[RD] Don’t Stay with Partners who Don’t Take Responsibility for their Mental Health

[Timsup2nothin]

Human evolution proudly presents: The Warrior Gene™

Destroying relationships since the dawn of man, one mutation of monoamine oxidase A at a time!

I resemble that remark.

 

[Jabarto]

This is doubly true if you also have mental issues. That was the case in my last relationship but somehow any discussion of her problems and how they impacted the relationship were never allowed to come up.

 

[Hygro]

Don't stay with partners who don't take responsibility (for theirs)

Incl the original topic

 

[Tahuti]

A lot of mentally ill people do not seek treatment because of the stigma attached to doing so, and the stigma is very very real. Mental illness is very misunderstood, and seeking help can result in discrimination, job loss, loss of friends, etc. Particularly if it becomes common knowledge.

The stigma often flows forth from (media) reporting on behavior which is the result of mental illness. Psychosis can induce someone to kill another and even if it doesn't may feature some very violent content. Thus, if you have suffered a psychosis, you will get branded a killer. I speak from my own experience.

I do believe it's better not disclose the official diagnostic label for your mental issues AFAIK. It deprives you of your individuality if you get associated with it and it is often used as 'camera lense' to frame your behavior.

Dumping someone who is mentally ill is not the answer. They may not be willing to get help in the short term, but with enough love and support, most of them will eventually realize that they need it.

Treatment does not necessarily come in the form of pharmacology and psychotherapy alone. Pharmacology can only buy time: It doesn't solve the issue, and if used too often, can lead too bodily harm way in excess of the issues present. Psychotherapy improves coping skills in stressful environments. The real problem is that mental disorders are a product of the society which describes them as such. A change in social environment can often cause mental issues to simply evaporate.

I hear "I'm not crazy. I don't need help!" far too often, unfortunately.

Crazy sane is a thing however.

 

[Narz]

The question becomes:

Who are we taking as the "qualified expert" saying whether or not this partner is "taking care of their self"?

In the car crash case I'm assuming that by "her prognosis is good" we are relying on a qualified medical doctor ruling based on well understood and long practiced methods in dealing with physical trauma. Mental health is a field where it is a whole lot easier to have conflicting opinions even among the most qualified experts in the field.

This creates a concern that this partner may not be "taking care of their mental health" in a way that suits you, but may be "taking care of their mental health" perfectly well. Bottom line, "I think my gf is a nut, and since she disagrees and won't go see a shrink I'm out" is perfectly fine, but it's about you, not her.

We're all mentally off, a good relationship should involve both parties pushing the other to become more well adjusted, not necessarily to society but within themselves & towards each other. Worrying too much about some sort of "conventional" diagnosis of someone's mental health as opposed to your subjective experience with them & their comments to you about their own experience is... well, it's wrong, don't do that. Deal with your partner as a person first, not a collection of symptoms. I agree with the OP though that one should be willing to look at one's partner & if they're fooling themselves about some sort of dysfunction it's better to address it early rather than hope "love will heal it" or some bs.

 

[Narz]

The stigma often flows forth from (media) reporting on behavior which is the result of mental illness. Psychosis can induce someone to kill another and even if it doesn't may feature some very violent content. Thus, if you have suffered a psychosis, you will get branded a killer. I speak from my own experience.

You're a killer?

 

[Borachio]

I've got mixed feelings on staying with a partner with mental illness, with or without them seeking help.

I think a lot depends on the mental illness and the severity of it.

If it's a case of mild or post natal depression, say, that would probably clear up on its own without professional intervention, then I'd expect some patience to be shown for the sufferer.

Anything else, or anything really severe, though, and I'd steer well clear. I just don't think the average layperson is capable of being much help to the sufferer.

My brother, in his typically delusional manner thinking it would all get better, patiently spent 15 years with a borderline personality sufferer (who apparently really did have interesting sexual proclivities), to very little effect, and a lot of personal upset. Only in the end, to have her desert him for someone else.

