, summed up with this quote:

Approving comments about my body read as code words for ‘Congratulations, more and more men that you don’t know will want to have sex with you because of how you look now.’ And that, if you can believe it, is not a significant objective of mine.
​

I am male, and I am sure the issues are different for different genders, but loads of people have said to me over the last couple of weeks that I look good. This is after starting coming in to work, losing a little bit of weight and growing a big beard. I do not take it to mean that loads of women will want to have sex with me, though I wish it did. I do not say losing weight = looking good as I have known too many people for whom it has meant serious disease, but if someone really looked good I may tell them so, and do not usually get a negative response. What do people here think, should one never make such a comment? Or is it OK, but only certain situations such as if it directed at obvious effort? Or is it always good and people should not take it the wrong way?

I think commenting a man on his looks is always okay. It doesn't have the same stigma/sexual connection as it has for women.
For women it depends. For the ones I know good enough, I'd always comment, since it cannot be perceived as a cheap way to get a conversation started or to smarm/flatter. If I don't know the woman, then I'd only do it if I'm really, really impressed, and can elaborate (...er... I don't know... I love the earrings and what to get the same...or...whatever, IDK), otherwise I'd not say a word.

EDIT: This article itself is dripping from insecurity. Someone who's at least a bit sure of themself would behave differently.

 

[tjs282]

What happened with the LM threads?

Whoever locked the Comings and Goings thread forgot to make a replacement thread.

Given what happened... I'm guessing that a discussion in one or both threads thread started straying into subject-areas which are specifically prohibited by the Forum Rules, forcing the Admin/Mods to hide them until they can be curated.

Probably they erased the entire account?

CFC's version of Damnatio Memoriae, without the damnatio.

No, (as of this post) LM's account still exists.

(I know the XF search function is ... lacklustre ... but come on: this is basic enough that you could have looked it up for yourself)

And her account can hardly be wiped: that would destroy every post she ever made related to her CivIV modding work.

 

[Kyriakos]

No, (as of this post) LM's account still exists.

(I know the XF search function is ... lacklustre ... but come on: this is basic enough that you could have looked it up for yourself)

I did. Only in the lazy way which required this post by you

 

[CKS]

Is is reasnoble these days to say to someone that they look good?

Generally I would say that commenting on the appearance of someone you do not know or only know slightly is bad. You can tell family members and close friends that they look good. Don't say this to people you see on the bus or people at work, unless they are already good friends.

Anybody who really wants your opinion about their appearance will ask you for it.

 

[warpus]

I think commenting a man on his looks is always okay.

That seems like a big "HOLD UP" from where I'm sitting. Surely this depends on the situation, on the way it's said, and most importantly the context? I've personally witnessed sexual harassment like this

 

[The_J]

Yes, no, I mean that's not the situation Samson is concerned about, no?

 

[Samson]

I certainly never thought to say such things to people I am not fairly familiar with. My worry was that any such could be taken, probably not as harassment but as making the other feel uncomfortable.

 

[warpus]

Ah, context! Right.

 

[E.man]

I've told a woman in a supermarket I liked her shoes and another random I liked her hair. Then I just moved on. Left it there. Not a chat up line.

Told the neighbour she looked good going for a run. We both know she's married with little kids.

Got positive thanks on all occasions.

 

[Farm Boy]

Well, for sure don't tell this woman you quoted!

Yeah, it's become dicey. I have pretty much given up saying that kind of thing. It's become too loaded. Like imagining the future romantic activities of present-day seven-year-old girls.

If they're either taking a sincere and passing expression of compliment as offensive, or they're finding perversion in the hopes of healthy and full lives for their children's generation, they are doing you a wonderful service by presorting the value of what's in their head for you. Perhaps more generally when it comes to the hope, and more specifically you, when it comes to the compliment.

 

[Gori the Grey]

If they're either taking a sincere and passing expression of compliment as offensive, or they're finding perversion in the hopes of healthy and full lives for their children's generation, they are doing you a wonderful service by presorting the value of what's in their head for you. Perhaps more generally when it comes to the hope, and more specifically you, when it comes to the compliment.

Right, but one wouldn't get to know that until after the compliment-they-might-take-as-offensive. So that's why I mostly just don't bother.

 

[Farm Boy]

It's a situation where something of value might be missed, but it is incredibly unlikely anything of value will be lost.

Edit - wanted to think more:

I do stew about the crueler things I have said. But the amount of times cruel intent was there, and therefore the knowledge to both stew about it after the fact, and possibility to have headed off the speech before it happened... relatively few. But the times fear or preoccupation have stilled kindnesses on my tongue... some of those are lifelong regrets, and they should be. The abscense of hope and kindness is not respect. I cannot think what it would actually be other than self interest.

 

[Gori the Grey]

Love the new avatar.

I have friends who are staunch enough feminists that I think they would be on guard, at least, against any compliment that referenced physical appearance, but who are otherwise (?) great people. So I think of myself as potentially missing out on all the good qualities in Lucy or Sally because, before I knew better, I complimented them with something they don't take as a compliment.

Edit: Ha! I know a Lucy who might fit this profile too, so I can make it a Peanuts-themed response.

 

[Farm Boy]

When you know somebody, you can tailor your interaction and they can expect that. Strangers and acquaintances operate under different assumptions for humans that exist at least partially outside themselves. Then again, to stick with the reference, there are an awful lot of things wrong with people that they seem to be ignorant of! I like being helpful too!

 

[Gori the Grey]

So, I thought the woman in the article that started all of this was recounting what strangers say to her.

So my point is I won't say it to someone I don't know, in case it should be the kind of thing that offends that person (and thus forecloses the possibility of a friendship). When you add to that that I won't say it to people I do know, because I've got better things in them to compliment than their appearance, then I'm pretty much at the place where I won't say that kind of thing at all.

Anybody's mileage may well differ from mine.

 

[Farm Boy]

I don't see much point in complimenting a physical feature of somebody. They didn't do anything for it and they already know better than I do. But a braid or beard style, or shoes, or a shirt or something that looks snappy? Sure. Why not. Maybe it brightens their day. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe it makes me look an ass. Who cares about the last part. They don't like it, move on or onto something else. It's probably what they want you to do anyways. Still win win.

 

[Ferocitus]

Are people who don't believe in human evolution primate change deniers?