 

[Kozmos]

Ya, if you even get a hint of someone with bpd, my advice is to run in terms of a romantic engagement. Even when the person is aware and getting help by way of therapy and medication some disorders are basically untreatable in any meaningful manner to the person on the other side of the relationship equation. It sucks, but there we are. Most therapist don't want even to deal with certain kinds of PDs.

 

[Ryika]

My brother, in his typically delusional manner thinking it would all get better, patiently spent 15 years with a borderline personality sufferer (who apparently really did have interesting sexual proclivities), to very little effect, and a lot of personal upset. Only in the end, to have her desert him for someone else.

See, exactly what I said. For good, interesting sex, go to a person with serious mental problems, for a stable relationship, stay awaaaaay.
100% of the time you'll be right around 70% of the time.

Borderline is generally an especially nasty condition when it comes to that though, because there can be long periods of time when the person is in their "likable person"-phase, and then seemingly out of nowhere the mood shifts and what might have been an enjoyable relationship quickly turns into a stressful fight for survival.

 

[Tahuti]

You're a killer?

Nope, though I have had plenty of psychotic experiences, some of them pretty discomforting, not only to me though to others becoming aware of its content. In some ways, being aware of being psychotic totally sucks.

Ya, if you even get a hint of someone with bpd, my advice is to run in terms of a romantic engagement. Even when the person is aware and getting help by way of therapy and medication some disorders are basically untreatable in any meaningful manner to the person on the other side of the relationship equation. It sucks, but there we are. Most therapist don't want even to deal with certain kinds of PDs.

I am offensive and I find this Borderline.

Borderline is generally an especially nasty condition when it comes to that though, because there can be long periods of time when the person is in their "likable person"-phase, and then seemingly out of nowhere the mood shifts and what might have been an enjoyable relationship quickly turns into a stressful fight for survival.

The problem is, that once you label certain events and states as being part of a mental disorder, the subjective creepiness factor increases, even though it would have received a much lighter treatment if it was considered "them just being them."

 

[Kozmos]

I don't think so. It just brings an awareness that yes, this person will be high maintenance for life, proceed at own peril. I'm still close friends with such an ex because I have become immune to the drama involved and can disengage at any time now.

 

[Flying Pig]

See, exactly what I said. For good, interesting sex, go to a person with serious mental problems, for a stable relationship, stay awaaaaay.
100% of the time you'll be right around 70% of the time.

Borderline is generally an especially nasty condition when it comes to that though, because there can be long periods of time when the person is in their "likable person"-phase, and then seemingly out of nowhere the mood shifts and what might have been an enjoyable relationship quickly turns into a stressful fight for survival.

Moderator Action: I think you've beaten the sex drum enough for this thread.

 

[Tahuti]

I don't think so. It just brings an awareness that yes, this person will be high maintenance for life, proceed at own peril. I'm still close friends with such an ex because I have become immune to the drama involved and can disengage at any time now.

The problem is when you brand someone "high maintenance for life", that person will likely not change anyway.

It's generally not recommended to disclose your diagnosis or mental problems which aren't immediately visible to others, except professionals.

 

[Kozmos]

The problem is when you brand someone "high maintenance for life", that person will likely not change anyway.

It's generally not recommended to disclose your diagnosis or mental problems which aren't immediately visible to others, except professionals.

People don't really change though once the personality is baked in. CBT/REBT/drugs mitigate some of the excesses, but it doesn't really change their core. You are permanently walking on egg shells.

Naturally. You get reeled in by XYZ attributes and appearance of cognitive normality, then the neurochemistry of affection gets involved and you are well and truly screwed. I consider this the pyschologist/psychiatrist's version of outsourcing jobs that cannot be resolved in a satisfactory manner in-house.

 

[Ryika]

The problem is, that once you label certain events and states as being part of a mental disorder, the subjective creepiness factor increases, even though it would have received a much lighter treatment if it was considered "them just being them."

True, but at the same time it takes away some of the responsibility from the person that has it in the majority of cases.

Whether it's "good" to label something as a mental disorder heavily depends on the person and the situation. If all you have is slight depression on a level that doesn't impact your social life too much, then it's probably not wise to tell everybody, but for more serious mental illnesses, openness and somewhat detaching the problem from the person is often the only way to even have meaningful relationships.

 

[Tahuti]

True, but at the same time it takes away some of the responsibility from the person that has it in the majority of cases.

Whether it's "good" to label something as a mental disorder heavily depends on the person and the situation. If all you have is slight depression on a level that doesn't impact your social life too much, then it's probably not wise to tell everybody, but for more serious mental illnesses, openness and somewhat detaching the problem from the person is often the only way to even have meaningful relationships.

Note that mental disorders are disorders relative to the person/society/context making the diagnosis: You may get diagnosed as Autistic or as having ADHD if you are a Dutch schoolkid whose parents could not transmit the local traditions of the school's locale (for instance, because they are not native citizens of the respective town), or rebelling against social norms too openly will incur you a diagnosis of Schizophrenia or ASPD. Mental disorders are usually a bigger problem than the person said to be "suffering" from it.

People don't really change though once the personality is baked in. CBT/REBT/drugs mitigate some of the excesses, but it doesn't really change their core. You are permanently walking on egg shells.

Naturally. You get reeled in by XYZ attributes and appearance of cognitive normality, then the neurochemistry of affection gets involved and you are well and truly screwed. I consider this the pyschologist/psychiatrist's version of outsourcing jobs that cannot be resolved in a satisfactory manner in-house.

BPD tends to remit at age 30. Hell, even ASPD usually remits, just slightly later age 40. And personalities in general tend be rather fluid.

I don't mind hanging out with people with these disorders below the remission age. And for some reason, I rarely enter into open conflicts with people who I know/suspect to have these disorders. If it happens, their disorder is a factor, not the cause. Hell, I seem to have an oddly calming effect on such people my surroundings tend to find astounding.

 

[Kozmos]

Well they are highly variable in presentation. That's why they have the NOS designation. I too once played with fire because invariably these individuals were smarter and more interesting than the baseline of groups they were in. It's not a problem to deal with them once you can disassociate yourself from their emotional or behavioral overflow. That however cannot work in relationships when you have to endure this perpetually. You will suffer emotional attrition and eventually burn-out.

 

[Ryika]

Note that mental disorders are disorders relative to the person/society/context making the diagnosis: You may get diagnosed as Autistic or as having ADHD if you are a Dutch schoolkid whose parents could not transmit the local traditions of the school's locale (for instance, because they are not native citizens of the respective town), or rebelling against social norms too openly will incur you a diagnosis of Schizophrenia or ASPD. Mental disorders are usually a bigger problem than the person said to be "suffering" from it.

Yeah, there is no hard and obvious border between behavior that is "normal", and behavior that is "caused by a mild mental disorder", which is hardly surprising, given that we still don't quite agree where "mental disorder" even begins.

How is this relevant to my post though? I wasn't talking about mild cases of Autism or ADHD that might or might not be misdiagnosed, I was talking about cases of Borderline Personality Disorder that are severe enough to be clearly identifiable as a mental illness.

 

[Bill3000]

Autism isn't a mental illness anyway since it's not psychological; It's a neurodevelopmental disorder; you're talking about different brain states. You can't treat autistic traits with medication, although why you would want to treat things like extreme detail-oriented thinking or hyperfocus simply because there can be cons if it's not engaged appropriately boggles me. There's an interesting history as it was considered a childhood form of schizophrenia originally.

 

[Narz]

My brother, in his typically delusional manner thinking it would all get better, patiently spent 15 years with a borderline personality sufferer (who apparently really did have interesting sexual proclivities), to very little effect, and a lot of personal upset. Only in the end, to have her desert him for someone else.

Sounds familiar. I only wasted about a decade myself.